Smash Rockets To Mars

Blog 124: Twevenge

2012-01-18T07:25:00.000-08:00

Last year at university they decided that we should all get twitter. Now I already had twitter, but for some reason they wanted me to get it again.

So I did. I set up @Red_Wine_Design and followed myself from both accounts, and got that module over and done with and then signed out of that other account and stayed that way for a long time.

Then this morning, I decide I'd get rid of the bloody thing, and so I deactivated it. Done. Dusted.

Or was it?

As you know, Zombies and Vampires are all in fashion at the moment. I mean, ever since Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later it seems everyone's coming back from the dead.

Including my old twitter account. I got another email about 30 minutes ago.

Welcome back, Red Wine Design.

Your Twitter account has been reactivated. You can now log in with your current account password.

Bit weird...

But it gets stranger. Because now my old twitter account is hell-bent on revenge-haunting me for killing it.

I got another email, with the subject heading "Red Wine Design has sent you a direct message on Twitter!"

Want to lose any weight? go here: newsmedia25.com best product for losing weight

Direct message sent by Red Wine Design (@Red_Wine_Design) to you (@MikePasquale) on Jan 18, 3:12 PM.

It's calling me fat. What a twonk.

Blog 123 - My Cow Experience

2011-11-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i47HoiM0Au8

Watch this, but beware it's got strong language plus some pretty disturbing stuff is said.
And then I'm gonna rip her apart the only way I know how. Point by point dissection of what she says swivel kicked into her silly little head. She'll never read this, because she's probably illiterate. But I'll write it anyway.

It begins "what's this country come to, a load of black people and a load of ____ing polish?" she then slurs a bit, and goes "see what I mean?"

Instantly, and I'm not Sherlock Holmes, we can see she's not all there. I mean, 1) she can't talk, and 2) anyone else think it'd be silly to sit there slagging off foreigners on a tram full of foreigners? She even goes on to point out everyone who's not english. Good idea.

Next up, "sort out your own countries, don't come and see mine. Britain's nothing now...my britain is F__ all now, britain is F__ all."
Cos of people like you.

When it's pointed out to her that there's little kids, she says "yeah fine, I've got a little kid here". You shouldn't.

"go back to where you come from, go back to F__ing niggagriga" (or something). So she didn't get an A for geography, I imagine. At this point the guy behind her stands up and I'm so annoyed at the person next to him cos this woman needs a slap.

The african woman points out that if they weren't here to do the jobs they do, they wouldn't get done. Which is definitely true. The racist goes mental saying that she works and this is her British country, and that the african woman isn't british because she's black.

Then the other english woman goes sick on the racist which is wicked. Good for her.

How many times will people have to keep reminding people like this that nobody's pure english anymore. In fact, it's because england was so rubbish that we're a mix of almost all of Europe. Britain's greatest time was probably the British Empire (made up of lots of different countries) and that was WAY after pure englishness had been lost in a sea of french, spanish, italian, german, scandinavian etc.

Sorry this post is a bit serious. But this blog's mainly for me, to be honest. And my one reader, James :P

Blog 122: Random Romance

2011-11-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

This is a blog with a bit of a difference... and maybe it's a possible twist from a teenager's ranting blog into a grown man's (because apparently that's what I am now) more grown up blog. Don't worry, I'm not going to start writing about politics, and hopefully it won't actually be serious or anything, but instead of undirected rants and attacks on those around me, perhaps this blog can bring more to people who read it and make some kind of point?

Or perhaps not. Let's see shall we?

Maybe it's just me in my lonely little room who sometimes, very occasionally, completely over reacts when the smallest attention is payed to me by a pretty girl. For example, I've basically fallen in love with a girl on my course (actually to be fair, she doesn't give me any attention... she's just amazing) and I don't know her name and I've never ever spoken to her. Not to mention the Chicken Stock girl you may remember from my stories (have I ever posted that in a blog?) who laughed at one of my jokes, and I decided I would make it my life's mission to make her my wife. Needless to say, that fell apart after about a week, when I realised she just laughed out of politeness, and out of 10 there was 0 chance of her ever being interested. Don't forget the woman in NYC who I never even saw, I just heard her voice behind me, and I instantly fell in love with her because of it.

But I have spoken to other people who get the same thing (sort of). And so it must be more common than just me wandering around falling in love with everyone all the time. So I thought I'd write something nice just to capture those feelings, however stupid they are, just because it's funny and I'm very bored more than anything else. And so here it is. I call it "Letter to the Girl in Wilko"

To the girl in Wilko who told me that you have no facepaint left in stock,

Firstly, don't worry that you had none left, I understand that it's not your fault, and obviously, due to the fact that I was looking for some the day after Hallowe'en, it was probably my bad timing that was the root of the problem. I'm sure you haven't been upset about not being able to find me any but in case you were, I'd like you to know that it doesn't bother me.

Secondly, and I hope this doesn't seem to forward, but I think I might love you. For those brief 10 seconds where we exchanged words, you looked at me and it was at that moment that I fell deeply into the biggest, bluest, most beautiful eyes that I've ever encountered in all my time on this earth.

I never believed in magic up until today, but when I met you, albeit briefly, I knew that no normal earthly force could have conceived you and that you must have been the creation of something super or even supra natural.

Now I'm not the most confident of men, and obviously I'm not James Bond, partly because he's a fictional character, but also because I'm not a secret agent. In fact, I'm just some guy who lives in a small room, draws pictures for his relatively unimpressive university degree, and occasionally watched films or plays on his X-box 360. Because of this, there's no way that I can even begin to think of any reason why you would want to talk to me. For this reason, I didn't try and speak to you longer, I didn't ask you out, I didn't get your number and I didn't tell you how incredibly gorgeous you look despite the tacky wilko uniform. And so instead, I went home and wrote this letter which you'll never ever see.

I wish I could be more confident, but I'm not. So instead of getting to know you and entering into what could have been an incredible time in my life, I returned home with my newly purchased toaster and I sat down and wrote this. And after this I'll probably make my self some beans on toast (and see how good the toaster is) and then carry on playing the new batman game.

Maybe one day I'll pluck up the courage to talk to you, maybe you'll somehow find me interesting and maybe something will happen. But I doubt it. However, I thought I'd write all these feelings down, because it would be wrong if they were to be lost forever.

Blog 121: Astro-Nots

2011-10-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in third year. The last year of my course. And guess what! They're actually giving us work and it ALSO seems relatively worth doing! So there's nothing that could possibly wind me up about my course anymore. OH WAIT.

You know Godzilla, right? You know how angry he was at the Japanese for some reason. Well I'm like, 70 times angrier than him right now.

Our 'workshop' today was on copy writing, and it was by a woman who I won't name, but is a professional copy writer. This has nothing to do with copyrights, it's basically the writing behind advertising, or a brand's tone of voice. Now this woman had given us a lecture before, on the importance of spelling and - and read this carefully - grammer. So I had my doubts about how useful this workshop would be.

Well, at first, the slideshow she had seemed relatively useful, although it could have just been sent online and I could have, well, not watched it, but pretended to have done so and watched Die Hard 2 instead. It's what came AFTER the slideshow that worried me.

We had a series of tasks: the first was to describe the bedrooms of three celebrities: Stephen Fry, Kate Moss and Brad Pitt. Here were my descriptions:

Brad Pitt's bedroom: Jennifer Anniston's in the corner, crying.

Stephen Fry's bedroom: Quite Interesting.

Stephen Fry's bedroom: It's painted pink, but that's not gay. Oh wait, it is.

Kate Moss' bedroom: Mind you don't trip over Pete, he's nearly dead on the floor.

Kate Moss' bedroom: Smells like whore!

Kate Moss' bedroom: Where's her make up drawer? Oh, there it is. All over her face.

Kate Moss' bedroom: So big it's like finding an overly skinny model in a haystack.

Turns out I got the wrong idea, and I literally had to describe their room. Like Kate Moss' room is pink with cushions on the bed and a dress on the floor. Creative.

The Next task was even better. Three students pretended to be returning Astronaut's, one Russian and the others supposedly British, from a 24 year trip to mars and back. The rest of us were journalists and we had to ask questions, like a press conference. We then had to make notes.

This wasn't a real space trip. Yet somehow I've got half a page of notes on what happened when they went to Mars, as if it was real. I wasted actual time, paper, energy and sanity on something that definitely didn't happen. They told us that their test-monkey, Brian, had died. I wrote in my book, "Brian died". I actually wrote it as if it really happened.

What's more, none of it made any sense? So, assuming the two other astronauts are English, as we weren't told otherwise, and they left 24 years ago, so 1987, well I'm pretty sure the British weren't in Space by then. A quick check on Google (Google chrome just told me to spell check google) tells me the first Brit in space was in 1991. So that's balls.

Maybe they're American. That seems logical, Neil Armstrong was the first on the moon, so it's logical that the first man on Mars in the 1980s was probably American. Obviously, ignore the context of world history in the 1980s, that massive thing called the COLD WAR, where Russia and America didn't get on. Because if we took that into account, they probably wouldn't have teamed up to send people to Mars at all. So we'll ignore it, otherwise the astronaut story looks like it's made up, which of course, it definitely is.

It was also clear that the "astronauts" in question were just saying something funny to all our questions. So in now way was this productive. We basically took notes, for an HOUR, on three people pee-ing around and everything they said.

The third task was, to sum it up, act as if we were sexists. Conclusions from the 3rd task was that if you are a man you could be a teenager, a 'city boy' (banker, for normal people), an astronaut, or a sports person (athlete, for normal people). If you're a woman you can be a WAG or a mum. So that's nice. We then had to think about how to sell deodorant to an astronaut.

So many things wrong with that one. So, even assuming Astronauts have a shower, bearing in mind how much energy it takes to send mass into space, I really don't think, in any world, that astronauts turn up with their little wash bags full of Colgate and Lynx. I assume that IF, IF they have deodorant, it's supplied by NASA or whatever organisations sending them up there.

Can I also point out how long space missions are? YEARS. So how much deodorant do they take with them? Again, bearing in mind how much energy it takes, I doubt their sending them up with stacks of Right Guard in the boot.

Also, there's like 3 Astronauts in the country? It's not the biggest demographic? What company decides, right, gap in the market THERE'S NO DEODORANT FOR ASTRONAUTS! SELL SELL SELL!!! Nobody. Because nobody would ever make any profit from that, ever. It would be better to just go to tesco, buy some deodorant for say, £2.50 that already exists, take it to the astronauts and go here you go, it's £3.00. £1.50 profit, thankyou very much, job done, have fun in space, see you later.

Not to mention the difficulty's for advertising... It's expensive enough hiring a billboard on the motorway, let alone one floating around on an asteroid.

I've done a little poster for you, just to shake things up a bit.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsls5w7tWt1qcvccko1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1317921637&Signature=Lgvg5vEt56Jjjs4%2F3CCwZ%2FG1fFs%3D

Laters guys, take care x

Blog 120: Stupid B*tch

2011-08-27T03:25:00.001-07:00

So I'm currently looking after a psycho dog and her owner's house. She's part alsatian, and then part something else, maybe greyhound or those lassie dogs...Something like that. But, to put it shortly, she's massive. When she jumps up on her hind legs she's as tall as me, and obviously, as she's a dog, she's way more powerful and dangerous than I am too.

However, she's also way less intelligent than me. She's clever for a dog - she can even open doors - but I'm clever for a human so I trump her intelligence-wise (well done Mike).

She's a bit naughty...the past two days I've come home from work to find that she's shredded socks, cartons of tomatoes, packs of pasta and then done a wee all over the bedroom carpet. So I've had to tell her off. I also have to tell her off when she 'play' bites (did you know the bite of a german shepherd has a force of 238 pounds?) and when she jumps up.

But if she was to figure out that she's actually way stronger than me, then I'm in trouble. When I tell her off, something in my mind says "This dog would own you if it was to get fed up of being told off..." I'm half expecting her to come upstairs while I sleep and put a pillow over my face and smother me until I pass away. Or maybe the owners will return to find half of me on the kitchen floor with the dog chewing away at my liver or other vital organ.

Before I go, here are some more facts that have given me a general impression of what German Shepherds and Alsatians are like throughout my life.

German Shepherds are a large sized dog, generally between 55 and 65 cm at the withers (shoulders) and weight between 22 and 40 kg. They have a domed forhead, a long square muzzle and a black nose. The jaws are strong, with a scissor-like bite.

An Australian report from 1999 shows German Sheperds are the third breed most likely to attack a person.

In the United States, one source suggests that German Shepher Dogs are responsible for more reported bitings than any other breed.

The bite of a German Shepherd has a force of over 238 pounds, compared to a human's puny 86.

They are not inclined to become immediate friends with strangers.

Bear those facts in mind.

Today I took her for an extra 20 minutes on her walk to try and tire her out so she can't get up to mischief... and she did seem to get tired. Now although she's a naughty dog, she's a good natured one, and so when we came across two massive alsatians, and I mean bigger than her massive. One of the alsatians stayed with the owner, the other one came charging and barking towards me and Luna.

So here comes this metre tall, 40 kilo dog, pounding towards me, snapping and barking it's strong, scissor like jaws in the most aggressive manor one can imagine, running straight for Luna. I hold her back, and the owner of the mad dog says "Don't worry it's just barking, it's fine."

He's now right in Luna's face, she's cowering, and then he goes to either bark right by her face, or what I saw as a snap. So there's a dog about to bite Luna, the owner, she's yelling "Stop, stop" and this massive monster just not listening. So I pull Luna just out of his way, and she ducks behinds my all of a sudden weedy looking legs. The dog continues to bark and snarl. So I hold out my figure, and firmly say NO.

The dog stops. Thing is with dogs, and I learnt this recently when we were training our new puppy Archie and when looking after Mac, the THING with dogs is that if you are firm with them, they listen. The crazy uncontrolled dogs you see are always the product of fuzzy wuzzy owners who love and spoil their dogs too much, and so it knows it can do whatever it likes without getting told off, so acts like a dog. If you're firm with them, they'll listen. So I firmly said NO without showing any signs of being scared, and the dog instantly stopped.

THEN, the owner comes over and she tells me off! She says "Alright, I can control my dogs, not you", sneering out of her stupid little face. "Can you?" I said, and walked off with poor ickle (yet still annoying for ripping my tomatoes) Luna.

THE CHEEK! Obviously, you can't control your dog, because it was barking and snapping and snarling at me and my dog. It's a huge dog, to have it walking around lead-less and snapping at everything is irresponsible and out of order, what if it attacked some children? So, I stopped it because I felt Luna was threatened, and she clearly felt threatened too. I didn't kick it, I didn't hit it, I didn't stab it in it's beady blood-lusting eyes, I just said NO, and it stopped. So don't tell me you can control your dog when you can't, and I have to do it for you.

Now you just have to figure out which character the title refers to :P

Blog 119: Holiday Diary 5

2011-08-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

Spinazzola - Day 7 or 8

“SEX ISN’T THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! You are...”
That’s the lovely line at the end of American Pie 5, followed by the one who says this having sex with the one he says it to, so it’s instantly undermined by boobies, just like everything else in the world really.

That’s what I’m watching now by the way, and can I say that it’s the best part of my day, other than perhaps the drive to where we visited.

We went to Matera. For those of you who’ve seen the Passion of the Christ, (and I haven’t), Matera’s where it was filmed. And there’s literally nothing there. So that was my day today. Visiting a place where literally nothing ever happened. Jesus didn’t die there, but someone pretending to be him pretended to die there. That’s all. Also, Mel Gibson probably walked around there a bit.

And we saw where that went down.

Blog 118: Holiday Diary 4

2011-08-14T12:40:00.001-07:00

Spinazzola - Day 6, probably?

So I have no idea what day we’re on. I think yesterday we went to a swimming pool with slides in, which was fun. I met some Canadians, and I asked them “What brings you guys out here in the middle of nowhere then?” meaning, why are you here and not someone where there’s loads to do, they answered “Vacation”. I didn’t speak to them again.

Today we walked around town a bit then had dinner with the extended ffffaaaammmmiiiillllyyyy. I realised there’s a band in Spinazzola that never stops playing. Literally. Just walks around all the time playing songs in their smart costumes playing songs non-stop. You have to be really mindful where they are in relation to you. If you’re in the street and you hear the band start playing behind you, then run, because if they catch you, the Tubas suck you in, because they don’t get any other chance to eat.
That’s all that’s happened today. I’m understandably bored.

Blog 117: Not Yorkshire

2011-08-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

Some of my friends from Yorkshire joined a facebook group saying everywhere that isn't Yorkshire should just be called Not Yorkshire. If I lived in somewhere that wasn't Yorkshire, (which I do) I would be really proud. So yes, call it Not Yorkshire.

Please don't stop reading my blog if you are from Yorkshire...

Blog 116: Holiday Diary 3

2011-08-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Spinazzola - Day 4

You may have figured out there’s no pattern as to which day I write this li’l travel journal on. Obviously, 1,3,4, isn’t a pattern, probably. And if it is, then I’m not intending it. It’s literally when I have nothing else to do.

As I implied yesterday, today was spent milling around in the house watching films. Somehow I’ve managed to eat two peaches, which, put together were literally the size of my head. I’ve also managed to only watch 2 films between 10am and 6.30pm. I watched American Pie 2 followed by The Hills Have Eyes. Because you really needed to know that. I’m also about halfway through The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe, the sequel to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Universe. I wish Douglas Adams didn’t have such long book names. Unfortunately I don’t own a copy of Life, the Universe and Everything to read once this book’s finished.

I’ve also spent a large segment of my day worrying and pondering. I’ve worried about how I’ve done NO work towards my dissertation, even though I’ve had no time to do that work at all ever this holiday. I’ve also pondered and worried about how silly I can be. And furthermore, I’ve pondered how best to get the circular metal object off the chimney across the street and into my possession.

Some of you may have seen the new Captain America movie. I’m not going to pretend it’s as good as Thor was, or that it’s a must see, but it’s not bad. And the circular object across the street looks EXACTLY like his shield, minus the paint job.

So I want it. Simples. And I’ve tried to work out the most efficient and safest way to get it. I’ve taken photographs of the item and the surrounding area, I’ve done the maths, the science. And at the moment I can see three possibilities.

1) Get a massive ladder and climb up the building opposite and take it. Problems? People will definitely see. And seeing as I don’t technically own the item, that may be a problem. Even more so, I don’t own the building...

2) Construct a structure from wire culminating in a coathanger. The item has bits of wire attached, all of which loop back to the item and form lovely li’l twisty bits I can hook onto, like hooking ducks at a fair (that’s not a euphemism) or hooking chicks in a club (that is). If I was to create a huge wire stick thing and hook it, I can probably either pull it back to my rooftop, or at least knock it to the ground. Problems? Knocking it to the ground might kill my nan if she’s outside, and then how am I gonna eat? Also, the only wire in the area is supporting the aerial. If I take the wire down, the whole thing might collapse.

3) Jump to the other roof. It’s definitely doable. It’s about 2 metres away, but also 2 metres lower. The roof tiles don’t look real sturdy but there’s a whole patch where there aren’t any roof tiles! Problems? There’s no way of getting back. I’ve surveyed the surrounding landscape and the only way would be through someone’s house.

And so for the rest of this evening I shall be plotting. In fact, until I get the damn thing, that’s my holiday plans sorted.

Blog 115: Holiday Diary 2

2011-08-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Spinazzola - Day 3

So after 2 days at the beach we had a mahooosive lie in on day 3. We were in bed til 8.30!!! My parents are such squares.

And then we stayed home for a bit. Me and my sister watched Monsters Inc followed by half of Carrie, then we all had lunch and went to the swimming pool, which was nice because it was basically empty, and has green grass! ACTUAL GREEN GRASS.

But we began to slowly realise that the people who worked at the pool were horrifying racists. At first when I caught one of the gorgeous pool attendant ladies looking my way I thought, hello, this is good! Then I remembered my Mum and Dad were with me so left it well alone. And when they asked everyone to join in the darts and volleyball games, they left us out because they figured out that we were pasty white English people.

In the evening me and my brother went for a prowl, see who’s who and what’s going down. Well, literally nothing is going down, except DJ Fox was blasting out some blazin’ tarantella and the oldies were gettin’ jiggy wi’it. So we sat on a bench, looking for people our age to hang out with. Literally. Nobody. I’m glad I brought my laptop now.

Blog 114: Holiday Diary 1

2011-08-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Spinazzola - Day 1

So, obviously I’m on holiday, because I’m writing a diary, and if I wasn’t on holiday I definitely wouldn’t have time to do this. Oh wait, yes I would, because I’m a student. I forgot about that because literally NOTHING INTERESTING EVER HAPPENS.
But don’t worry, I’ve been up to my usual antics over summer, and that’s why I haven’t written a blog in a while I guess. So here’s my diary, all blogged up and ready to go, written on location.
The plan was go to Rome, spend 4 days there, and then drive to the south of Italy where my Dad was born to spend around 9 days there, even though it’s literally in the middle of nowhere. Now, when we were in Rome, we were busy, getting up to all sorts of notable activities. However, because we were busy, I didn’t have time to write a diary. But now that I’m doing nothing, I have time. But nothing to write about. That doesn’t stop the massive paragraph underneath though.
So today we went to the beach. By we I mean my Mum, Dad, Brosef Stephen and Sistef Laura, and then my Grandparents, I Nonni as there known in Italy: Nonno and Nonna.

The beach was nice. Sun, sand, umbrellas, bikinis, big bellies, wrinkly upper thighs and buttock area, girls with pit hair, girls with overgrown ahems and oh yeh, topless babes! And by topless babes, I mean old ladies with their tits dragging in the sand.

What to do on the beach!? So many options! Swim, cough up salt, get sand in your hair, walk around all pasty white next to the blackest white people you’ll EVER see or play with a bean bag. So we played bean bag, which involved throwing it to each other in the sea. It was actually really fun. Then we started rugby tackling waves until a hot girl came over and my brother got embarrassed. And then a perfectly ok day turned into the worst day of my life. My brother, my own brother, lost. My. Beanbag.
Then we came home, ate crackers and Philadelphia and cried into my straw hat which doesn’t quite fit my head but that’s ok because everyone just rests them on the top of their head anyways now. Dunno what’s gonna happen tonight. Probably just eat too much food and lie on the floor like Jabba, just without the bikini-clad princess. When in Rome.

Blog 113: Just a Li'l Something

2011-07-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

I'm just writing a little something to moisten your dry interest, as I'm very very aware that I haven't written anything on here properly for like, a while.

Why is it we tell people, when they're grieving a lost loved one, that they're "Probably up there right now, looking down on us and smiling?"

It's kinda ridiculous. I mean, sorry, but say you get to heaven, and there's huuuuuge parties, chocolate growing on trees, everyone's well fun, you can hang out with GOD and like all the angels, etc, (I mean, that's kinda really cool...) so why on EARTH (or why in heaven) would you waste all your time just sitting on a cloud on your own observing the ridiculously mundane tasks which your relatives are doing? I mean, for real? I can imagine, maybe, you might take 5 minutes or something to watch your kids getting married or whatever, but REALLY are you sitting there watching them on the bus, smiling down?

Also, right, someone was talking about my Great Grandpa the other day. Now, when he was alive, his house always smelt a bit of TCP, like ALWAYS, and this person was saying how they went to an antique market type thing, and smelt TCP and they actually said "It was like Grandpa was there". Really? REALLY? Is he really just wandering around an antique store? And does thinking that really bring you comfort? I mean, to be honest, that sounds rubbish for five minutes, let alone eternity. And the smell of TCP doesn't mean his spirit is wafting around nearby! His spirit isn't gonna smell of TCP?! It doesn't mean if I feel a sore throat coming on i GARGLE a bit of my Grandpa to sort it out?!

I think my Grandpa is MORE LIKELY to be in heaven, and I'd rather he was than wandering aimlessly around an antique store. I think he would've wanted it that way too.

Might as well dedicate this to him, even though it's rubbish.

Blog 112: Chris Rock

2011-06-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

I've just watched the Longest Yard, the one with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock in it. I just want to say something to Chris. Yes, you're black. We can see it. Not being funny, but you don't need to keep reminding us, and it isn't funny when you do. Keep being black, by all means. Just stop telling me the whole time when I can see your skin tone in full HD.

Blog 111: Facebook Quiz

2011-05-09T02:51:00.001-07:00

Don't get your hopes up, this isn't really a quiz. I'm just angry at this new Facebook "phenomenon" where random quizzes get thrown around and people answer the questions. It was alright when it was genuinely important, I even used it myself to find out if it's better to be a pirate or a cowboy. It was still alright when you can find out how many films or books from a certain list you've watched, or where you've been in the UK. Fine. But recently my feed has just been full to the brim with answers to one question: What is the worst thing a guy can say to a girl?

Most of the answers seem to be "Have you gained weight?" or "Out of ten you're a...", that sort of thing. The kinda thing that no guy would ever say to a girl. And if i'm wrong on that one then I really do despair for the world.

It's a stupid question with no actual bearing, and no point behind it other than maybe to hint at guys not to say the things we already weren't going to say.

But then the multiple choice options are ridiculous! Think about it, is "Have you gained weight REALLY the worst thing you could say?

Now, obviously, i'm not a lady. Otherwise my name wouldn't be Michael, and I wouldn't have a willy. And at school my nickname wasn't Casanova. BUT, I think I know girls well enough to say, and shoot me down if I'm wrong, but a girl would rather hear "have you gained weight?" than something along the lines of "You know your kids? I trapped them in a small cage, I've already eaten James, and Sarah looks like she's getting ill off all the slugs I'm feeding her." I think that would be the worst thing. Or something like, "All your family and pets are robots, but don't worry, I've switched them off. The cat twitched a bit but I stopped it with my boot. I never knew battery acid was red!" I could go on. But I won't. Because I'm going to kill you.

Blog 110: Good Friday, Bad Google.

2011-04-22T05:10:00.000-07:00

It's Good Friday as I write this. For anyone that doesn't realise, Good Friday is the day which we remember Jesus dying on the cross. (Easter is for when he rose from the dead two days later.) Now obviously, there's some debate over wether he rose from the dead, or was the son of God, and although I believe that, I'm not here to drum that into your skulls (although obviously, I'd recommend it). BUT nobody in their right minds denies that there was a man called Jesus who taught us some really sound stuff and was then crucified. And Good Friday is when we remember this.

Now it's easy enough to remember when Good Friday is. You know Easter is always on a Sunday right? Well, go two days before that, and that's ALWAYS Good Friday. So it's not like you're gonna forget.

But guess who's just invented a groovy holiday and decided to plonk it right where Good Friday is this year. That's right, Google have invented a holiday.

WELL ok, it's been around since 1970, but still. Nobody knows or cares about Earth Day, it's a ridiculous idea and is fundamentally pointless. But if you MUST have Earth Day, why don't you whack it somewhere around, I dunno, June, July, August, September, early October, late November time? Heck, shove it on the 23rd of December, it won't ever accidentally clash with Christmas will it. BUT HERE'S AN IDEA! Don't whack it right where there's already a more prominent holiday. It's like standing next to Martin Luther King and trying to get praise for how you went back to the shop and gave them the 30p for the biscuit which they forgot to scan through. Nobody cares, you're not a hero, and if anything, you're an idiot for throwing away 30p.

But you know what's even worse? So it accidentally clashes with Good Friday. Not the best planning, but hey ho, people make mistakes. But on the google homepage, don't pretend like Earth Day is a bigger deal than Good Friday?! Whether you're a massive church goer who never leaves a pew except to make a PPEEE-EEWWW (see what I did there?) or basically a satanist who never leaves his or her pentagram, Good Friday has become a fundamental day which is engrained into our culture in all country's with a Christian foundation and history, so I dunno where Google gets off pretending like Earth Day is the best thing ever. I don't know what Earth Day is, I dunno what it's for. Oh if I don't remember to celebrate EARTH DAY I'm gonna forget what the EARTH is, OH BLOODY HELL what's this massive sphere I'm treading all over, oh golly gosh, oh wait, Earth Day's here OH I REMEMBER, it's the Earth. This literally never happens. So go away Earth Day, get off google's little picture version of it's logo and let's have some recognition for someone. You're probably thinking, well this is an overreaction, it's not like anyone died, but 1) my URL says about me ranting, so you had a warning and 2) SOMEONE DID DIE. And we're too busy celebrating Earth Day to care about it. Let's reconsider Earth Day, please, we're coming off as idiots.

Although, to be honest, soon as we find martians we'll get rid of Earth Day due to it being politically incorrect.

Blog 109: Sticky Quickie

2011-04-22T05:03:00.000-07:00

Just a quick li'l blog today, for those who were brave enough to read past that disturbing, and thanfully misleading, title.

This post is actually a review of amazon prime. For those that don't know, amazon prime is a tasty extra to normal amazon, but which you have to pay extra for. The main bonus of amazon prime (it might be the only one, but it's the only one I'm aware of anyways) is that you can get your orders on 1 day delivery, for free! (Except it's not, because amazon prime isn't free)

I was recently offered a month's trial of amazon prime, so I jumped at the chance. And then I finally got to test it out on Wednesday 20th of April, around 3 o clock in the afternoon. One day delivery? Go on then.

It's expected on Saturday, the 23rd April. Nice one amazon. We'll deliver your items in one day! For money! And it'll take three days to do it.

Blog 108: Point of View

2011-04-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

You might wanna read about my pointless lectures before you look at this one, but it's not essential. But if you want the full story check out this post first:

http://pasqualerants.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-101-why-oh-why.html

Or look for post 101.

ANYWAY. We had an assignment, which was ridiculous, and stupid, pointless and mundane and completely impossible. We had to define "point", "line", "plane", "structure" and "form" (in the artistic sense of those words). Our definitions had to be original, so we couldn't use the dictionary (which, despite the impossibility to define those words, does a pretty good job that can't really be done better...) What annoys me about this is that everyone knows what these are, but like colours, you can't really explain it. If someone said "describe the colour green" you'd find yourself probably punching that person in the mouth. Moreover, if someone came up to you and genuinely didn't know what a line or point was, they'd probably get several skin breaking kicks to the shin, and deservedly. But we had to do basically that for this assignment.

I'd already got credit for making the popping noise that donkey makes in Shrek 2 to define the sound that a point would make if it was a sound, so I should really have been let off having to define it on paper too. But as if defining it with words weren't enough, we had to illustrate these 5 things (objects? concepts? what even are they?) too.

Now, obviously we can't just draw a line or a point (although that is a good way to see what they are) so this bit wound me up. How am I supposed to do such obvious things in original ways?

I got so wound up that I did an e-mail to the module leader:

"Hello,

I'm writing primarily to enquire about the Design Theory 2 (DESN2640) assignment we have been given, as I have spent the past few hours attempting to do it and it has only resulted in me feeling stressed. I am unsure as to what the idea of the assignment is. I was wondering if you could give me some indication of what the assignment is intended to achieve so that I can try and focus my project towards that goal. At the moment I am struggling for ideas to define "point" in any other way than how the dictionary does it, which of course is unoriginal and so wouldn't be allowed. I find that "point" and "line" are concepts so basic that I cannot begin to think of how to describe them, much like how I wouldn't be able to describe the colour red to someone if they asked. I hope you don't find this email rude and I certainly don't wish to come across as such, I am writing purely to ask where you intend us to go with these assignments as I am struggling to focus and specify what I am writing.

Thankyou in advance

Michael Pasquale"

And this was toned down. My original draft was way more sarcastic and grumpy, but unfortunately I didn't save that one.

The reply was this:

"Michael,
I suggest also that you read the given assignment again (with care). Your focus should be on producing original illustrations and definitions for inclusion in a text bvook for visual artists and designers. My advice is to try to produce the visuals first. You may well find that the words then follow the images rather than vice versa.
Originality is required, but a survey using google (for example) and whatever relevant text books you can access, may stimulate this originality. Hope this is helpful.
Regards,

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange"

So basically, read the brief, which OBVIOUSLY I had done, several times, and the brief literally says what he says: "Your focus should be on producing original illustrations and definitions for inclusion in a text bvook for visual artists and designers". I was hoping for some indication as to why this activity would be any use to me now, or ever. Because it really won't be.

I should point out, that when he says they're meant to be for "inclusion in a text book", he's literally been asked to make some definitions for a textbook, and he can't be bothered, so he's asked the whole module to do it and he's choosing the best to be used in the textbook. So this is the actual reason why this is happening, and the reason why I wanted to repeatedly smash my face into my computer keyboard until the blood jammed up the letters and I couldn't type anymore.

Goodness, where did all that anger come from?

Anyways, we got set another stupid task and upon handing in the second task we received the results from the above one back, and I did well. Which annoyed me. Because my intention for my illustrations was to take the mick and try to point out what a truly stupid and ridiculous task this is, but instead it was misread as "an attempt to breathe originality into the assignment."

Anyway, I thought I'd post my definitions on tumblr so that you can all have a gander at how well I did despite wanting to just trash my room. Hopefully they'll get chosen for the book as well, because then people using the book might find the original drawings on here and realise it's all a massive massive farce.

You can find the definitions here at this link:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/post/4362183266/some-ridiculous-definitions-which-we-had-to-do-for

Enjoy!!!

Blog 107: Regression Therapy

2011-03-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

Here's the final installment of my whacky days of myspace blogging. I think now that I've typed these up I will reveal my myspace to the world, so people can visit it. One day, when I've saved the world or done something equally high profile, the myspace will remain there as a sort of museum about my childhood. The link is http://www.myspace.com/pasqualester

Here's the final post from my myspace blog:

"It was a dark night at the house of Count Von Pasqualestein. Thunder rumbled in the night air. Nathan was playing a board game quietly, and was hummin Pink Floyd to himself. Lightning struck the ground outside, leaving the smell of sulphur, a ringing in Nathan's ears, and a blinding white light. When the light faded, Nathan screamed in terror...for there was the evil Michael and Andrew, and their new accomplice, Adam. Nathan remembered too well, that night in the lounge all those years ago...they wedgied him so hard he couldn't walk for a week! He screamed in terror again, and then Adam pounced, holding his arms on the floor. The other two grabbed the edge of Nathan's boxers and yanked him into the air, so he was dangling by a wedgie. He screamed a scream which whimpered into a silence. Blood seeped from under the door, and lighting struck. The 3 wedgie-ers ran away into the night.Then out scrambled Nathan. He crawled along, as he couldn't walk any longer. They had got him again, but he had survived once more. He knew they would be back...and he was right! So let that be a warning to you all, espescially if you are Nathan! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA."

I do remember this night, and it was hillarious. My version is perhaps a bit over dramatic but it's based on glorious true events. I do sort of feel sorry for Nathan but... naaaaaah, I don't.
I wonder if he'll read this? If he does, then Hi Nathan!

That brings me to the end of this series of blog posts, but I'm sure I'll be back soon with some more tasty rants or something for you to read instead of doing that really important work you have to do...

Laters x

Blog 106: Ye Olde Blogs

2011-03-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

Another confusing one from my old blog:

"This is what i found in a report from my agent last week...
EVIL WORLD DESTRUCTION PLAN...
Your objective is simple: Destroy the Earth
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Revenge
Stage One:
To begin your plan, you must first Blackmail a Pope. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this Evil Genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks?
Stage Two:
Next, you will Seize control of that Opera House in Sydney. This will cause countless hordes of Mad Scientists to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with Sheer dementedness, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.
Stage Three:
Finally, you will Unleash your Horsemen of the Apocalypse, bringing about an Unending Cacophony of Screams. This will all be done from a Dark Side of the Moon, an excellent choice if I might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.
Trust me, it'll all come together in the end. Good Luck,
from,
your agent."

I don't know who my agent is, and again, I'm really scared by this one! I have no idea what is going on!

I remember I once had to act as a mad german scientist called Wilf for a whole week to entertain some kids, and I really do wonder if it began to have an effect on my actual life. It's almost like method acting, but reversed, where I play the character and then slowly become that character in actual real life :/
I used to be able to (more or less) do a german accent, but I can't any more...

Keep an eye out for the final blog from my myspace next time...

Blog 105: Insert "Clever" Pun

2011-03-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

Another tasty treat from my old myspace blog...
I literally have no idea what this one is about, wether I wrote it on my own, or with someone, or if someone else did or what, I honestly don't remember, and quite frankly, it scares me...

"In order to understand "Operation Annoy All" you need to realize that everything is controlled by a Batfrod Massif made up of Geeks with help from Loser-kind.
The conspiracy first started during Battle of the Somme in Rothampstead Park. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including Margaret Thatcher's victory in the elections.
Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by poking and/or the chopping off of vital limbs, such as legs.
They want to murder Queen Elizabeth I and imprison resisters in Luton town using bicycles.
In order to prepare for this, we all must punch someone. Since the media is controlled by Tony Blair we should get our information from Ian Duncan Smith."

Genuinely scared by this one...

Blog 104: Mysp-age

2011-03-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

Another little post from old myspace Mike:

"It was the night of the 22nd september, 2006. Nathan Edwards felt happy. It was finally the weekend. But little did he know the horror that was waiting for him.
He fought it good, he fought it well, but his resistance was futile. Nathan walked home a different way. He waddled home. The wedgie had been too much.
The monsters weren't gremlins, r bogeymen. It was me and Chandler. And I think you'll agree that we did the right thing..."

This one was followed by

"Yo dudes who are sad enough to read my blogs! How is it with you guys?

This blog is a random blog. It is meant to be profound. But what does blog really mean? Is is just a little 'diary' type thing on the internet? or is it more? Think about it."

It's not even funny the horrendous grasp of the "english" language which I had back then. It's just annoying. Also, whoever the second post was written by (ie, me) deserves a right smack.

More to come...

Blog 103: Prehisblogic

2011-03-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

I just went on my myspace, which for some reason still exists, and found that I had a blog before this one, which I literally do not remember writing, at all! However, it holds some magical mystical gems of what I'd call literature, and so I'm beginning a small series of blogs which will publish (properly) my old blog posts. Some of them make no sense, at all, even to myself.

I have learnt one thing from these blogs: I am so glad that I've changed.

First up, a post about a trip to Belgium we did in year 10.

"Battlefields Trip was amazing. I had a great time with my mates, and then the trenches were really good fun. The cemetries were kinda sad, as you realise just how many people died in the Great War.

I was in a room with Tim, Simon, and Nathan, and we were known as room 12, or better yet, Tim, Simon, Nathan and Michael. We combined Simon's ipod with my speakers to enable us to have an air guitar fest, and when we weren't rockin', we were annoyin Nathan by makin him listen to Kelly Clarkson."

Right, several issues.

1 Air guitar fests are fun, but there were other people on this trip. I dunno why we didn't just hang out with them...

2 I missed out the best bit, when we asked a teacher for some more loo roll, he said "Put a cork in it". So I asked him for a cork.

3 Why did I write "The trenches were really good fun"? What sort of an idiot kid visits trenches from the first world war and comments on how they were "really good fun". I don't think I reacted to this trip properly.

So there you are, hope you enjoyed that... plenty more to come from old me...

Blog 102: Is This Sparta?

2011-03-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

IT'S BEEN A WHILE!?!

I know, and I apologise.

But there's not much to rant about at the mo! I'm worried. I've run out of stuff to rant about and I'm only 20, so what on earth am I gonna do when I'm like, 80?

Anyways, thankfully, the drunk people of Leeds have come to a temporary rescue...

Last night I trundled off to the cinema to see Rango and had a wonderful evening, but unfortunately, just like any other evening, it had to end, and I had to walk home.

Since living in a city rather than my real home in like, a rubbish little town, I enjoy walking places now, ESPECIALLY at night, just because of all the funny people, who are made even funnier when drunk.

One girl was trundling along and all of a sudden her heel collapsed on her and she fell over. Being a true hero :D I, well, I didn't run, but I walked swiftly over to make sure she was ok and see if she needed any help.

"Are you alright?" I enquired.

"Yes thanks" she replied.

"Need any help getting up?"

"No"

"Oh...ok then..."

I didn't know what to do... so I just walked off. Then I felt bad, but its not like I had much option...

Anyway, the highlight of my walk home was the people walking in the opposite direction kitted out in the 300 Spartan's gear... sort of ...boxers and capes aren't completely accurate, and I don't remember King Leonidas sporting the Umbro brand on the front of his panties, but you got the gist of who they were meant to be.

There was about 20 of these spartans, wandering into town, and one of them I noticed, stepped off the path into a shady corner.

Uh oh, I thought, perhaps he's betraying them like that little hunchbacked guy in the film... Or maybe he's ambushing me, and they've mistook me for a persian... So I was wary...

Of course, it wasn't this. It was just that this particular Spartan needed a wee. So he went and weed on a church (not the best place to wee... the worst thing that can happen when you wee on most buildings is you get told off, but weeing on a church is never gonna be a good idea is it...) and I realised these guys weren't the hardened warriors from the film, but just a load of drunk students without six packs.

What they were, were 20 boys, dressed in nothing but boxers and a cape, just them, some boys. Going for a walk, basically naked. Not the coolest thing to do.

As the guy weed all over the church, I was waiting for him to turn it round and make it epic, to give me some hope that they haven't misunderstood the film entirely (anyone who's seen the film will understand that the message is to make EVERYTHING epic). But alas, he didn't shout "TONIGHT WE PISS IN HELL". Nah, that night he just narrowly avoided pissing himself.

Blog 101: Why, Oh Why?

2011-03-04T05:14:00.001-08:00

Why have I just spent an hour of my life being told about symmetry and how many lines of symmetry a square has? Why have I just spent loads of money on something my 15 year old sister could have taught me, for free, three years ago?

My lecture today was, surprise surprise, a waste of time. For a good ten minutes early this afternoon, I was watching a bewildering and confused museum curator (who my friend Robyn says looks like the Weetos man) count how many lines there were on an octagonal window.

One, two, three, four, five, si...oh no wait a minute I missed one...one, two, three, four, FIVE, six, seven, eight, nine...

At one stage he said "I told this to two other people and they both completely got it. One was-"

Five.

"-and the other was - "

Seven.

No wait. One was the winner of the Nobel PHYSICS prize, and apparently he understood symmetry straight away. He must be a clever chap if he can understand symmetry. I mean, when I heard he'd won the Nobel Prize for Physics I had my doubts about his intellect and potential to do great things, but if he knows that a rectangle has 2 lines of symmetry then he must be incredible.

The other one was Henry Moore.

As in Henry Moore who's name is usually followed up by about 8 letters for various achievements? Henry Moore the famous sculptor and artist? Well, the lecturer didn't say, but looking at Henry Moore's work now on google, I can't say symmetry is something that seems to have a profound effect.

"It's not a new thing, symmetry. Think about all the designs in the world! Do you think cars are symmetrical for no reason? It's because we as humans are symmetrical (which we're not really) and so we like things to look symmetrical."

Tell you what, get a car, take one of the front wheels off and try driving up the M1. You will go round in circles for about thirty seconds and then you will die. That is what will happen. For this reason, cars are symmetrical.

"Look at this church, it's layout is symmetrical, because we like the look of it."

Probably isn't, actually. Most of the time one of the parts is longer than another. Moreover, ever noticed that churches are crossed shaped? Not because of symmetry, but because Jesus died on a cross. That is why Christians, who are named after Jesus Christ, have buildings which look like a Cross, on which Jesus Christ died.

He was right when he said a lot of insects and fish are symmetrical. Yes, they are. But it's not because they're trying to look hot or impress a girl, it's because they work better when they are shaped like that. And more to the point, who the hell even cares.

Why do things like this happen to me?

Blog 100: My First Stand Up

2011-01-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

HELLO! We've made it to 100 posts and I've made it to 20 years old, and so far I still haven't been attacked by rabid dogs or had the chance to be cryogenically frozen. However, I have been able to perform stand up in front of real people for the first time in my life. And so to celebrate my 100th blog, here is a video blog, or Vlog, showing my first ever stand up, ever.

Enjoy :D

Thankyou to everyone who reads my blogs for these wonderous 100 posts, and I hope you've enjoyed and will continue to enjoy these well into the future. I hope you all enjoy the video and continue to look out for more of me :D

Thanks again, love you all, and take care. I'll see you for my 101st blog soon enough xx

Blog 99: 1

2011-01-24T04:34:00.000-08:00

In the song "Mr. Brownstone" Axl Rose boasts about his addiction to heroine and how it affected his life and the band's life, saying "I get up around 7, I get out of bed around 9."

Now is it just me, or is that really not that bad@$$ for an 80s metal band? As much as I love good ol' pre-axl-rose-going-mental and slash leaving Guns N' Roses, getting up at 7 and getting out of bed at 9 is well pansy. Just today I woke up at 9 and only just now got out of bed, and as I write this it's 12:37. And the worst drug I take is Weetabix, and the Morrison's value version at that. I don't know why they were often 3 hours late to gigs when they had all that time since their early rise-n-shinin' at 9 until the evening, where all they did was probably snort powders and bang ladies with massive hair-do's.

On a smaller note, you may have noticed it's my 99th blog. And obviously, that means that the next one will be my 100th. And I know I broke my New Year's Eve promise to upload 100 by midnight of the last day of 2010, but this Friday I am turning 20, and so I think that would be a similar excuse for me to upload my 100th blog. So keep reading.

Blog 98: 2

2011-01-24T01:26:00.000-08:00

I bought a game the other day and it was delivered (somehow) yesterday, despite it being sunday. It's Aliens Vs Predator, for anyone who's interested.

It is a good game, it's good fun being the humans, but it is also the most terrifying thing anyone could ever do in the world ever. I was sat in the dark in my room mesmerized by the horror as I wandered through dark space corridors listening intently to my motion sensor for the dreaded beeping that means a vicious lizardy-insect is coming at me to chew off my face. Every once in a while you are fortunate to rendez-vous with some other humans with guns, and it's the most satisfying and relieving thing in the world, until shortly after they are ripped to shreds, mashed and stolen right in front of your eyes, living you with the aliens coming at you and your tiny little pistol.

I don't know what in the world SEGA thought was a good idea about making a game which leaves people in puddles of their own hard-earned urine, but for some reason it works. I didn't sleep much last night though.

Blog 97: 3

2011-01-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

I just had an exam for my University course and one of the questions was either really difficult and I was missing something major in my revision, or it was the easiest question in the WORLD.

It still annoyed me though.

The question was: "What do you think the world will be like in 2025."

Well here's my answer.

"I personally believe the world will end in 2012, like the aztecs. (Not really) But for the purpose of this question let's assume that the prediction is not 100% definitely going to happen.

I think the world in the future will be a very different place. The main difference is that machines will rule the world, and they will keep the humans in pods and this will be how they make energy, because we will have run out of oil and other fossil fuels. The machines will plug the humans into a computer program, which means the humans will think they are living a life similar to a life lived by someone from the 1990s.

There will be some humans who have resisted the machines rule and live in a city called Zion. One of these will wear a Guy Fawkes mask and be called V. He will take a young girl hostage and then blow up the Houses of Parliament, for some reason.

There will be another man, called Morpheus. He will go into the computer program and find the One who will fight the machines.

The Machines will react violently, sending a giant austrian robot back to the 80s to kill Sarah Connor, who is someone's mum. The humans send V back with Kyle Reese to stop him, but Kyle ends up having it away with Sarah. They beat the robot, but he comes back to fight a police robot, who is Robocops friend.

I would like to say that they will have suits made of metal that can fly, not dissimilar to Iron Man, but of course that is unrealistic and wouldn't happen, no matter how much we want it. Instead we will have to defeat the aliens on Sigourney Weaver's ship without high tech suits, but it should be ok because as soon as it lands on Pandora the Na'vi will be waiting."

That's what I think will happen. You can't fault it, it's in movies.

Blog 96: 4

2011-01-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

So it's the New Year. And I know I didn't keep my promise to upload my 100th blog post as it turned midnight, so I'm sorry to all of you who read my blog (my understanding is that it's not that many) and I will make it up to you by having a wonderful blog for my 96th one with pictures and everything. It'll be like magic.

Yesterday I went on a lovely trip to London to Madamme Tussaud's.

Oh, what a place!

Where else can you stand next to a statue of Freddie Mercury or Jimi Hendrix or Henry VIII as if they were still alive?

Well, Madamme Tussaud's anywhere else, of course, but there's nowhere else in London, that's for 78% sure!

And so off I went on the tube, all to London, and went in the door and LOOK! THE BEATLES! LEO DI CAPRIO! JONNY DEPP! JOHN F KENNEDY! David Cameron? Zac...Ef..ron?

Uh oh. I've walked into my worst nightmare, I realised, as I looked over to Patrick Stewart on his own (he'd probably cry if he had tear ducts) whilst Leona Lewis had crowds around her. And where's Mick Jagger? Ian McKellen? Waitaminute... why isn't Stalin here?!

The world around me crashed down into tiny pieces as I realised finally that I'm not like anyone else. I'm 19, and yet I don't like JLS more than Slash, I don't agree that Glee is a good thing and I certainly don't want to watch a film where the main character is played by Daniel Radcliff. And that's when I learnt the horrible truth about myself. That I'm an old person trapped in a tubby young person's body. I'm grumpy, I reminisce about the "good ol' days" which I didn't even experience and I'm living in my own personal nightmare where my favourite song from this year was by Kylie.

And I will moan about it. I will moan about how people watch the Hills and yet NOBODY watches the Office or Flight of the Conchords. I'll complain that people read Hello magazine but have never picked up the Hobbit or even tried the Watchmen. But I guess these things will never change. They will just continue to scare and alienate me until I sit on a porch and shout things at passers-by until I become the talk of the town and the laughing stock of the local schools. They'll make jokes about how I'm probably a sexual deviant in secret, or how I am definately a criminal. And I'll just continue to rant my way into insanity and think "It all began with that blog."

And to cheer ourselves all up a bit, here's a link to my pictures:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/

Blog 95: 5

2010-12-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

I've just seen a rather upsetting advert about the polar bears.

It said something a long the lines of "The polar bears are in danger this christmas. the ice is melting. Give just three pounds a month and we can save them..."
Now don't get me wrong.
I love animals, and polar bears are cute and everything, despite the fact I have a dead rat on my picture above this. BUT this advert is ridiculous.
ASIDE from the fact that a polar bear would HAPPILY rip you apart even if you were trying to help it, what on EARTH will giving three pounds a month acheive.Are they gonna buy some ice and dump it in the sea? Because UMMMMM it'll just melt again.
Are they gonna give them a hair cut and move them somewhere warmer? 'COS LOOK OUTSIDE. It's snowing. So it's cold.
Which means it's colder in the NORTH POLE. So I doubt the ice is melting. What's more, is that if we're not careful these polar bears will become clever and invent cars which will now be able to drive on the not-icy roads of the Artic circle. Then their new feuls that they invented will start to do global cooling and the whole of Africa will get icy and all the lions will start dying. So my solution? KILL THOSE POLAR BEARS.
Don't ACTUALLY kill the polar bears, that was a joke, obviously, it was a joke. BUT I wouldn't trust these charities. Feel free to but don't then invent a charity to get me to pay in aid of the millions of people who were ripped off by charities asking weird things that don't seem to help, and if they do, please clarify HOW a bit more, please.

Whilst I seem to be going mental and being a horrid person at Christmas, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ON THE HIGH STREET. YES I HAVE TIME. YES I CAN SPARE SOME OF IT TALKING TO YOU AND YES I GUESS IT'S THE NICE THING TO DO.
BUT.
I am a student.
I have no money.
I don't care.
I want to go home, and not sit outside talking to you about something you're clearly passionate about, when I'm not. How would you like it if I stopped you at EVERY OPPORTUNITY to tell you why I think the Godfather three isn't as good as the other two but is still a good film if you ignore a couple of actors. Or why the graphic novel of Watchmen is a lot different from the film.

That brings me to the end of this particular rant. Conveniently, this could well be the last one before Christmas, so I look horrible.

But, I hope you won't judge me too severely, and have a WONDERFUL christmas.

Blog 94: 6

2010-11-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a tremendously exciting blog, because it's about naked girls. Wahey!

So I have a twitter account, as you probably know because you as readers probably don't exist anymore, and this blog is just an unread venting of stuff.

BUT basically, with twitter, anyone can follow you. And sometimes you get a charity or business after people to help them or whatever and so you get them following. Then sometimes you get a girl doing a myspace shot who wants casual sex which is ridiculous enough.

But today was the day I was followed by a naked girl.

I got a lovely little email, saying "NAME" wants to follow you on twitter! And so, all excited, I rushed across cyberspace to see my lovely new follower and what she was about and LO AND BEHOLD! She was naked, and asking me to see her "super sexy new vid"!

My first thought was ah poor dear, she can't afford clothes :( How sad!

But then I realised she has a COMPUTER, and INTERNET ACCESS, AND A CAMERA. So that can't be true.

And so I came to realise that she is probably a bit of a...hmmm...what's the politically correct term...

SLUT.

And so I blocked her (not with my penis).

What mostly annoyed me though was that the picture was just of the body, there was no head!

When will people learn that decapitation, even in a digital format, JUST ISN'T SEXY.

Have you seen my super sexy new vid?

I get beheaded.

Blog 93: 7

2010-11-11T03:35:00.000-08:00

Don't worry. I'm not turning into one of those people who thinks the government are trying to put stuff in our drinks so we go and fight a war. I'm not a hippie.

In fact, this blog is a direct attack on those sorts of people, basically.

I've been youtubing adverts for a project and I was specifically looking at adverts aimed at children, and got sidetracked by a video called "Disney Subliminal Messaging" so watched it.

Basically, keeping my theme of things that annoy me, these people who sit there looking for anything in any movie that looks like a penis really need something better to do.

I'm not gonna debate the common things, like where it says "Sex" in the lion king or what "down where it's wetter" means (although I honestly think he means the sea, considering the sea is a large body of water found commonly throughout the world. It could be a euphemism, but considering the entire song is about living UNDER THE EFFING SEA I think people have read into it too much) I do have an issue with people getting all horrified and worried about their babies because of it though. PLENTY of people have watched the Lion King and it's rare that anyone becomes a sex pest because the word sex is written in some dust. If these things are true, which they rarely are, they're usually not because animators are trying to brainwash kids to turn them into zombies who go around humping everything, but more likely, because animation is a slow process which is drawn out frame by frame, and something like writing the word sex into some dust is a bit of a laugh.

What REALLY annoys me is when people go MENTAL and start making it up. One of the videos commented on how in pretty much EVERY disney film, the mum dies in the credits.

Dumbo, yes, Bambi, yes. The Little Mermaid doesn't have a mum.

However, Aladdin, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, The Rescuers and pretty much all the Disney Pixar films don't have mum's dying, so it's not really ALL. And it doesn't mean Disney are trying to do away with mothers, it's just emotive. Not to mention Disney rarely come up with the story but take a pre-existing children's tale and make an animation.

To be honest, where do you stop? HAVE YOU NOTICED EVERY FILM AT SOME POINT HAS SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN IN IT? Are the film industry trying to encourage bad things to happen? No, they're not, but films wouldn't work if there was never anything BAD happening.

One of the most mental ones I saw claimed that Mr Tumnus from Narnia is exactly the same in appearance as PAN, the PAGAN SEX GOD.

Well, he may look the same, but he that is because MR TUMNUS IS A FAUN AND FAUNS LOOK LIKE WHAT MR TUMNUS DOES.

It went onto say the interactions between Mr Tumnus and Lucy are a bit like a pedo. Again, that isn't DISNEY, it's the story of NARNIA, and he IS trying to capture Lucy to get her to the White Queen. The video said "This is clearly Walt Disney's intentions..."

NO IT'S NOT! FAUNS LOOK LIKE THAT!

Apparently Walt Disney liked to be involved with witchcraft, and this is why so many witches are in his films.

I mean, most of the time they ARE evil, so it's not like they're ENCOURAGING it, are they.

In the montage that follows they attack Mickey Mouse in a wizard's hat, the Genie off Aladdin, and then go mental and criticise Disney for having a wizard in the popular story known as the WIZARD OF OZ. OF COURSE IT'S GONNA HAVE A WIZARD IN IT.

Anyway, I think I better stop before I get too angry. And anyway, I think the Devil's talking to me via my poster of spider-man.

Blog 92: 8

2010-10-26T14:07:00.001-07:00

My annoying thing for this week is when technology goes wrong. Here is an example of such a situation.

"Oh look, a Macbook. It looks nice, I hear it performs well and how much is it...£800?! and even more for the PRO version?! Oh dear that is pricey...Oh well, if it's as good as it is expensive, which I've heard it is, then I'll go for it..."

Some years later.

"I'll just turn my mac on. I haven't done anything like downloaded a dodgy file because I haven't downloaded anything for about a week, so there's no reason why it won't switch on...just press that button there...

WHAT THE HELL IT WON'T SWITCH ON AND NOW ALL MY PHOTOS OF THAILAND ARE EFFING GONE."

This is just ONE, JUST ONE example of technology going wrong. There are many others:

"This plane seems sturdy, and they've been perfected over time...Uh oh, it's crashing."

"Ah, a hairdryer, I'll just dry my hair whilst I'm in the bath...woops!"

"Right, I just need to straighten my hair so I can look pretty when I go ou-AH SUGAR I'VE BURNT A FRAGMENT OF MY FACE"

And so on and so forth. Soon it will be 2011 and my face is still burnt from straighteners. This annoys me.

Blog 91: 9

2010-10-16T07:10:00.001-07:00

At number 9 on my 10 most annoying things which I haven't mentioned already is the North/South divide in England, and how, most of the time, the North gets the friendlier people.
I say most of the time, because I've had bad experiences both up north and "daaan saaaf" but generally speaking all the twats live in the bottom of England.
I have a theory for this. Twats are heavier than nice people. This is because nice people are made of candy floss and bubbles and Twats are made from horrible insects and nasty looking stones. So all the twats have sunk towards the bottom of the world and all the nice people sort of floated upwards.
Now I know what people are thinking. How come some people are nice down south and nasty up north? Well some people get stuck against hills etc. This is why there's a lot of scary people in Scotland. It's hilly and so people get snagged on ledges and stay up north (and yes, it's just north England really) Now the real issue is why are the people in Liverpool like they are, there's no real hills there. Well that's true, but Liverpool people are full of noxious gas, so they DO float, but aren't filled with bubbles.
Of course, it's a shame the nice people get lumped with all the mines instead of all the cool urban cities and wonderful seaside but in a way, I'd rather be in rainy Leeds than stabby London.
As for me, I am filled with gorgeous gems and diamonds so have sunk to the bottom of the pile down by London, which is unlucky for me. But using my extreme strength I have climbed higher and higher to the top of England where I can be among the nice people.
Having said that, I still meet the ones who are snagged, like the bus driver who wouldn't for some reason follow his route. I asked him if he was going past Hyde Park Inn and he said no, and I said well on the timetable it says you are. He told me (extremely rudely) he'd said no because he meant no, so I bought the ticket and suggested someone have another look at the timetable then because it's very wrong. And then sat down, and on the other end thanked him for his wonderful service. This is a perfect example of someone who is snagged in the wrong niceness zone.
Anyway, what can we learn from this?
1) Don't go to Liverpool
2) If you are nice, try and climb northwards.
3) If you are nasty, go down to the horrible south.
4) I'd hate to go to France.

Blog 90: 10

2010-09-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

YES. It's the 90th blog. And that means a sexy sexy countdown to the 100th episode. I feel I want to do something special, and so I will start my super music-style chart of the top 10 most annoying things that happen, (although obviously excluding things I've already mentioned in previous blog posts.) And then at the end of each I'll include directions to one of my 10 faves in my blog archive so we can relive the magic.

So, the 10th most annoying thing for me at this moment has GOT to be the film Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. NOW people might judge and say "you didn't watch it all, so you can't judge." WELL I CAN JUDGE, BECAUSE IT IS OBJECTIVELY AWFUL. Nobody in their right mind would want to watch people dribbling as they kiss, or girls feebly trying to re-enact Mighty Boosh or Inbetweener style moments in a desperate attempt to try and be funny. Seems to me there are too many scriptwriters around thinking they're really funny but they aren't, so here are my top tips to being funny for any comedy scriptwriters out there!

1) If you're not funny, don't write a script.

2) If you're funny but write a script and read it and it's not that funny, don't publish it, ever.

3) If you do the above several times, give up on your job and work in something you're good at.

These rules, although written for scriptwriters, can apply for other jobs too, in this way.

For example, some advice for doctors.

1) If you aren't a qualified doctor, don't do heart surgery.

2) If you are a doctor, and you do heart surgery and it goes wrong, don't show it off as if you're proud.

3) If you do the above several times, then maybe don't do heart surgeries anymore.

Other examples include:

1) If you aren't the Prime Minister, don't make deals with the USA on behalf of Great Britain.

2) If you aren't a woman, don't have a period.

3) If you are an extinct species, don't come back (that means you, dinosaurs)

So in conclusion, DON'T WRITE FUDGING RUBBISH SCRIPTS. If I have to watch another awful film like Angus, Thongs and Perfect Sh*t again then I will scream and run all over your driveways with tennis racket shoes made from your own skin.

AND my special recommendation of my archives would have to be good ol' Blog 12, the very beginning of the story when I was stalked on an international scale. Definitely worth checking out, even if it's me saying it.

Stand by for number 91 and the 9th most annoying thing. I don't know when it'll come because I haven't got any specific ideas of what I could write about yet...

Blog 89: A small diversion...

2010-09-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

THIS ISN'T REALLY what my blog is meant to be about BUT just so you all know I have a new website! It's mainly for my illustrations and doodles...well actually it's ENTIRELY for them. BUT you can check it out now by going to the link below:

http://www.wix.com/mike_is_a_hero/smash_rockets

Blog 88: Airport A***holes

2010-08-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Picture this:

As my long term followers know, I got stuck in Thailand for 10 days. Well last night my plane from italy was delayed by about half an hour, 45 minutes. So no big panic right?

WELL one fat lady seemed to think so. As we piled onto the bus to take us from departures to the plane, she went "WELL we're NEVER gonna get on this bus are we?!" as if the bus was packed full. It wasn't, there was actually quite a bit of room, even enough for her, and so already she was going mental and we hadn't even started yet.

She then said excuse me to me, and I didn't hear because of my music, I KNOW I'M SUCH A TEENAGER. And so my sister nudged me and I realised she was trying to get on so i shuffled out of her way as best as I could, but there wasn't much room to move around lots because the old man near me just sat there staring into oblivion. But I did my best.

Then she got all angry and sarcastically said "Well maybe not then" and i just said "alright" 'cos she was well flipping off the handle for no reason. She went even more mental and said "EXCUSE ME?!" and I looked at her like I didn't have a clue what her problem was, although I suspected it was because she was so fat that her arteries were all cloggy, and said "what?".

She left me alone after that, and me and my sister tried not to laugh as she kept saying things to herself that were far too dramatic like, "We'll probably be stuck in a hotel all night" AS THE BUS WAS DRIVING TO THE PLANE?! We're going to the plane RIGHT NOW so we can fly TONIGHT and not be in a hotel you silly cow.

Then an italian woman started complaining that they let the kids go through the boarding pass bit first but then had to wait around and couldn't go to the plane, and this annoyed me. Did she want them to fly her home without waiting for anyone else? Your kids would be waiting on the plane for as long as they waited on the bus or in the airport, it's not easyjet's fault you brought your kids up all wrong, now SHUT THEM UP.

Then fatty piped up again as people pushed towards the doors to try and get the front seat. "I don't know why everyone's panicking, everyone's gonna get on the plane"

YOU WENT MENTAL. SHUT. UP. NOW.

What was funny was that all the "speedy boarders" who paid an extra £10 were on the same bus as us, as they usually are, but they were at the back. BUT they were all old so I just ran on the plane and was the first on and had the pick of all the seats, which was scrummy. And fatty was stuck near a toilet, struggling to fit into her seat.

Blog 87: Sexy Somethings

2010-08-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

According to the deodorant advert which butchers the Cure song Close to Me, "77% of women feel sexier when their underarms look good."
But what they don't mention are these following facts, which are also ALL TRUE.

67% of women feel sexier when they aren't made from clay.

89% of women feel less sexy when covered in mud or sewage.

43% of women breathe on a frequent basis, often several times a day.

75% of women watch television at least once during their lifetime. This doesn't apply to women who lived prior to the invention of the television.

67% of straight men prefer women to men when looking for a life partner. Similarly, 68% of homosexual men prefer men to women when looking for a partner.

54% of chocolate bars contain actual chocolate.

88% of carpet manufacturers make carpets.

Perhaps what isn't surprising is these above facts but the fact that TWENTY THREE PER CENT OF WOMEN FEEL EITHER SEXIER OR THE SAME AMOUNT OF SEXINESS WITH UGLY ARMPITS. Which makes no sense.

I'm not saying if you have ugly arm pits then you're unbearably hideous, but if someone had ugly armpits and then they became nice armpits, just like it would be with every other part of the human body, they would feel a teeny bit sexier. Guess what? 100% men feel sexier when they have nice arm pits too.

That's science.

Blog 86: Truly Tragic

2010-08-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

Imagine a place where there is no internet; no reception. Buildings are no higher than 2 stories, if that, and they certainly don't fully protect the inhabitants from the cruel weather outside. Imagine having to cook using whatever heat is left from the bath the other 10 people had earlier. Imagine living in the cold and damp, perhaps in a cottage, but more likely, in a tent. Imagine having to live somewhere where there are few toilets, perhaps just one toilet, and imagine it breaking and having to go Boom Boom in a field, in the rain, with the sheep.

Worst of all, imagine a place like this existing in the 21st Century.

Well, believe it or not, there IS a place like this. And it's only like 5 hours up the M6.

We call it the Lake District, but perhaps a more accurate name is HELL.

Yes. I had no reception. I had no internet (FOR TWO WEEKS). I was in a cottage for one week and a tent the next. (Do you know what's worse than living in a tent? NOTHING.) There were 10 others, not much hot water (or any water that didn't have sheep's wee in) and it took ages to cook. The toilet was BROKE and I did have to attempt in a field, in the rain, with the sheep, and I gave up and then me and three friends arranged a trip to the river and to share the flush.

Which worked, before you judge.

So yeah, pretty hellish. Then add to that the fact your getting about 5 hours sleep a night, and it's in a TENT so it's not even good sleep...not exactly a trip to Greece.

There was one beautiful plus, and that's the new craze some of us are starting, and I'll name them here, those glorious pioneers: Mark, Tim, Eric, Simon, Trev and myself. We were the pioneers of the new golden age of Lake District Film Music Driving Craze. But you can join in too.

Go to the Lake District.

Go driving through it.

Play classic film music full blast as you go.

Of course, this works best if you have John Williams music, but we found James Bond, Mission Impossible and Gladiator work incredibly well. We also suspect that Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings and Braveheart will work very well also.

A truly epic way to spend an otherwise tragic and grim fortnight.

Blog 85: Lazy News

2010-07-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

I nearly laughed out loud at my work experience today when I saw a picture on the BBC news website (other websites are also available.) There's a picture of Nick Robinson, nobody particularly famous when you hear the name but if you're british then you'll know his face. He's the news reporter with a lazy eye.

CALM DOWN, I'm not laughing at the wannabe disabled (honestly, that's a joke, I promise) BUT what I found funny was that the picture was a cartoon of him, but the cartoon still has the lazy eye! I thought it was WELL hillarious.

Here's the pic:

Blog 84: Stalker Surprise

2010-07-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

I've just realised something. Basically like 50% of my blog posts (ok, that's a massive hyperbole) are about stalkers creeping me out. I've been moaning about them all this time so much that I didn't stop to think of all the advantages. Well. The advantage. Because I love it when I get new followers to my blog, which happens never, by the way, and I'd love it even more if I thought people might READ this! But of course that doesn't happen much. However, if i'd told them stalkers about this blog then I'd have at least 2 REALLY keen followers! And that's pretty good I guess... then again the funny posts about stalkers wouldn't be up here 'cos that'd be rude.

It's a no win situation. But if you do read this (which you won't) then why not tell at least one other person about the "magic". By the time they find out that it's rubbish it'll be too late 'cos they'd have already visited, and it's not SO bad that they'd go to the extent of deleting it from their history...is it?

Blog 83: David CaMoron

2010-07-02T00:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I went for a tasty dinner with some familial characters and we went for a fairly posh italian at one of these chain stores that make ok italian food and sell it for far too much. I won't name it.

Actually, I will, it's Prezzo's and it's far too expensive and nothing special, and their portions of calamari are like, 5 li'l squids and that's about it... Their slogan should be "5 squid for 5 quid!"

The bit I wanted to moan about was how their was a baby doing a massive poo and wee all over the lawn, with the parents cleaning it, RIGHT ON THE FRONT LAWN OF THE RESTAURANT! Where people were eating!? And there was just a dirty baby with their family waving wads of pooey wipes everywhere and a load of wee shooting all over the lawn with people trying to eat? I mean, WHAT THE HELL?! I don't even know what to say, it's just so horrifically annoying that these people are arrogant enough to think "Oh my baby's really cute I'll just let it shit all over the place and everyone will keep chewing down spaghetti like it's normal."

David Cameron's only been in power a few weeks and already there's babies shitting all over the place.

On the plus side, I'm watching "Timmy Time" on Ceebeebies, which is a spin off of Wallace and Gromit with like a mini-baby version of Shaun the Sheep, and apart from the owls having pies for faces, it's the most heart warming cartoon I've ever seen. They all hold hands at the beginning and go for a walk in the park with a pelican teacher! And jump a lot! Now if only I could go for a poo all over the Ritz' lobby carpet it'd be like I was young again...

Blog 82: Designy-Whiney

2010-07-01T03:04:00.001-07:00

I used to have a blog for my design work with blogger, but I then found that Tumblr was easier for design blogs, and so have since moved to another blog place for my art. BUT don't panic, because I'll still be here.

HOWEVER, definately check out my Tumblr page, the address is:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/

Keep an eye out for some special designs coming soon, the first which will probably be up today. To practice using Adobe InDesign, I've started taking some "classic" blogs, or my particular favourites, and putting them in swanky designs, and so soon you will be able to see all your favourite blogs, but GROOVED UP! Exciting, isn't it?

The first up will be "Foreign Safety Standards", keep an eye on my Tumblr for it any time soon

Blog 81: Big Daddy

2010-06-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

I was on the train to London yesterday and was doing some people watching, as you do when bored, and I was keenly watching this horribly fat man because he annoyed me. And he annoyed me not because his hair cut was really stupid, nor because he had the shortest shorts on despite his big pale flabby legs.

No, what REALLY annoyed me was that he was a father of two children, who were sat, relatively well behaved in fairness, but nonetheless BORED out of their MINDS. Now, it's bad enough the dad didn't entertain them, but understandable because he might be fed up, but when the fatty isn't paying attention to his kids because he's too engrossed in his own little Nintendo DS, that's ridiculous. His children are all sitting there bored, staring out the window dreaming of fun, and he's sat there having a whale of a time on his little Gameboy thing going mental.

It really annoyed me.

Blog 80: Shocking

2010-06-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well there's another rubbish performance by the England game. Maybe now people will realise that you need more to win a football match than just one pretty decent striker (Wayne Rooney has gone about 10 hours in footy now without scoring, by the way) and also you need more than it happening to be Fabio's birthday.

Some awful interviews were going on all over the tele today. One woman asked Fabio if he'd ever heard the song "When I'm 64". He hadn't. She quoted the bit about a bottle of wine and handed him one, he was chuffed, except he doesn't drink wine (nice one). OH and just because the Beatles were English, doesn't mean we'll win football.

England can't seem to score goals, except Robert Green, but of course, that was the wrong goal.

Moreover, Emile Heskey is awful. The finest moment of England's World Cup 2010 was when he was substituted off.

I find it ironic that today marks the 70th anniversary of Winston Churchill's speech to Parliament in 1940 in which he said:

"Here is where we come to the Navy--and after all, we have a Navy. Some people seem to forget that we have a Navy. We must remind them..."

A rather more fitting quote, however, might be perhaps this:

"We shall fight them on the beaches"

We will fight them on the beaches. Our beaches. Because England are coming home.

Blog 79: Charity Work

2010-06-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

This is a blog which I hope will relate to people who also wish their lives was more like a Hollywood Rom-Com.

Recently, I've been helping my grandparents move house, and whilst taking books to the charity shop, I noticed that bizarrely, not all the workers in the charity shop were middle aged to elderly women, but in fact ONE of them was amazing and gorgeous and beautiful and young.

BUT of course, we live in the real world. I'm not Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I can't merely wink or smirk and wait for her to fall in love with me straight away, and I certainly can't somehow spill acid in her eyes and then assure her I'm massively sexy. These things don't work.

So basically there's nothing I can do. She will forever be just a girl in a charity shop who I saw once and then never saw again, escaping into the mists of time and just another person I saw once. Like everyone else.

People say "OH just go in and strike conversation". WELL I'M NOT JAMES FREAKING BOND.

"Just be yourself!" WELL THAT WON'T WORK, it never does. "Volunteer at the Charity Shop" ...this was my idea, actually, but even so, I'm not a stalker...yet...

Maybe I'll leave a link to this blog on her desk and hope she realises how funny I am, and maybe how single I am because of the 79 Blog Posts I've done when I could've been snogging.

Blog 78: World Cup!

2010-06-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

FINE.

I give up on that silly horror film thing, because, let's face it, I'm not gonna be watching Silence of the Lambs any time soon. Who's fault is it? DAWN OF THE DEAD. It ruined horror films for me, forever. So this is the official end to that ridiculous mess of an idea.

BUT it is also the beginning of the WORLD CUP! South Africa and Mexico have already drawn 1-1, Germany plays their first match today, and good ol' England have drawn with the USA.

Bit of a disappointment, because, well, until last World Cup I wasn't even aware that the USA had like a football team, let alone one that's of World Cup standard, and then England goes and draws, after a good goal, because one SHTUPID goalie can't keep his hands on a ball.

I do feel sorry for Mr Green though, because it was his first world cup, first game, masses of pressure etc etc HEY WAITAMINUTE if he couldn't cope with it he wouldn't have been taken. There's plenty of goalies in England who could've gone all the way to South Africa to make that mistake. Heck, even I could have gone to South Africa and made that mistake. So no sympathy for Mr Green. He looked like he wanted to cry, and he deserves to cry, and weep, into pot noodle after pot noodle until he ends up lying on his back, all fat, in a shack in the Black Forest, food dribbling out of the corner of his mouth and sobbing so violently that his man boobs quiver, like jelly. This quivering will remind him of jelly, and in turn make him hungry for jelly. Then he'll eat jelly and get fatter, making him feel more sorry for himself and sob more, and so it will go, in a vicious circle, until one day, he'll break his shack and roll down a hill in a comical fashion.

I want David Seaman back, even though his surname is funny.

Blog 77: Boredom Boredom

2010-06-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

This is a list of things to do when you're bored, which I have created after re-thinking through my activities of the day:

1) Mess around with a screwdriver and drill

2) Watch a bit of Peep Show

3) Cook lunch

4) Spend about 3 hours teaching yourself to play Bat Out Of Hell on the piano

5) Watch Jeremy Kyle, and then watch Trisha

6) Discuss, or just think about, how Jeremy Kyle is much better than Trisha, as she never seems to sort anything out but just seems to say whatever the guests say, but adding a question mark each time to sound surprised and shocked at what they have to say (Guest: "YOU STOLE MONEY OFF ME!" Trisha: "You stole MONEY OFF HER?!" Guest: "You woz in tha pub when I was givin birfff" Trisha: You were in the PUB when she was GIVING BIRTH?!" Guest: Hello Trisha Trisha: HELLO?! TRISHA?! SORT IT OUT.)

7) Listen to old podcasts of Russell Brand and remember the good days when people who didn't listen to the show didn't pretend to be offended by something they think happened on it which actually didn't and was basically Jonathan Ross' fault

8) Sleep more.

9) If ill, watch either one of the Bill & Ted films. Or both.

10) Eat more.

This is a list of things I do when I'm at home and bored.

Blog 76: Good Guess

2010-06-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

So at least I'm not paranoid. The Second Saga of a Stalker is here, with updates with my new friend Iqbal.

Already I'm puzzled why he wants to know if I have child, I dunno where I got the idea that I ight have a child from, but then I told him I know nobody called Iqbal.

He then asked "Why? In there no name Iqbal"

I don't know what that means, but I guessed and replied "Well no, it's just I know nobody called Iqbal and so it's really confusing when an Iqbal starts talking to me, why are you messaging me?"

To which he replied "Only just enough to wish know".

Now what the fudge is that supposed to mean. Is it meant to sound sexy and mysterious? 'Cos it just sounds like Yoda tried and failed to teach you English. It sounds like John Prescott.

I said "um What?" which I think is an average reaction, and he replied "No... (which doesn't answer any question) your name michael? (well, yeah, that's why my name is michael on facebook) you have boyfriend?"

Now this made me worried. I think either someone's messing me around here (probably, not even gays like me) BUT if it ISN'T and this guy is genuinely having a go, then what the fudge? Why does he think I might be gay, and why would he message me on the off chance that I'm a massive gayer who is really desperate (which actually, apart from the gay bit, is nearly true)...

I have nothing against gay people at all, but I'm not one, so I dunno why he thought I might be worth asking. Which worries me, 'cos maybe that's why I get no girl attention if they all think I'm not interested...

Anyway, I told him that I have a million boyfriends, sorry, but I'm unavailable.

Hopefully he'll leave me alone, but of course, he probably won't, because he wouldn't be a very good weirdo if he did that.

Blog 75: Second Saga

2010-06-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

This is a brief breakage in the barrage of horror reviews which nobody reads and even less people find funny. BUT DON'T WORRY. As soon as I can be bothered to watch Silence of the Lambs then I'll do the review.

Anyhoo, any long term readers, so about 0 people, may remember the Saga of a Stalker, the time when an italian random kept pestering me.

Thankfully, I never ever heard from her again.

HOWEVER, whether it's made me paranoid, or I am right, a similar situation seems to be kicking off.

I got a facebook message today from someone I don't know called "Loenz Aloene". His pic seems to be a black haired kid with his face down (I say his, it could be a her, I have no freaking idea. Not with the name "Loenz".

I asked in reply who they were. They said "My name is Iqbal. You have child?"

I'm not even gonna start pointing out how weird this question is to someone you never met. I told Iqbal no, and that I don't know anyone called Iqbal. I didn't wanna be rude, but I was hoping Iqbal would take this to mean "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND NEVER TALK TO OR OF ME AGAIN".

If he didn't take this hint, but is reading this then I say this to Iqbal.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND NEVER TALK TO OR OF ME AGAIN.

Blog 74: Shocking Revelations

2010-05-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

SOMEBODY ACTUALLY READS THIS BLOG!!!!!

So there is one person in the entire globe who still likes to read my blog :)

However, they also like to criticise by saying my recent horror film reviews aren't funny.

WELL.

I have something to say about that.

SEX AND THE CITY ISN'T FUNNY.

And don't worry, I'm planning PLENTY more horror film reviews. Mwa ha ha.

And yes I did go back to all the previous blogs and try and edit them a tiny bit to make them more bearable.

(Please don't stop reading if you're a Sex and the City fan)

Blog 73: Dawn of the RUBBISH

2010-05-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't finished watching Dawn of the Dead as I'm writing this, because it's 5 am and I'm tired so I can't be bothered.

The characters are horribly annoying. They smash windows, and perform bizarre stunts with lorries and trollies for no reason whilst making wooping noises. The woman does nothing except sit and moan, because all of a sudden she's randomly pregnant, which is just out of nowhere. I dunno why they can't all just sit in the room though.

Fave bit was when a SWAT team guy tells another man not to ever aim his gun at anyone, "mister." Which is funny because he's aiming his gun at him as he says it, and is in a SWAT team where he frequently aims guns at others. It's even funnier because he shot some children zombies like, 2 minutes before.

Made me jump once, 3 for monsters, 3 for filming, 6 for story, 3 for acting and 8 for Gorillaz music. Overall, 24. Meaning that it's second worst so far. It was enjoyable though...

Next up, the Silence of the Lambs...

Blog 72: Alien Maths

2010-05-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

This is basically the most embarrasing blog post ever.

The keen readers amongst you will have noticed that perhaps my maths hasn't been up to scratch in my recent posts. In fact, it occasionally went INSANE.

For example, 2+4+7+9+9+7=38, not 47. And so Carrie didn't score 47...

And therefore the WHOLE SCHEME of things has been reshuffled.

Here's the leader board, revised for inaccuracies, as it stands now...

Psycho: 47

The Ring: 39

Alien: 38

Carrie: 38

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 37

Scream: 36

Friday the 13th: 31

The Thing: 26

It: 19

Also, another mistake. I said the next review would be on Dawn of the Dead but I found Aliens cheap in CEX so I got that and watched that instead.

Aliens is as good, if not better, than Alien. That pretty much sums it up. I really enjoyed it.

It scored 3 jumpy times, 8 for the monster (the queen alien comes and the little face eater things start running round more) 7 for filming, 9 for story, 10 for acting, 8 for sounds, giving aliens a score of 45, coming second after Psycho.

Next is PROBABLY Dawn of the Dead.

Blog 71: Thingamajig

2010-05-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna waste more of my life reviewing the Thing, because I just wasted loads watching it.

Let's just say, I said I was expecting the worst, and I was LET DOWN. So goodness knows what's going on with this film.

Overall, made me jump sort of twice, so just once, 5/10 for the monster, 6/10 for the story, 5/10 for acting and 5/10 for music and sounds. But a total of 26 is misleading. Don't bother watching it.

Next up, I'm going to watch Old School with Will Ferrell. But the next review will be on Dawn of the Dead. Good ol' Zombie movies.

Blog 70: Psych-o Mike-o

2010-05-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

This is the review of Psycho, but not the original Hitchcock version, but the 1998 remake with Vince Vaughn in. Not that anyone reads this and/or cares.

This film was amazing, and I definately recommend watching it. Basically, that's all I have to say.

There was the odd couple of flaws, such as when the Sheriff of police comments "If the woman up there was Mrs Bates, then who's out buried in the cemetary?"

IT'S YOUR JOB TO FIND OUT YOU MENTALIST.

Other than that, Viggo Mortensen's acting wasn't anything special, but then I guess it never is, and the hot-ish woman who's in the Lost World made up for it. Vince Vaughn did an amazing job playing Norman Bates, and I wouldn't have thought he'd be able to act as well as he did, because, let's face it, he's pretty naff in everything else.

Overall, it made me jump 3 times, has a 7/10 "monster", 8/10 for filming, 9/10 for the story, 10/10 for acting and 10/10 for the music, which not only means the classic theme tune, but also for the sound effects: the part when hotty discovers the dead mother in the basement has the sound of singing birds, which somehow is made scary. That leaves Psycho with a deserved score of 47, which makes it joint first with Carrie.

Next up, and the film I'll be watching whilst I chow down on some late supper, will be The Thing, a slightly less known horror film. I'm expecting the worst...

Blog 69: Ring Ring

2010-05-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Ring is meant to be this OH SO SCARY FILM that terrifies even the boldest of men.

Well it wasn't.

I do like Naomi Watts though, she's oddly attractive...

That's literally all I have to say.

Overall it made me jump 3 times, the monster scored 5, filming scored 7, the story and acting both scored 9 and the music scored 6, giving the Ring a total score of 39. Which puts it at 3rd place.

Still preferred Alien though...

Next time, we're going MEGA classic with PSYCHO...

Blog 68: Jason's Mum Hasn't Got It Going On

2010-05-18T18:04:00.001-07:00

This is a review of Friday the 13th, a film famous for it's hockey mask wearing character Jason, who isn't even in the film. So I dunno why he's famous because of it.

Instead, we got a middle aged woman who sometimes puts on a "child's" voice. For any budding directors out there, you can learn something from this film. If you want a middle aged woman character to sometimes pretend to be her dead son, get someone who can act! Because if they can't even play a middle aged woman, which they ARE, then how can they play a dead son?

My fave part was after hitting Jason's mum with a frying pan, the main character checks for blood, and then goes to sit by the lake, and of course, Jason's mum isn't dead yet. So they have a brief fight and then the main girl lops of Jason's mum's head. Why she didn't do that when Jason's mum was apparently unconscious defeats my lower life excuse for a brain. But that's what she does.

However, I will say this. When it all seemed over, the film managed to get one more scare out of me when a funny mangled boy attacks the girl in the kayak.

Overall, Friday 13th scored 1 for the monster (a granny in a blue cardigan doesn't scare me too much to be honest), 5 for filming, 5 for a story line, 5 for acting, 7 for the music, even though it sounded a lot like Jaws at times. The film however did manage to scare me 7 TIMES which is the most any film has made me jump. So the overall score was 31. Looks like Carrie is still in the lead...

Next up is a slightly more modern classic: THE RING.

Blog 67: Carrie on Telekenising

2010-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

This review is on Carrie, based on a novel by Stephen King.

First things first, it was WAY better than IT. But then, what isn't?

However, it was very clever in that the "monster" who you would assume is Carrie, who has telekinetic powers, is actually the victim, and the "monsters" are the people around her. Her bullying school mates or her possessive and overly strict mother mean that Carrie eventually snaps and lets loose her powers which then burns down the school and leads to her killing her own mother. It is an interesting statement on perhaps how society itself is what creates monsters.

However, all of this cleverness is definately let down by too much period blood. And any amount of period blood is too much period blood. It's just weird. Especially when the girl is screaming.

Fave part of the film was when Carrie pulls her mother's arm (which is knifed into the wall) away and it makes a popping noise, like a cork.

Scores on the doors are made me jump twice, 4/10 for monster, 7 for filming, 9 for the story, 9 for the acting, and 7 for the music, giving Scream the boot to number 2 as Carrie takes first place with 47!

NEXT UP: Friday the 13th ...

Mwa ha ha haaaaaaaa.

Blog 66: Creamy Screamy

2010-05-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is a review of the movie Scream.

Scream was far better than I expected it! I thought it would just be a slasher movie, and it was! But there was some story to it which was a pleasant surprise. The scariest part was easily when I realised Drew Barrymore was in it, but thankfully she was offed pretty early on.

However, there was one flaw with the storyline. It's explained why the killer killed the main character's mum and why he wants to kill her and her dad, (I won't give it away :P) but it never seems to explain why he picks on and kills Drew Barrymore at the beginning. Of course, anyone who can read between the lines will realise that the killer just doesn't like Drew Barrymore, which I think is fair enough.

I have no idea why the killer in the Scream mask can't be on screen for over a minute without running into a fridge or door or tripping or slipping though. He's actually a pretty rubbish killer, and it's beyond me why none of the victims can't just pick his knife up on any of the thousands of occasions he falls over and just kill the killer...

My favourite part was when the main character's boyfriend turns up at the door where the party is, and jumps into the doorway yelling AAAA! for no reason. He's not even trying to play a joke. But that moment was just a massive joke.

Scream's scores are made me jump twice, 7 for the monster, 6 for filming, 9 for story, 7 for acting and 5 for music, giving it 45 overall. A new leader on the leader board! Next up is Stephen King's Carrie. Let's hope it doesn't drag on like IT did.

Blog 65: Chainsaw Massacre

2010-05-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Texas Chainsaw Massacre was pretty good, but also pretty mental and funny.

The story was a little bit confusing at times. How Leatherface gets an afro at the end defies me, unless he's meant to have cut the wheelchair guys hair off and worn it, but when he does a dance at the end with the chainsaw and he's wearing that afro, it looks like Michael Jackson Junior but gone massively wrong. Dialogue in the film was pretty awful, but thankfully there was no dialogue in the second half of the movie, just a lot of screaming and chainsaw noises, which I guess doesn't make up for rubbish dialogue...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me jump twice, has 6/1o for Leatherface, 7/10 for the storyline, 6/10 for the acting (which is all thanks to the woman who survives, because the other actors sucked) 8/10 for music, giving it a score of 35.

Next time will be a review of SCREAM.

Blog 64: New Series

2010-05-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

After the success of the Trevor Diaries, which nobody read, I thought I'd do a new series of horror movie reviews. After watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street recently I've had a craving to watch as many "classic" horror films as I can. And I thought I'd do some reviews, just to try my hand at reviewing.

At the each of the reviews I'm going to give the films a score based on 6 categories: the amount of times it made me jump, how scary the monster is, how good the story is, how good the filming is, how good the acting is and how good the music is.

For example, for the film Alien, it made me jump 5 times, 7/10 for the monster, 6/10 for filming, 7/10 for the story, 8/10 for the acting and 5/10 for the music, giving it a total of 38.

So what follows is the first of those reviews, a review of the film IT, based on the novel by Stephen King.

IT is the story of some children who have to fight and kill something, known as "It" which has been picking off neighborhood kids around their area. However, it is set when the children are grown up, and after another child dies in mysterious circumstances, one of the ex-kids rings the others and tells them to come meet him, and they all act quite shocked as they remember the events from before, which is given to us in small tasty doses as flashbacks. The confusing bit is that there's a random clown running around, which somehow becomes a massive spider with a glowing six pack. And how on earth you forget a clown running around killing everyone until someone rings you in the future is beyond me.

The story line was a little weak to be honest. I feel stupid for criticizing Stephen King's story, but just firing silver on the off chance that it'll work the same as on a werewolf is a MASSIVELY rubbish idea, and when it WORKS you begin to wonder about originality of the story. Also, they use a standard slingshot to fire the silver into the clown's head, which seems weird cos his head comes all open and light comes through, which is just not right.

Then again, if it didn't work, then there'd have been 7 dead kids about halfway through the movie.

OH WAIT, that would have been good, because maybe THEN it wouldn't have dragged on for another TWO HOURS whilst watching people eat at a restaurant.

I'm still wondering now how on earth the asthmatic kid gets battery acid in a little squirter both times they face the monster.

My fave bit was when the children are discussing the disappearances and the spookiness that seems to be going down. One boy suggests perhaps the clown is a crazy man who likes dressing as a clown and killing people. The leader child, (who annoys me immensely, because he's on never ending story as well) instantly shouts down that poor child (who had a pretty reasonable suggestion) with "NO IT'S DEFINATELY A MONSTER". Fair enough.

Stephen King's IT gets 0 for making me jump, 4 for the monster, 5 for filming, 3 for the story, 1 for the acting (it was terrible) 6 for the music which was quite creepy and that gives it a total of 19.

Next time is a review of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE :O watch this space.

Blog 63: Enemies List

2010-05-17T15:30:00.001-07:00

Here is a list of my enemies and why I don't like them, as it stands at the moment. (They are not neccessarily in order)

1) Macaulay Culkin, because I am in love with the actress Mila Kunis and she is with him and it makes me very very jealous.

2) Dr Phil, because he wrote this about me, via a facebook quiz:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

3) The Queen, because I don't know what she's for.

4) David Cameron, because he annoys me loads.

5) Syrian Umayyads and Christian Kings because I had to revise about them and it's really dull.

6) Morrissey because I think he is massively overrated.

7) Anyone who only likes Twilight because of Robert Pattinson or the other guy, but won't admit it and claim that it's an actual good film.

8) People who think that Hugh Jackman makes a really good Wolverine, when he only makes an Ok Wolverine.

9) People who like Batman Begins more than Spiderman

10) Anyone who finds Anchorman anything other than hilarious.

11) Anyone who thinks Luke Wilson is funny.

As it stands, that is it. However, I will keep updating this in future posts if anything changes.

Blog 62: Thai Massage?

2010-05-09T04:05:00.001-07:00

I've finally recovered from my exhaustive trip to Thailand enough to complain about it.

And no, I don't want a massage.

Arriving in Bangkok was relatively exciting, but then I get relatively excited arriving in WHSmith shops. We drove to the hotel, and the biggest plus of our stay in Bangkok was probably seeing our hotel room, because it was pretty nice, and there was a pool, a bar, two restaurants, and the staff looked after us really well. BUT that evening we got all dressed for the cool evening weather, went outside, realised it wasn't cool but really really warm, and then went to find a market we'd all heard about being fabutastic. When we arrived at this market, it was sort of fabutastic, in that both that word and the market don't exist after 8pm. So we went home again, but only after wandering the streets (which smell odd there) for an hour trying to find somewhere to eat. In the end we settled on the restaurant inside our hotel.

The next couple of days were spent darting into and out of an air conditioned mini bus at various temples, markets, Buddha statues, etc etc. They were all relatively ok, but the main thing everyone, or at least I, was thinking about was how stupidly hot it was and how on earth am I gonna be able to live in Thailand's heat for 2 weeks...

After three days in Bangkok we were pretty much fed up. So we went to Chang Mai, however it's spelt, and spent some days there, (this was my favourite place in Thailand) and then to Phuket, which was pretty good. Then we were all ready to go. We'd had enough of the horrific heat, and the people shouting "MASSAAAAGE?" or telling us that we were really good friends, do we want a suit/dvd/hat/necklace/to eat in their restaurant, or calling us babes and not remotely looking like anything but a prostitute. The amount of people I saw trying to sell taylor made suits shocked me, I wondered how many people could possible go on a beach holiday to Phuket and rather than going to the beach or on trips to Islands or to see monkeys or to do water sports, they just go to buy a tailor made suit. It seemed a bit stupid.

And so, fed up, we returned to Bangkok airport, slightly worried because of the volcanic ash, but we thought, it'll be more or less ok, we'll just fly to Europe and then train it back.

No.

We weren't going anywhere. And we didn't know it then, but we weren't going anywhere for about 10 days. And we had to just wait on standby for all of those 10 days as it turned out, at any moment prepared to leg it to the airport and come home.

So we had 10 more days to spend in Bangkok. I nearly cried.

We did everything worthwhile doing in the first 3 of those days. We thought we don't know when we're going back, but let's makes the most of it. So we did a crocodile farm and shopping at some massive centres or trendy markets. And they were all quite fun. But then we had the rest of the 7 days, although for all we knew it could've been 1, 2, 3, 4 5, 6, 7 or more days. We knew one of my friends in Miami had been told they won't be flying back until over a month later. And so we just had to wait. And re-visit markets and shopping centres.

Oh, and try and avoid the city centre, which was 10 minutes away and had grenades going off and people firing assault rifles.

Blog 61: F*CKING VOLCANO

2010-04-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

F*CKIN VOLCANO

Blog 60: Return of the Trevor Diaries

2010-03-31T02:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back for the Easter holidays and seeing as Trevor is around too, I thought I'd do another entry into the Trevor Diary.

Entry 15

Trevor is saying about how he's not going to do a test because he wants to see his girlfriend for a dance. I don't know who his girlfriend is. He says he payed lots of his pocket money on the dance so he doesn't want to miss it for an exam. We told him that it's important to take exams and pass them or otherwise you won't do very well. I think at the moment he is still planning to go though.

Trevor seems to have grown up a bit more recently, in some ways. But then he still manages to do silly things. It's almost as if he's changed while he's been away, but when he comes back, he becomes his old self again. The other day we went to Luton, and Trevor didn't buy a train ticket. When he got to the barriers at Luton, he didn't have a ticket to get through. He went all the way back to Harpenden, where there are no barriers, bought a ticket, and then came back to find us. He probably heard about a cool person at school who doesn't pay for train tickets and thought that it was the cool thing to do.

Blog 59: Blog Blog

2010-03-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

This is a blog post about another blog (WHAAAAAA?!!!!)
SO it turns out we've been asked to keep a blog for university on how we're doing with our projects, what feedback we've been having, what feedback other people have been having, etcetera etcetera, and I'm just gonna complain about how useless it is. Yet, the updating of this blog has now become another mindlessly boring aspect of my mundane life amongst watching Back to the Future 1 2 and 3 over a weekend, or playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance until kingdom come, or just to shuffle things about reading 3 Sin City's in one afternoon. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, the blog one is the most uninteresting of them all.

After one particularly special critique session at university (which overran by an HOUR) we were told that keeping a blog is a good idea. In second/third year (i forget which) we are marked on a blog and getting into the habit of keeping one is a good thing to do. So we were all recommended to go home and make a blog. And being the good little boy that I am who always does as he is told, I scurried off home and made a little blog to write things in.
And then I wondered: what is this blog actually FOR?

NOBODY cares. Literally. Nobody in the whole world will care about my poster about Franklin Gothic. And sure enough it's been nearly 4 weeks and nobody's read it. NOW, the critics will say this is because the "welcome" note at the top of the page is negative, discouraging, etcetera, but I don't think it's anything like that, I think it's purely truthful:

"ANYWAYS, so there I am, all in Leeds, getting some research stuff done on my font and starting to play about with it and its sexy g and Q letters, and then I'm told that apparently we all have to go home and start a blog about our graphics. Hence this. Now, I'm not entirely sure who is actually meant to be reading this, but I was sort of told to, and I thought, wellllllllllll WHY NOT. So here is my blog on my graphics-y stuff. If you're not bothered, then maybe just don't read this blog, ever?"

Let's be honest, nobody at all really actually cares.

Anyway, I've kept it up so far, but not to the standard I'm expected to. They recommended at the end of another long sesh that overran by, yes, another HOUR, that we make feedback notes for OTHER PEOPLE'S POSTER?! So apparently, when James is told that he has to make the Y bigger on his poster and get rid of all that red on the left, I'm supposed to jot this down keenly in my notes and then go home and make my Y bigger and get rid of all the red on the left. OH WAIT. I DON'T HAVE A Y OR ANY RED ON THE LEFT!

AND, this is really just a digression based purely on anger, WHY ON EARTH DO WE OVERRUN BY AN HOUR?
Fair enough, 5/10 minutes. On a bad day it might extend to 15, if they're really pushing it. But NOTHING overruns by a whole HOUR. And especially not TWICE! If you make a mistake one time and it overruns by a whole hour then don't try and do the same approach to your critique sessions again, because it will just overrun by a whole hour, again. Maybe next time it overruns, you might like to try jotting down where you went home. Hey, why not keep a whole freaking blog on it?

BUT i guess i can shamelessly plug my blog anyway. If you really wanna know what makes my Uni tutors tick, then why not go to http://pasqualedesigns.blogspot.com/

and have a nice old look at everything on it. I'm sure it will make you want to weep/die in a bucket.

Blog 58: Baby Showers

2010-02-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

My friends found a site recently where you can make babies with pictures of yourself and celebrities. I decided to go on just to prove once and for all that ed cullen is better than jacob. Here are the results. The first is mine and edward's, a gorgeous baby, reminiscent of an angel from heaven. The second is mine and jacob's. Lets just say I didn't like it as much. So I did an abortion, even though technically, it was a bit too late for one.

ANYHOO as I became more and more captivated with this gadget I decided to go on a quest to find which celebrity could provide me with the most attractive baby. This post is mainly pictures of all my gorgeous and fictitious children.

Me and Jacko:

Me and the chinese one off Charlie's Angels...

Me and Neo:

Follow the white rabbit Neo...

Me and Batman's Batbaby:

The First Baby:

Me and Angelina Jolie's Baby:

Interesting...

Blog 57: Psychological Mindset

2010-02-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about my lifestyle recently and I'm now a bit worried about my mental health.

As I write this I am sitting on an opened up sleeping bag with a duvet and two pillows, which is where I have slept for the past two nights. However, my laptop is perched on a perfectly good mattress which has been serving as my bedside table for that time.

Every now and then I scuttle outside of my bedroom, bearing in mind I haven't washed since yesterday morning, and I haven't been outside in the fresh air since 11 o clock yesterday, and I run into the kitchen to get some food and then run back and watch South Park or Star Wars or Ghostbusters.

It reminded me of the time over Christmas when my family went to Italy leaving me alone at home, and how then I brought everything I would need or want in that week into the living room and set up base camp on my sofa.

I'm worried because that's probably not normal behavior for a human being. It's the sort of thing that lower forms of life do, the sort of animals you find towards the lower end of the food chain. I'm a creature; I establish a nest, and then leave the nest every now and then to forage for scraps which I bring back to the nest and consume there, making sure all the while that I'm not spotted by predators.

I think I should get some help...

Blog 56: New Doom

2010-02-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

This is a follow up from my blog post about Twilight, and it's a blog post about new moon.

New moon is similar to twilight, except really loads more rubbish. After having watched it last night I find myself in dire need of someone who can explain what events actually happen in the film, and why they were important enough to have a movie made out of them. As far as I can tell, the only things that happen is that Jacob takes his shirt off, and then we find out he's a wolf. Amongst all this, we find Bella going mental and throwing herself off cliffs or driving motorbikes into logs really fast, and we also see Edward "Sullen" looking moody, staring at the floor just to the left of the camera, in basically every shot that he's in. And considering he's the only sort of half decent actor in the film, he wasn't in very many shots.

We see many more orgasms from Bella, although many of them seem to be sad orgasms, which are just confusing, and also I realised that one of her eyebrows is wonky, almost as if she shaved it off and had to have it painted on. More and more evidence that Bella definately should not be allowed in films, let alone most of life.

More annoyingly is how Edward and Jacob can go around doing whatever they like. The amount of times Edward or Jacob just go into Bella's room even if she isn't there and just stand there is incredible. I wonder what Edward's doing in there when Bella stumbles in and finds him in the shadows standing in her room, just looking off to the left, morosely. Jacob runs around everywhere without a shirt like he's just stopped being the hulk, and YES he has a nice body but his face does look about 12, and that's just wierd. Not to mention, I have never ONCE used a t shirt to clean blood off someone, or even myself. I just find something called a tissue and use it to clean the blood, or maybe some water, but apparently Jacob isn't familiar with these concepts and...oh look he's got his shirt off again. However, it does make me chuckle when Bella finds him staggering around without a shirt and realises he's cut his hair and got a tattoo, and goes to talk to him. Does she not find it odd that 4 other blokes without shirts are waving at him from the woods going "oooh Jacob!" Most people's reaction to that wouldn't be "Oh he's probably a werewolf." Most people would think "Oh he's GAY."

My favourite part of the film is when the wierd guy at school tries to muscle in on Ed's girl and asks Bella to the movies. The film names sound like they've been made up by the actors on the spot. There has never been a film called anything like "Love spelled backwards is Love" and there never will be, because love spelled backwards is clearly evol. And that isn't even a real word. HOWEVER, at the cinema, I do rather wish they'd turn the camera around so I can watch all the action that's going down in the latest Face Punch movie. That sounds like a good movie. Maybe people will invest in Face Punch II: The Puncheoning instead of the next twilight movie.

Blog 55: Newfangled Hobby

2010-02-09T05:40:00.000-08:00

I've invented a new craze! Writing on envelopes! It's the new best thing to happen to everyone and anyone, EVER.

So it's your friends birthday, and you write their card, and put it in an envelope, then write their name on it and give it to them. That's all very well, but if it was YOUR birthday, wouldn't you much rather receive a glorious orgy of letters writhing on your envelope full of interesting facts, figures, quotes, definitions, short stories and images? Why have a plain envelope with just your name written on when you could have an amalgamation of all the creative forms of writing, be it fictional or non-fictional, jostling for importance upon your envelope in the hope that they might be the most impressive "proser" on your page?

So I urge all of you, my loyal 13 followers (yes, we've grown by one!) to begin writing on your envelopes and sending illustrious and magnificent messages out there to the entire globe, which awaits eagerly with the baited breath and yearning of a newly formed butterfly anticipating its triumphant expulsion from the cocoon prison which stifles it with its fascistic habits.

Blog 54: Die-light

2010-02-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone makes mistakes. Some people get carried away in the moment and next thing you know, they have a baby. Some people push someone over and accidentally cause that person to die. However, I made the mistake of all mistakes. I watched Twilight.

NOW as a film, twilight isn't that bad. There was just one thing which annoyed me about the film. And that is, that twilight is a really really bad film.

The director made some classic errors. The first mistake was agreeing to make the film. The second mistake was relying on technology used in 1970s spiderman movies to portray how good Edward is at climbing trees. The third was deciding to choose really bad actors to play characters such as Bella, and everyone else in the film.

I mean, Bella was rubbish. Other than the fact that she seems to be constantly having an orgasm somehow against her will, she is the most annoying person I have ever not-met but seen on a film. Surely someone who went to acting school knows about what emotion is, but for some reason she doesn't seem to get it. More annoyingly is how every girl's fantasy guy keeps making moves on her, and she just sits there being constantly on her period and being all moody. The best bit of the film was when she got her leg broke, and even that was ruined cos she was in it.

What was really the disease ridden cherry which was vomited back up on the 5 year old cake was when my friend's flat mates returned, they decided they wanted to watch Twilight. So yes, I watched Twilight twice in a row. I don't even do that with good films, so by the end of two twilight sessions, I literally just wanted to die.

In the emotionless, android-like, monotonous words of Bella herself (sort of), "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying instead of watching twilight seems like a good way to go."

Blog 53: Patterns and Dull-ture

2010-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

My second term at university introduced a new module called "Patterns and Culture". Bear in mind that this is a Graphic and Communication Design course when I tell you our first lecture was all about cave paintings.

I'm writing this whilst/instead of a journal I'm meant to be keeping on the lectures as they go. Each week I'm MEANT to write 450/500 words about how the material we studied in the lecture is significant, or relevant, to me. Each week I return home and furiously study the notes (for about 12 seconds) frantically searching for anything which is relevant to me.

Now it's hard enough seeing the relevance of a painting by Michelangelo to Graphic Design, but when someone tries to tell you how important cave paintings are on the world of art today, I'm sorry, but they're just wrong. I'm not denying that they're fascinating to look at, or that it's incredible how they have been preserved all this time and are still in amazing condition and can even tell us something about the culture of the cave dwellers, because they do all those things. HOWEVER, they are basically just some doodles by someone who didn't have some paper and a biro handy. Most of them are pictures of animals, and they're not particularly good ones either. There is basically nothing that a Graphic Designer could learn from them. If I wanted to draw on a wall, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out. If I wanted to draw an animal, I'd ask someone who is good at it rather than a caveman, who, by the way, is dead.

I reckon if a prehistoric neanderthal could figure out how to paint on walls, then give me enough time, I might just be able to do it on my own.

To top if off, in a crit session today, my course tutor decided it was completely ok to keep the session going for an HOUR longer than it's meant to, bringing the grand total to 4 hours, or one sixth of a day. FOUR WHOLE FREAKING HOURS.

Nice to see I'm back to my old grumpy self.

Blog 52: Fatal Attractions

2010-01-21T15:17:00.000-08:00

For some reason beyond my shallow understanding of how the universe works, there is definitely something wrong with the way I am put together and it can be seen in what happens to me on an ordinary day or night out in the beautiful city of Leeds.

One of my first big nights out on the town in Leeds was just before Halloween. Out I went with my friends, excitement was in the air... who knew what could happen that evening? You never know when a sexy model might hit on you at a bar. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Anyway, so there I was having fun, beer in my hand, when someone talks to me from behind. "Are you at uni then?"

I replied yes, turning to see a man in his fifties leaning very near to my face.

"I'm here on my son's stag" he said.

"Oh, cool, congratulations to him" I replied.

And then came the single most depressing line any man could ever hear from anyone, ever.

"You know, you could make me feel twenty years younger."

That's right. I never get hit on and when it FINALLY happens, he's too old and too penis-y.

But it gets better!

For some reason, wherever I go I manage to attract attention from the worst people in society, other than the killers and them lot, and that is the socially inept. The comic book nerds.

Now, I read comics, as I enjoy the stories, the art etc. Watchmen is my favorite book and film. HOWEVER, even though I know quite a bit about comics and the characters, I don't know the amount that most comic nerds know. And so I often find myself in awkward situations not knowing what to say to them as they talk about Invincible Iron Man issue 127 and how good the artwork was in it.

The other night I was at a bar with some friends and we were talking about the film of watchmen and I mentioned to them that I prefer the film of watchmen to the film of V for Vendetta, just as we were about to leave.

Out of nowhere came a man with long greasy tied back hair, a dirty looking beard, a metal t-shirt and a long leather jacket with big black boots: you know the type, it's the classic the-Matrix-when-they've-turned-40-and-let-themselves-go-a-bit look. And he said to me "Did you just say you prefer the film of watchmen to the graphic novel?"

"No" I said, truthfully.

And before we knew it we had entered a conversation which I didn't know much about and my friends knew even less about, in our coats, ready to leave, waiting for the opportune moment to escape the in depth comparative analysis of the characterization of Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre of the Graphic Novel and their counterparts in the film.

For some worrying reason unbeknown to me, I seem to attract these weirdos from miles apart. Why can't a pretty lady hit on me, JUST ONCE?

Blog 51: A New Craze?

2010-01-10T01:44:00.000-08:00

It's like Twitter, except this time I found it before it became massive! (with help from a friend)

IT'S FORMSPRING.ME! YES! So now you can ask me questions about myself, life, the world, the UNIVERSE...

WHO KNOWS WHAT QUESTIONS LIE OUT THERE.

I look forward to them.

Blog 50: THE BIG FIVE OH!!!

2010-01-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

CRAP I FORGOT TO DO IT ON NEW YEAR...

Happy 2010 everyone :/ and Happy 50th MY BLOG

Blog 49: An Enemies List

2009-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

The other day I made myself an enemies list, of all my enemies.

And here they are:

1) The Queen: she sits there all day and does nothing and gets all our taxes. She's not even good for tourism like people say she is. If they wanted a tourist attraction then invest in a theme park or something, not an old lady. I certainly am NOT going to waste an hour of my christmas listening to her speech.

2) Nick Hall: I can't remember which paper its in but there's a game where you use the picture clues to construct a word and there are several each day, and they have a common theme. The other day I managed to find the theme was the 12 days of christmas song, but one of them puzzled me and I couldn't figure it out.

Turns out it was "Pear Tree Partridge", rather than "a partridge in a pear tree". And it was made by NICK HALL.

3) Some guy called Hwoarang. He kept beating me up on Tekken when I was at my friend's house yesterday. He is my worst of all the enemies.

Blog 48: Hypocrisy

2009-12-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

This is the stupidest Blog Post yet: a rant about myself.

I just read my 3rd blog post about people not being happy and moaning all the time.

And then I saw the other 47 Blog Posts, all moaning about something.

Ha.

I'm an idiot.

Still, 47 Vs 1, I guess that means I get to keep moaning.

Blog 47: Unreasonable Tormenting

2009-12-04T03:24:00.000-08:00

WHY is frape such a massive craze now?

Frape, or "facebook rape" is when someone goes on your facebook account and writes things under the false pretence that they are you: they might write in your status or on other people's walls. Common things to write are either bigging the frapers status up (John is Amazing, I love John, etc) or might write something more condemning (there's nothing better than someone else's nice big willy).

The former is a stupid idea to be honest. I mean, you wouldn't do graffiti and write "I AM MICHAEL PASQUALE AND I LIVE AT....etc etc. That's just stupid. Just like if you did a murder you wouldn't just leave a note saying who did it. It's stupid. You're asking for trouble.

But I'd rather be fraped by someone bigging themself up than putting me down. John's actually alright, so if people think i think John is amazing, then fine, fair enough. But if people all of a sudden thought I enjoyed eating breakfast off of a spanish man's chest, then my whole life could change.

Another issue with Frape is that there's no law against it. People who are fraped are offered no protection by the British police at all. If John writes on my status "Chickens get me going" then he gets away with it, but if I fraudulently stole some money from John's bank account then I'd be done for. I'd rather people nicked money: i have none in there anyway.

The good news is that I've never been fraped. The bad news is that people reading this that know me, (which I THINK is basically all twelve of you) are now going to be always watching, waiting to pounce on my open laptop as soon as my attention is diverted, and then just go MENTAL on my facebook account.

Closest I ever came was last night. Someone EVIL shut her laptop whilst I was on facebook and promised they'd frape me later. I managed to get her phone as collateral to try and negotiate but that was a bad idea as I ended up on my knees with my hair being violently pulled in an attempt to get to my brain for even more leverage to get the phone back. I also received various scars from pinching on my right arm. Nevertheless I resisted and eventually managed to get her to let her guard down whilst on my account, attempting to frape me. That's when I picked the wrongdo-er up and moved them so I could log out of facebook, no harm done.

Anyway, for those who wish to frape me in future, this is your warning. I will write things about you on my blog: nasty things.

And be warned, TWELVE PEOPLE READ THIS.

Blog 46: What To Write About?

2009-12-02T02:01:00.000-08:00

I made some promises in my last blog post and I still think it would be well nice to get to 50 posts on New Year's Eve, but I actually have NOTHING to write about, so expect some filler type stuff that's not particularly great for a bit...
I watched the Notebook last night (or some of it). The person I watched it with, called Kathi, promised I'd want to turn it off after 15 minutes and I thought "no I'll give it a fair chance I'll watch the whole thing and judge fairly at the end".
After 15 minutes I wanted to turn it off. It was rubbish. I literally DID NOT CARE what happened to those two people AT ALL.
In fairness I didn't know what was going on 'cos fortunately kathi was there to talk to me; if I'd watched that much of that film on my own I would literally be dead right now, on the student sofa in my student flat, dribbling blood out the side of my mouth and with my lungs and kidneys coughed up on the floor in the corner. I really didn't like that film.
The only bits I remember from it is two old people and a fat lady in hospital, then a man lying in the road and having to run out the way of a truck (who made no attempt to slow down, which was interesting, cos I would've sped up if i knew the film coulda ended sooner) and the couple nearly having sex in a cobweb house and then two people doing a synchronized dive when being hit by a bomb. I also remember a man who had a surfboard tied to his back asking a nurse out, and I remember he said "You should know, I'm a good dancer and my intentions are completely dishonorable." Sorry half burnt cadaver boy but you ain't gonna score by telling a normal girl that you wanna go out with her purely for sex, especially when you're mostly made of bandage.
Then I remember the other man builds a nice house, and she gets proposed to by the cadaver man when he's better, who's played by cyclops from x-men, and then there's a really cool jazz guy on the stage scatting, and then I remember getting quite angry and going "I REALLY DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS" and so we watched the beginning of Blade (which is really cool, despite being basically rubbish) and then a bit of the Mighty Boosh Live.
That's my review of the Notebook.

Blog 45: A Glorious Time Approaches...

2009-11-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

WELL there's only 5 BLOG POSTS LEFT UNTIL THE BIG FIVE-OH! I'm extremely excited and I'm sure all 12 of my followers are as well! If they even read this, that is...
BUT, coincidentally, Christmas and New Year Approaches, as does the end of the first ever decade in this particular millenium: it's a big event... and to celebrate, the next few blogs will be ones of glorious content, colliding together on the beginning of 2010, maybe even just after midnight on New Year's Eve/New Year's Day! It's gonna be SWEEEEEET.

Keep watching: it's never been a better time to be a follower of this blog...

Blog 44: Entry 14

2009-11-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

I spent all summer with Trevor but I didn’t really write much in the diary…I didn’t write any at all actually. I learnt a lot about Trevor whilst being with him all that time. He would like people to know that he is a boy. He’s not feminine at all, and anyone would know he’s male, but he seems to do things to make people see how manly he is. He eats really spicy food and drinks alcohol. Over summer he got a little tipsy and open mouth kissed another boy. I was surprised at this because I didn’t know Trevor knew there was such a thing as open mouth kissing. He seemed to experience a sense of shame about that so I guess that’s a sign that he’s not growing up into someone with homosexual tendencies.

This is the last Trev diary i'm afraid... at least, it is for now...

Blog 43: Entry 13

2009-11-04T02:30:00.000-08:00

Apparently Trevor has been pretending his finger is his nipple again. I don’t know why he finds nipples so funny, but apparently he likes to flick them. Maybe this is why he hasn’t had a girlfriend for a while. We already know he can be quite speedy in relationships and give them phones. Maybe he tries to flick girl’s nipples. I can understand why this would offend a girl, but Trevor doesn’t mean it in a weird way, just in a friendly, playful way. I do feel sorry for him because he isn’t the best person in a social situation, but I think he is gradually learning and I’m proud of him for that.

Blog 42: Entry 12

2009-11-03T00:14:00.001-08:00

Trevor is back from being ill now but he says he is really tired still. This is because he is working too hard. But he has finished now so he can stop working hard. Trevor says he didn’t throw up down his front. He says he threw up down the toilet. I don’t know why he would put his face in a toilet. He is still thinking of going to watch the new Wolverine film tonight. I think he is really excited about it. He likes films.

Blog 41: Entry 11

2009-11-01T12:18:00.000-08:00

Trevor was sick this morning. He had stayed up too late and felt ill because of it and threw up down his front. I feel sorry for him. He didn’t come in today because I think he is still ill. We were talking about how he concentrates and pulls funny faces. Tim says he opens and closes his mouth slowly, a bit like a fish does when he is working. I think this is sweet of him. I wonder if he exercises his mouth a bit too much though and that is why he can’t speak properly.

Blog 40: Entry 10

2009-10-25T01:41:00.000-07:00

Trevor keeps getting upset about a friend being racist about the way he talks. She isn’t really being racist though, because he does talk a bit funny. He says its South African but I spoke to my other South African friend and he says its not very South African at all. He says things like “choclit” and “aawf” instead of “chocolate” and “off”. I feel sorry for him because people have difficulty understanding him sometimes but I don’t think it’s that big a problem, and that he is doing very well with his speaking. Having said that, he just said the word “bood”. I don’t know what this word means. He is usually very good though.

Blog 39: Entry 9

2009-10-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Trevor just pulled Nick off his chair. I don’t know why but it could be because me and Nick were talking about his favourite animal tie and Trevor might have thought we were insulting it. He has a collection of ties with animals on it. His favourite is his one with a deer on. He calls it a springbok though. I don’t know why he calls them this. Most people call them deer. Now Trevor’s hitting Nick with a book trying to make him play but Nick is busy. I don’t think he’s upset about the tie any more because he is smiling.

Blog 38: Entry 8

2009-10-22T01:53:00.000-07:00

Trevor was just talking about when he was feeding a squirrel and the squirrel bit his thumb because he had too much salt on his thumb. It reminded me of when Trevor was chasing squirrels around the grass and one ran up a tree. He looked all pleased with himself because he had won the game and chased the squirrel away but then the squirrel pooped on his head. Trevor says he doesn’t remember this and that he only ever got pooed on once, by a pigeon. I thought it did happen though.

Blog 37: Entry 7

2009-10-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

My friend was just complaining about what Trevor did to her. He used to hit her with a folder and a lunch box and hide her pencil case where she couldn't reach (he is very tall and lanky and quite gangly). I think she's being a bit harsh though because he doesn't mean it in a nasty way, he is just trying to get attention and become friends with her. I think he might like her a little bit.

Blog 36: Entry 6

2009-10-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

Trevor sometimes gets confused about things, and I feel sorry for him, but then straight afterwards he starts arguing about whose go it is on worms. He really likes it, but I still don’t know why. He keeps asking my friend when she saw him driving and then says he saw her. He doesn’t seem to realise that he would know when it was if he saw her. Now he’s talking about his new friend, but it is his driving instructor so I don’t think he’s an actual friend. We pretend that it’s good he has a friend though. If we take interest then maybe he’ll be happy. I still don’t know why he likes worms though.

Blog 35: Entry 5

2009-10-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

I’ve just been talking to a friend, who says she saw Trevor driving once. She says it was strange because he was all bent over, and looking at the dashboard instead of out the window. She says he puts the indicator on at the last minute and then stops and sort of falls forward. She says its no wonder he hasn’t passed. I haven’t seen him drive so I don’t know and admittedly haven’t started learning myself, but somehow I don’t think Trevor should be allowed to. It’s strange that they let him, but I guess he should have equal opportunities and that.

Blog 34: Entry 4

2009-10-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

Trevor thinks he doesn’t walk a bit funny but he does. He says he has stopped walking funny because he trained himself too. I guess he doesn’t walk as funny, but he still holds his right arm bent at the elbow and his hand flopped, with one foot turned inwards slightly.

Also he moves his head around very nervously like a bird, and his eyes are quite wide so he looks pretty wary. Sometimes he lets out a sort of shrieking noise, and it’s really loud.

Blog 33: Entry 3

2009-10-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Trevor is trying to hit on a girl I think, and he’s asking her what she has been up to, and trying to make conversation. I always feel a little bit sorry for him when he tries to talk to girls because he doesn’t seem to understand what is ok and what isn’t. Once, over summer, he liked a girl and wanted to give her his phone, but he hardly knew her, and me and Eric told him that it was a bit weird, so he didn’t. It was a sweet idea though, I guess.

Blog 32: Entry 2

2009-10-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Trevor can be quite fun sometimes, but sometimes he gets a bit angry at people. This rarely happens with me, but sometimes he does. Like one time, he wrestled another boy over toothpaste, and neither would just back down. He doesn’t mean it badly though, he is just trying to mimic banter.

Blog 31: The First Entry

2009-10-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm so excited about this Trevor diary that I couldn't wait for very long before just posting it. Here's the first entry: Enjoy!

Entry 1:

Trevor is really insecure. He’s tucked in the corner with his bag and he’s all worried that we are talking about him. He’s just found out about the diary and says not to say anything bad, so I told him we’ll only write the truth. He carried on playing with worms. I don’t know why he likes playing that so much.

Blog 30: The End is the Beginning

2009-10-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

As a new student, having been here coming up to 3 weeks, I've changed already.

My sleeping and eating habits are bizarre. My standard day lasts from 11am to 2am, but every now and then a 9am lectures thrown into the mixer and so I get ridiculously tired. I've begun eating breakfast at midday, lunch at 5pm and dinner at 10pm, which is just wierd. Today I woke up at 12:01 exactly, got up, ate some chocolate and sat on my computer for an hour. My curtains are still shut and I'm still in my boxers.

I've already stayed up til 5 twice; one of those times I just played God of War from start to finish until 5.30, the other, I'm not really sure how I spent that long setting up a deviant art account, but I did. (If you're interested, the link http://smash-rocket-to-mars.deviantart.com/ ... shameless plugging there..)

I have no idea what the weather is like outside.

Now some of the sharper ones among you will be thinking why did he choose that title for this blog? WELL! As you may have noticed, with this blog I celebrate (by having a pot noodle) my 30th BLOG POST! But because I've been neglecting you wonderful readers for some time now due to not enough rants, I've lined up a little something special for you whilst I store up some more rants.

The next blog I post will see the start of a diary I kept about a friend of mine for a while back this year. It documents things he did and I really feel it captures his true self in a penetrative and revealing manner which no amount of film or socialising could do. So the next time I post a blog it will be the first in the series of THE TREVOR DIARIES! I'm excited.

Blog 29: City Life

2009-10-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

City Life is sooo wierd compared to Harpenden life...

I LOVE being so near to actual shops rather than shops that only sell chocolate or thai food. I LOVE that I can nip out the house for 30 mins and get me something from WHSmith or HMV or other chain stores. I LOVE how I have 3 Maccy D's within walking distance as well as 4 subways, and as a friend discovered, about 18 Greggs. I can walk to the cinema or walk to go bowling, or walk to PC World; all of these where options unavailable to me in Harpenden, unless I had an awful lot of time.

But of course City Life has some of its downsides. It's extremely busy, which isn't too big of a problem except it never seems to die down. It doesn't matter if it's the weekend or tuesday at 11 it always seems to be relentlessly full of people. Of course, this isn't helped by the fact that some stupid people are just to ignorant and stupid to realise how busy it is. I was walking through town making good time and I (perhaps it was my fault) unknowingly slipped down the smaller left hand lane by some cordoned off for roadworks area along the main pedestrian shopping area in Leeds. And I managed to get trapped behing not 1, but 2 REALLY fat ladies. Now, I have nothing against fat people, and some of my harsher critics would say I'm one of them, but if you're majorly fat, don't walk down the middle of an alley which is only a little wider than you are. And if there's no other option then don't walk in the middle, keep to one side so I and others can get past. And if that's still not an option then walk faster! You could do with the freakin' excercise.

So after having spent an hour walking about 60 metres, I did my shopping, headed back home and kicked around for a bit. Later on my friend from Huddersfield came to stay and in the evening we went for a wander around the town.

At night, Leeds transforms into a dark wonderland. The Macdonalds are all open and full to the brim of people who are high and have the infamous munchies. However, not a single Maccy Ds were selling McFlurries that night, which was ridiculous. In the end we got a subway, which was my first ever one incidentally...

Then there was the drug using. The really blatent obvious drug using.

In Harpenden, the drug scene is pretty bad; there are so many rich kids with nothing to do so they just get high or stoned or just drunk. Therefore its safe to say I know the whole drug thing is going on.

However I didn't expect to see someone walking around on the main high street in leeds with a tube up their nose and in a plastic bag snorting the white contents right up their nostril. It caught me completely by surprise.

Then of course there was the hallucinating man. He made me laugh. From a distance we could see this staggering middle aged man going to people and showing them his hand. As we walked by he came over and said"Look what that dog did to me hand! He bit me hand! I'm gonna punch it right in it's FACE!"

I took a sneak peak at the hand. He hadn't been bitten. Also there weren't any dogs anywhere. I don't think I've seen a dog for like 6 weeks. Dogs just don't happen in Leeds. That guy was funny.

Blog 28: Life - Phase 2

2009-09-25T05:37:00.001-07:00

University has begun. It's official. I'm halfway through Fresher's Week and I'v discovered that with a new life in a new city comes new rants, which is a bit of a relief because I haven't done one for AGES.

Anyhoo so I start my year at university with several induction talks. One of my first ones is scheduled at 11.30, so I turn up at 11.27 to find the course tutor telling everyone how this sort of lateness won't be tolerated. I look at my watch, and it says 11.27...ok so maybe my watch is wrong, I'll just fix it and then it won't happen again.

THEN he says "the sheet clearly says this began at 11.20". I look at the sheet. It clearly says 11.30.

So what, shall I just make up the times? How am I meant to know it starts at 11.20 when you told me 11.30?

So my first task at Uni is to work out what alternative time zone my tutor is living in. I know I'm quite far north compared to home but that wouldn't advocate a difference in time zone.

Anyway, then we had a talk all about something; I wasn't really paying attention because the two women giving the talk were about 50 and both had bright red hair. One was also named after the main character in Toy Story, and the other ran around the lecture hall Jerry Springer style choosing people to ask questions even if they didn't have any. I'm pretty sure she fancied herself as the next big comedian, even though NOTHING she said was funny, it only provoked looks of a quizzical nature. She even at one point said "I feel like Jack Dee!" to which I muttered, "Yes but you're not as funny."

Anyway, the Joker twins kept up this charade of a talk for 45 minutes, through which I sat, frustrated that we were being talked to as if we were 5 years old or something by Tweedle Dum and Dee from Alice in Wonderland. It reminded me of the same sentiment I felt on holiday at a camp for 16-18 year olds when a man with a wig and a flashing badge popped up one morning at breakfast claiming to be "Professor Sandwich". He then asked who remembered him from 5 years ago and two people in the room embarrassedly raised their hands in the air. Well at least two people sort of got the in joke then. He carried on his children's entertainment whilst I grew more and more annoyed that I had survived 18 years of life and GCSEs, AS and A levels, Rugby matches, stalkers, work at a supermarket, and yet I was still being treated as if I was literally a 2 year old with an awful sense of humour. He then proceeded to make a sandwich with ridiculous condiments such as toothpaste, and then eventually ate the entire thing, quite quickly, which the made him feel ill and he fell to the floor behind the counter, and some of the more sensible leaders hurriedly began to give out instructions in a brave and well-meaning but nevertheless futile attempt to cover up the unmistakable sound of Professor Sandwich being sick.

I didn't finish my breakfast that day.

Blog 27: University Approaches

2009-08-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

On the 20th August, I find out what grades I get at A-Level and wether I go to University or not in September. And if I do get in, I have to uproot my whole life and just move away. It's like going on holiday, except for 4 years, and you don't just take some clothes, you take pretty much everything you own, plus some other stuff you buy.

The thing is, I'm just not ready! I'm only 18! How am I supposed to survive on my lonesome?

It's insane. I can tell what will happen. For the first term I will just get really ill off a bad diet, and then by winter, I will catch swine flu and in my already feeble bad-diet state, I will probably die, and then nobody will notice me for years, and eventually some Alsatians will eat me a' la Bridget Jones.

So by September I need to know how to cook, how to wash clothes and stuff, how to iron (although I might just not)...pretty much how to do everything.

Oh, and apparently, unless you're like the richest guy ever, you WILL go into debt at uni. So I'll have to do all this on £0.

Most kids apparently spend £40 on alcohol a month; that's the average anyway. What a load of rubbish. They deffo spend more than that. However, because I'm not a massive drinker, I can use this money more effectively, like comics, or DVDs, or PS2 games, or even chocolate.

So by next year, my plans are to; have wasted my first year without learning much; run out of money; have no friends; be robbed; be beaten up; and of course, to have died of swine flu.

Yippee.

Blog 26: Long Road to 50

2009-05-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

This rant is all about obesity and exercise.

The government is planning on putting a tax on chocolate. My loyal followers, numbering 11, will all shout "OH NO YOU'VE RANTED ABOUT THIS BEFORE" and yes I have, it's true (Blog 17 if you're interested.

BUT it wasn't until last Thursday that I realised the TRUE reason behind this problem.

The Government is talking about taxing chocolate, and television is junk food ad free, but last Thursday in my hour PE lesson, I did 8 minutes exercise. That meant I was sitting there or getting changed for the other 52 minutes.

I think I've found the REAL problem.

The PE staff at my school are incredibly disorganised. If there is one staff member missing, we all get sent home instead of PE.

Once, my class got changed, ran outside, got a ball out and two goals and started playing football, and a PE teacher came out and told us that we had to go home; there isn't enough staff. We asked if we could play football by ourselves, and the answer was no. Our hour of exercise went out the window, and instead we walked home.

More recently they have decided to split us into 3 groups for 3 different sports, rather than many more groups which would end up with teacher "lackage". They choose rounders, which girls own boys at in our school, tennis, for which we have 3 courts, and basketball, another three courts.

I chose basketball, and they play a tournament every week, of 4 minute matches, and full size court which means there is one court at a time.

Last week, not only am I already playing tiny 4 minute matches, but they decided to give us a talk about the new school gym, and how much membership would cost (even though we helped pay for it in the first place.)

Now, I don't go to the gym, but if I did, I would be put off by the fact that it costs more than the actual gym in our town. The school prides itself over its better machinery, but, a running machine is a running machine, (and I can do that outside). SO i wasted my entire hour listening to a load of useless crap, EXCEPT of course for the 8 minutes of exercise I had.

My heart rate raised itself more just typing this.

Blog 25: SPECIAL 25TH BLOG!!!!

2009-05-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's time for a miniature celebration as I reach my 25th Blog! I know it's not 50 or 100, but...well it's 25!

To celebrate I have some more letters. This is the extent of my wrongdoings at primary school. But it is a tale I love to tell and it is done in a way I've never done before; through the letters of my old headmistress.

Here we go!

9 February 2000

Dear Mr & Mrs Pasquale

I am afraid that Michael has had his name entered in the behaviour book for the third time and as a result has been given a yellow report card.

This card has to be signed by me at the end of each day and this may mean that he will be a few minutes later coming out of school.

He must achieve five consecutive days of good reports before the card will be withdrawn. In the meantime I am afraid that he is not entitled to stay for any after school clubs to which he may belong.

If you would like to know the reasons for the entries in the behaviour book I will be happy to talk to you about them.

Yours sincerely

(Headmistress)

I don't remember why I got in the "Black Book" as we called it.

I remember I once got in there for drawing a snowman with a speech bubble coming from its bottom reading "fart", although wether this was the same year and therefore one of the three entries, I can't remember.

Anyway, I was worried. My parents would KILL me if they found out about this, I thought, so I did the clever thing.

I didn't show it to them and lived out my sentence without them knowing.

I got away with it for a while.

The closest shave was when my mum came into school on National Reading Day or something and saw me outside the Headmistress' office, but I quickly tucked the yellow card behind my back and said I was there for a "Well Done" sticker, the highest reward.

I did my time, and everything went back to normal, until parent's evening, which went a little something like this.

Teacher: "Hello Mr Pasquale, Mrs Pasquale. Hi, Michael.

Take a seat, please.

Now, as you well know, Michael has been on a yellow report card this term-"

Mum: "WHAT?"

Mike: (Oh crap)

SO I got found out in the end.

And consequently another letter got sent out.

17 February 2000 (That's a whole 8 days I got away with it for!)

Dear Mr & Mrs Pasquale,

I was concerned to hear from Mrs B last night that you were not aware that Michael was on a yellow card.

When a child is put on a card I write a letter to the parents informing them and giving them the opportunity to discuss the matter with me. I have questioned Michael this morning regarding the letter that I wrote on the 9 February and he has admitted (note she only found it 'cos I told her) that he hid it behind a bookcase in the library (HA! Vive la revolution!) We have retrieved it and I am enclosing it with this letter.

He should have come off his card today but in view of what has happened I feel he should stay on it for another week. I think Mrs B probably explained why he was on it in the first place but if you still want to discuss the matter with me I am happy to arrange a time convenient to us both.

Yours sincerely

(Headmistress)

AND THAT is the saga of the yellow report card. It's one of my favorite adventures.