Blog 74: Shocking Revelations

SOMEBODY ACTUALLY READS THIS BLOG!!!!!

So there is one person in the entire globe who still likes to read my blog :)

However, they also like to criticise by saying my recent horror film reviews aren't funny.

WELL.

I have something to say about that.

SEX AND THE CITY ISN'T FUNNY.

And don't worry, I'm planning PLENTY more horror film reviews. Mwa ha ha.

And yes I did go back to all the previous blogs and try and edit them a tiny bit to make them more bearable.

(Please don't stop reading if you're a Sex and the City fan)

Blog 73: Dawn of the RUBBISH

I haven't finished watching Dawn of the Dead as I'm writing this, because it's 5 am and I'm tired so I can't be bothered.

The characters are horribly annoying. They smash windows, and perform bizarre stunts with lorries and trollies for no reason whilst making wooping noises. The woman does nothing except sit and moan, because all of a sudden she's randomly pregnant, which is just out of nowhere. I dunno why they can't all just sit in the room though.

Fave bit was when a SWAT team guy tells another man not to ever aim his gun at anyone, "mister." Which is funny because he's aiming his gun at him as he says it, and is in a SWAT team where he frequently aims guns at others. It's even funnier because he shot some children zombies like, 2 minutes before.

Made me jump once, 3 for monsters, 3 for filming, 6 for story, 3 for acting and 8 for Gorillaz music. Overall, 24. Meaning that it's second worst so far. It was enjoyable though...

Next up, the Silence of the Lambs...

Blog 72: Alien Maths

This is basically the most embarrasing blog post ever.

The keen readers amongst you will have noticed that perhaps my maths hasn't been up to scratch in my recent posts. In fact, it occasionally went INSANE.

For example, 2+4+7+9+9+7=38, not 47. And so Carrie didn't score 47...

And therefore the WHOLE SCHEME of things has been reshuffled.

Here's the leader board, revised for inaccuracies, as it stands now...

Psycho: 47

The Ring: 39

Alien: 38

Carrie: 38

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 37

Scream: 36

Friday the 13th: 31

The Thing: 26

It: 19

Also, another mistake. I said the next review would be on Dawn of the Dead but I found Aliens cheap in CEX so I got that and watched that instead.

Aliens is as good, if not better, than Alien. That pretty much sums it up. I really enjoyed it.

It scored 3 jumpy times, 8 for the monster (the queen alien comes and the little face eater things start running round more) 7 for filming, 9 for story, 10 for acting, 8 for sounds, giving aliens a score of 45, coming second after Psycho.

Next is PROBABLY Dawn of the Dead.

Blog 71: Thingamajig

I don't wanna waste more of my life reviewing the Thing, because I just wasted loads watching it.

Let's just say, I said I was expecting the worst, and I was LET DOWN. So goodness knows what's going on with this film.

Overall, made me jump sort of twice, so just once, 5/10 for the monster, 6/10 for the story, 5/10 for acting and 5/10 for music and sounds. But a total of 26 is misleading. Don't bother watching it.

Next up, I'm going to watch Old School with Will Ferrell. But the next review will be on Dawn of the Dead. Good ol' Zombie movies.

Blog 70: Psych-o Mike-o

This is the review of Psycho, but not the original Hitchcock version, but the 1998 remake with Vince Vaughn in. Not that anyone reads this and/or cares.

This film was amazing, and I definately recommend watching it. Basically, that's all I have to say.

There was the odd couple of flaws, such as when the Sheriff of police comments "If the woman up there was Mrs Bates, then who's out buried in the cemetary?"

IT'S YOUR JOB TO FIND OUT YOU MENTALIST.

Other than that, Viggo Mortensen's acting wasn't anything special, but then I guess it never is, and the hot-ish woman who's in the Lost World made up for it. Vince Vaughn did an amazing job playing Norman Bates, and I wouldn't have thought he'd be able to act as well as he did, because, let's face it, he's pretty naff in everything else.

Overall, it made me jump 3 times, has a 7/10 "monster", 8/10 for filming, 9/10 for the story, 10/10 for acting and 10/10 for the music, which not only means the classic theme tune, but also for the sound effects: the part when hotty discovers the dead mother in the basement has the sound of singing birds, which somehow is made scary. That leaves Psycho with a deserved score of 47, which makes it joint first with Carrie.

Next up, and the film I'll be watching whilst I chow down on some late supper, will be The Thing, a slightly less known horror film. I'm expecting the worst...

Blog 69: Ring Ring

The Ring is meant to be this OH SO SCARY FILM that terrifies even the boldest of men.

Well it wasn't.

I do like Naomi Watts though, she's oddly attractive...

That's literally all I have to say.

Overall it made me jump 3 times, the monster scored 5, filming scored 7, the story and acting both scored 9 and the music scored 6, giving the Ring a total score of 39. Which puts it at 3rd place.

Still preferred Alien though...

Next time, we're going MEGA classic with PSYCHO...

Blog 68: Jason's Mum Hasn't Got It Going On

This is a review of Friday the 13th, a film famous for it's hockey mask wearing character Jason, who isn't even in the film. So I dunno why he's famous because of it.

Instead, we got a middle aged woman who sometimes puts on a "child's" voice. For any budding directors out there, you can learn something from this film. If you want a middle aged woman character to sometimes pretend to be her dead son, get someone who can act! Because if they can't even play a middle aged woman, which they ARE, then how can they play a dead son?

My fave part was after hitting Jason's mum with a frying pan, the main character checks for blood, and then goes to sit by the lake, and of course, Jason's mum isn't dead yet. So they have a brief fight and then the main girl lops of Jason's mum's head. Why she didn't do that when Jason's mum was apparently unconscious defeats my lower life excuse for a brain. But that's what she does.

However, I will say this. When it all seemed over, the film managed to get one more scare out of me when a funny mangled boy attacks the girl in the kayak.

Overall, Friday 13th scored 1 for the monster (a granny in a blue cardigan doesn't scare me too much to be honest), 5 for filming, 5 for a story line, 5 for acting, 7 for the music, even though it sounded a lot like Jaws at times. The film however did manage to scare me 7 TIMES which is the most any film has made me jump. So the overall score was 31. Looks like Carrie is still in the lead...

Next up is a slightly more modern classic: THE RING.

Blog 67: Carrie on Telekenising

This review is on Carrie, based on a novel by Stephen King.

First things first, it was WAY better than IT. But then, what isn't?

However, it was very clever in that the "monster" who you would assume is Carrie, who has telekinetic powers, is actually the victim, and the "monsters" are the people around her. Her bullying school mates or her possessive and overly strict mother mean that Carrie eventually snaps and lets loose her powers which then burns down the school and leads to her killing her own mother. It is an interesting statement on perhaps how society itself is what creates monsters.

However, all of this cleverness is definately let down by too much period blood. And any amount of period blood is too much period blood. It's just weird. Especially when the girl is screaming.

Fave part of the film was when Carrie pulls her mother's arm (which is knifed into the wall) away and it makes a popping noise, like a cork.

Scores on the doors are made me jump twice, 4/10 for monster, 7 for filming, 9 for the story, 9 for the acting, and 7 for the music, giving Scream the boot to number 2 as Carrie takes first place with 47!

NEXT UP: Friday the 13th ...

Mwa ha ha haaaaaaaa.

Blog 66: Creamy Screamy

This is a review of the movie Scream.

Scream was far better than I expected it! I thought it would just be a slasher movie, and it was! But there was some story to it which was a pleasant surprise. The scariest part was easily when I realised Drew Barrymore was in it, but thankfully she was offed pretty early on.

However, there was one flaw with the storyline. It's explained why the killer killed the main character's mum and why he wants to kill her and her dad, (I won't give it away :P) but it never seems to explain why he picks on and kills Drew Barrymore at the beginning. Of course, anyone who can read between the lines will realise that the killer just doesn't like Drew Barrymore, which I think is fair enough.

I have no idea why the killer in the Scream mask can't be on screen for over a minute without running into a fridge or door or tripping or slipping though. He's actually a pretty rubbish killer, and it's beyond me why none of the victims can't just pick his knife up on any of the thousands of occasions he falls over and just kill the killer...

My favourite part was when the main character's boyfriend turns up at the door where the party is, and jumps into the doorway yelling AAAA! for no reason. He's not even trying to play a joke. But that moment was just a massive joke.

Scream's scores are made me jump twice, 7 for the monster, 6 for filming, 9 for story, 7 for acting and 5 for music, giving it 45 overall. A new leader on the leader board! Next up is Stephen King's Carrie. Let's hope it doesn't drag on like IT did.

Blog 65: Chainsaw Massacre

Texas Chainsaw Massacre was pretty good, but also pretty mental and funny.

The story was a little bit confusing at times. How Leatherface gets an afro at the end defies me, unless he's meant to have cut the wheelchair guys hair off and worn it, but when he does a dance at the end with the chainsaw and he's wearing that afro, it looks like Michael Jackson Junior but gone massively wrong. Dialogue in the film was pretty awful, but thankfully there was no dialogue in the second half of the movie, just a lot of screaming and chainsaw noises, which I guess doesn't make up for rubbish dialogue...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me jump twice, has 6/1o for Leatherface, 7/10 for the storyline, 6/10 for the acting (which is all thanks to the woman who survives, because the other actors sucked) 8/10 for music, giving it a score of 35.

Next time will be a review of SCREAM.

Blog 64: New Series

After the success of the Trevor Diaries, which nobody read, I thought I'd do a new series of horror movie reviews. After watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street recently I've had a craving to watch as many "classic" horror films as I can. And I thought I'd do some reviews, just to try my hand at reviewing.

At the each of the reviews I'm going to give the films a score based on 6 categories: the amount of times it made me jump, how scary the monster is, how good the story is, how good the filming is, how good the acting is and how good the music is.

For example, for the film Alien, it made me jump 5 times, 7/10 for the monster, 6/10 for filming, 7/10 for the story, 8/10 for the acting and 5/10 for the music, giving it a total of 38.

So what follows is the first of those reviews, a review of the film IT, based on the novel by Stephen King.

IT is the story of some children who have to fight and kill something, known as "It" which has been picking off neighborhood kids around their area. However, it is set when the children are grown up, and after another child dies in mysterious circumstances, one of the ex-kids rings the others and tells them to come meet him, and they all act quite shocked as they remember the events from before, which is given to us in small tasty doses as flashbacks. The confusing bit is that there's a random clown running around, which somehow becomes a massive spider with a glowing six pack. And how on earth you forget a clown running around killing everyone until someone rings you in the future is beyond me.

The story line was a little weak to be honest. I feel stupid for criticizing Stephen King's story, but just firing silver on the off chance that it'll work the same as on a werewolf is a MASSIVELY rubbish idea, and when it WORKS you begin to wonder about originality of the story. Also, they use a standard slingshot to fire the silver into the clown's head, which seems weird cos his head comes all open and light comes through, which is just not right.

Then again, if it didn't work, then there'd have been 7 dead kids about halfway through the movie.

OH WAIT, that would have been good, because maybe THEN it wouldn't have dragged on for another TWO HOURS whilst watching people eat at a restaurant.

I'm still wondering now how on earth the asthmatic kid gets battery acid in a little squirter both times they face the monster.

My fave bit was when the children are discussing the disappearances and the spookiness that seems to be going down. One boy suggests perhaps the clown is a crazy man who likes dressing as a clown and killing people. The leader child, (who annoys me immensely, because he's on never ending story as well) instantly shouts down that poor child (who had a pretty reasonable suggestion) with "NO IT'S DEFINATELY A MONSTER". Fair enough.

Stephen King's IT gets 0 for making me jump, 4 for the monster, 5 for filming, 3 for the story, 1 for the acting (it was terrible) 6 for the music which was quite creepy and that gives it a total of 19.

Next time is a review of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE :O watch this space.

Blog 63: Enemies List

Here is a list of my enemies and why I don't like them, as it stands at the moment. (They are not neccessarily in order)

1) Macaulay Culkin, because I am in love with the actress Mila Kunis and she is with him and it makes me very very jealous.

2) Dr Phil, because he wrote this about me, via a facebook quiz:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

3) The Queen, because I don't know what she's for.

4) David Cameron, because he annoys me loads.

5) Syrian Umayyads and Christian Kings because I had to revise about them and it's really dull.

6) Morrissey because I think he is massively overrated.

7) Anyone who only likes Twilight because of Robert Pattinson or the other guy, but won't admit it and claim that it's an actual good film.

8) People who think that Hugh Jackman makes a really good Wolverine, when he only makes an Ok Wolverine.

9) People who like Batman Begins more than Spiderman

10) Anyone who finds Anchorman anything other than hilarious.

11) Anyone who thinks Luke Wilson is funny.

As it stands, that is it. However, I will keep updating this in future posts if anything changes.

Blog 62: Thai Massage?

I've finally recovered from my exhaustive trip to Thailand enough to complain about it.

And no, I don't want a massage.

Arriving in Bangkok was relatively exciting, but then I get relatively excited arriving in WHSmith shops. We drove to the hotel, and the biggest plus of our stay in Bangkok was probably seeing our hotel room, because it was pretty nice, and there was a pool, a bar, two restaurants, and the staff looked after us really well. BUT that evening we got all dressed for the cool evening weather, went outside, realised it wasn't cool but really really warm, and then went to find a market we'd all heard about being fabutastic. When we arrived at this market, it was sort of fabutastic, in that both that word and the market don't exist after 8pm. So we went home again, but only after wandering the streets (which smell odd there) for an hour trying to find somewhere to eat. In the end we settled on the restaurant inside our hotel.

The next couple of days were spent darting into and out of an air conditioned mini bus at various temples, markets, Buddha statues, etc etc. They were all relatively ok, but the main thing everyone, or at least I, was thinking about was how stupidly hot it was and how on earth am I gonna be able to live in Thailand's heat for 2 weeks...

After three days in Bangkok we were pretty much fed up. So we went to Chang Mai, however it's spelt, and spent some days there, (this was my favourite place in Thailand) and then to Phuket, which was pretty good. Then we were all ready to go. We'd had enough of the horrific heat, and the people shouting "MASSAAAAGE?" or telling us that we were really good friends, do we want a suit/dvd/hat/necklace/to eat in their restaurant, or calling us babes and not remotely looking like anything but a prostitute. The amount of people I saw trying to sell taylor made suits shocked me, I wondered how many people could possible go on a beach holiday to Phuket and rather than going to the beach or on trips to Islands or to see monkeys or to do water sports, they just go to buy a tailor made suit. It seemed a bit stupid.

And so, fed up, we returned to Bangkok airport, slightly worried because of the volcanic ash, but we thought, it'll be more or less ok, we'll just fly to Europe and then train it back.

No.

We weren't going anywhere. And we didn't know it then, but we weren't going anywhere for about 10 days. And we had to just wait on standby for all of those 10 days as it turned out, at any moment prepared to leg it to the airport and come home.

So we had 10 more days to spend in Bangkok. I nearly cried.

We did everything worthwhile doing in the first 3 of those days. We thought we don't know when we're going back, but let's makes the most of it. So we did a crocodile farm and shopping at some massive centres or trendy markets. And they were all quite fun. But then we had the rest of the 7 days, although for all we knew it could've been 1, 2, 3, 4 5, 6, 7 or more days. We knew one of my friends in Miami had been told they won't be flying back until over a month later. And so we just had to wait. And re-visit markets and shopping centres.

Oh, and try and avoid the city centre, which was 10 minutes away and had grenades going off and people firing assault rifles.