You know Godzilla, right? You know how angry he was at the Japanese for some reason. Well I'm like, 70 times angrier than him right now.
Our 'workshop' today was on copy writing, and it was by a woman who I won't name, but is a professional copy writer. This has nothing to do with copyrights, it's basically the writing behind advertising, or a brand's tone of voice. Now this woman had given us a lecture before, on the importance of spelling and - and read this carefully - grammer. So I had my doubts about how useful this workshop would be.
Well, at first, the slideshow she had seemed relatively useful, although it could have just been sent online and I could have, well, not watched it, but pretended to have done so and watched Die Hard 2 instead. It's what came AFTER the slideshow that worried me.
We had a series of tasks: the first was to describe the bedrooms of three celebrities: Stephen Fry, Kate Moss and Brad Pitt. Here were my descriptions:
Brad Pitt's bedroom: Jennifer Anniston's in the corner, crying.
Brad Pitt's bedroom: Jennifer Anniston's in the corner, crying.
Stephen Fry's bedroom: Quite Interesting.
Stephen Fry's bedroom: It's painted pink, but that's not gay. Oh wait, it is.
Kate Moss' bedroom: Mind you don't trip over Pete, he's nearly dead on the floor.
Kate Moss' bedroom: Smells like whore!
Kate Moss' bedroom: Where's her make up drawer? Oh, there it is. All over her face.
Kate Moss' bedroom: So big it's like finding an overly skinny model in a haystack.
Turns out I got the wrong idea, and I literally had to describe their room. Like Kate Moss' room is pink with cushions on the bed and a dress on the floor. Creative.
The Next task was even better. Three students pretended to be returning Astronaut's, one Russian and the others supposedly British, from a 24 year trip to mars and back. The rest of us were journalists and we had to ask questions, like a press conference. We then had to make notes.
This wasn't a real space trip. Yet somehow I've got half a page of notes on what happened when they went to Mars, as if it was real. I wasted actual time, paper, energy and sanity on something that definitely didn't happen. They told us that their test-monkey, Brian, had died. I wrote in my book, "Brian died". I actually wrote it as if it really happened.
What's more, none of it made any sense? So, assuming the two other astronauts are English, as we weren't told otherwise, and they left 24 years ago, so 1987, well I'm pretty sure the British weren't in Space by then. A quick check on Google (Google chrome just told me to spell check google) tells me the first Brit in space was in 1991. So that's balls.
Maybe they're American. That seems logical, Neil Armstrong was the first on the moon, so it's logical that the first man on Mars in the 1980s was probably American. Obviously, ignore the context of world history in the 1980s, that massive thing called the COLD WAR, where Russia and America didn't get on. Because if we took that into account, they probably wouldn't have teamed up to send people to Mars at all. So we'll ignore it, otherwise the astronaut story looks like it's made up, which of course, it definitely is.
It was also clear that the "astronauts" in question were just saying something funny to all our questions. So in now way was this productive. We basically took notes, for an HOUR, on three people pee-ing around and everything they said.
The third task was, to sum it up, act as if we were sexists. Conclusions from the 3rd task was that if you are a man you could be a teenager, a 'city boy' (banker, for normal people), an astronaut, or a sports person (athlete, for normal people). If you're a woman you can be a WAG or a mum. So that's nice. We then had to think about how to sell deodorant to an astronaut.
So many things wrong with that one. So, even assuming Astronauts have a shower, bearing in mind how much energy it takes to send mass into space, I really don't think, in any world, that astronauts turn up with their little wash bags full of Colgate and Lynx. I assume that IF, IF they have deodorant, it's supplied by NASA or whatever organisations sending them up there.
Can I also point out how long space missions are? YEARS. So how much deodorant do they take with them? Again, bearing in mind how much energy it takes, I doubt their sending them up with stacks of Right Guard in the boot.
Also, there's like 3 Astronauts in the country? It's not the biggest demographic? What company decides, right, gap in the market THERE'S NO DEODORANT FOR ASTRONAUTS! SELL SELL SELL!!! Nobody. Because nobody would ever make any profit from that, ever. It would be better to just go to tesco, buy some deodorant for say, £2.50 that already exists, take it to the astronauts and go here you go, it's £3.00. £1.50 profit, thankyou very much, job done, have fun in space, see you later.
Not to mention the difficulty's for advertising... It's expensive enough hiring a billboard on the motorway, let alone one floating around on an asteroid.
I've done a little poster for you, just to shake things up a bit.
Laters guys, take care x
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