Blog 99: 1

In the song "Mr. Brownstone" Axl Rose boasts about his addiction to heroine and how it affected his life and the band's life, saying "I get up around 7, I get out of bed around 9."

Now is it just me, or is that really not that bad@$$ for an 80s metal band? As much as I love good ol' pre-axl-rose-going-mental and slash leaving Guns N' Roses, getting up at 7 and getting out of bed at 9 is well pansy. Just today I woke up at 9 and only just now got out of bed, and as I write this it's 12:37. And the worst drug I take is Weetabix, and the Morrison's value version at that. I don't know why they were often 3 hours late to gigs when they had all that time since their early rise-n-shinin' at 9 until the evening, where all they did was probably snort powders and bang ladies with massive hair-do's.

On a smaller note, you may have noticed it's my 99th blog. And obviously, that means that the next one will be my 100th. And I know I broke my New Year's Eve promise to upload 100 by midnight of the last day of 2010, but this Friday I am turning 20, and so I think that would be a similar excuse for me to upload my 100th blog. So keep reading.

Blog 98: 2

I bought a game the other day and it was delivered (somehow) yesterday, despite it being sunday. It's Aliens Vs Predator, for anyone who's interested.

It is a good game, it's good fun being the humans, but it is also the most terrifying thing anyone could ever do in the world ever. I was sat in the dark in my room mesmerized by the horror as I wandered through dark space corridors listening intently to my motion sensor for the dreaded beeping that means a vicious lizardy-insect is coming at me to chew off my face. Every once in a while you are fortunate to rendez-vous with some other humans with guns, and it's the most satisfying and relieving thing in the world, until shortly after they are ripped to shreds, mashed and stolen right in front of your eyes, living you with the aliens coming at you and your tiny little pistol.

I don't know what in the world SEGA thought was a good idea about making a game which leaves people in puddles of their own hard-earned urine, but for some reason it works. I didn't sleep much last night though.

Blog 97: 3

I just had an exam for my University course and one of the questions was either really difficult and I was missing something major in my revision, or it was the easiest question in the WORLD.

It still annoyed me though.

The question was: "What do you think the world will be like in 2025."

Well here's my answer.

"I personally believe the world will end in 2012, like the aztecs. (Not really) But for the purpose of this question let's assume that the prediction is not 100% definitely going to happen.

I think the world in the future will be a very different place. The main difference is that machines will rule the world, and they will keep the humans in pods and this will be how they make energy, because we will have run out of oil and other fossil fuels. The machines will plug the humans into a computer program, which means the humans will think they are living a life similar to a life lived by someone from the 1990s.

There will be some humans who have resisted the machines rule and live in a city called Zion. One of these will wear a Guy Fawkes mask and be called V. He will take a young girl hostage and then blow up the Houses of Parliament, for some reason.

There will be another man, called Morpheus. He will go into the computer program and find the One who will fight the machines.

The Machines will react violently, sending a giant austrian robot back to the 80s to kill Sarah Connor, who is someone's mum. The humans send V back with Kyle Reese to stop him, but Kyle ends up having it away with Sarah. They beat the robot, but he comes back to fight a police robot, who is Robocops friend.

I would like to say that they will have suits made of metal that can fly, not dissimilar to Iron Man, but of course that is unrealistic and wouldn't happen, no matter how much we want it. Instead we will have to defeat the aliens on Sigourney Weaver's ship without high tech suits, but it should be ok because as soon as it lands on Pandora the Na'vi will be waiting."

That's what I think will happen. You can't fault it, it's in movies.

Blog 96: 4

So it's the New Year. And I know I didn't keep my promise to upload my 100th blog post as it turned midnight, so I'm sorry to all of you who read my blog (my understanding is that it's not that many) and I will make it up to you by having a wonderful blog for my 96th one with pictures and everything. It'll be like magic.

Yesterday I went on a lovely trip to London to Madamme Tussaud's.

Oh, what a place!

Where else can you stand next to a statue of Freddie Mercury or Jimi Hendrix or Henry VIII as if they were still alive?

Well, Madamme Tussaud's anywhere else, of course, but there's nowhere else in London, that's for 78% sure!

And so off I went on the tube, all to London, and went in the door and LOOK! THE BEATLES! LEO DI CAPRIO! JONNY DEPP! JOHN F KENNEDY! David Cameron? Zac...Ef..ron?

Uh oh. I've walked into my worst nightmare, I realised, as I looked over to Patrick Stewart on his own (he'd probably cry if he had tear ducts) whilst Leona Lewis had crowds around her. And where's Mick Jagger? Ian McKellen? Waitaminute... why isn't Stalin here?!

The world around me crashed down into tiny pieces as I realised finally that I'm not like anyone else. I'm 19, and yet I don't like JLS more than Slash, I don't agree that Glee is a good thing and I certainly don't want to watch a film where the main character is played by Daniel Radcliff. And that's when I learnt the horrible truth about myself. That I'm an old person trapped in a tubby young person's body. I'm grumpy, I reminisce about the "good ol' days" which I didn't even experience and I'm living in my own personal nightmare where my favourite song from this year was by Kylie.

And I will moan about it. I will moan about how people watch the Hills and yet NOBODY watches the Office or Flight of the Conchords. I'll complain that people read Hello magazine but have never picked up the Hobbit or even tried the Watchmen. But I guess these things will never change. They will just continue to scare and alienate me until I sit on a porch and shout things at passers-by until I become the talk of the town and the laughing stock of the local schools. They'll make jokes about how I'm probably a sexual deviant in secret, or how I am definately a criminal. And I'll just continue to rant my way into insanity and think "It all began with that blog."

And to cheer ourselves all up a bit, here's a link to my pictures:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/

Blog 95: 5

I've just seen a rather upsetting advert about the polar bears.

It said something a long the lines of "The polar bears are in danger this christmas. the ice is melting. Give just three pounds a month and we can save them..."
Now don't get me wrong.
I love animals, and polar bears are cute and everything, despite the fact I have a dead rat on my picture above this. BUT this advert is ridiculous.
ASIDE from the fact that a polar bear would HAPPILY rip you apart even if you were trying to help it, what on EARTH will giving three pounds a month acheive.Are they gonna buy some ice and dump it in the sea? Because UMMMMM it'll just melt again.
Are they gonna give them a hair cut and move them somewhere warmer? 'COS LOOK OUTSIDE. It's snowing. So it's cold.
Which means it's colder in the NORTH POLE. So I doubt the ice is melting. What's more, is that if we're not careful these polar bears will become clever and invent cars which will now be able to drive on the not-icy roads of the Artic circle. Then their new feuls that they invented will start to do global cooling and the whole of Africa will get icy and all the lions will start dying. So my solution? KILL THOSE POLAR BEARS.
Don't ACTUALLY kill the polar bears, that was a joke, obviously, it was a joke. BUT I wouldn't trust these charities. Feel free to but don't then invent a charity to get me to pay in aid of the millions of people who were ripped off by charities asking weird things that don't seem to help, and if they do, please clarify HOW a bit more, please.

Whilst I seem to be going mental and being a horrid person at Christmas, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ON THE HIGH STREET. YES I HAVE TIME. YES I CAN SPARE SOME OF IT TALKING TO YOU AND YES I GUESS IT'S THE NICE THING TO DO.
BUT.
I am a student.
I have no money.
I don't care.
I want to go home, and not sit outside talking to you about something you're clearly passionate about, when I'm not. How would you like it if I stopped you at EVERY OPPORTUNITY to tell you why I think the Godfather three isn't as good as the other two but is still a good film if you ignore a couple of actors. Or why the graphic novel of Watchmen is a lot different from the film.

That brings me to the end of this particular rant. Conveniently, this could well be the last one before Christmas, so I look horrible.

But, I hope you won't judge me too severely, and have a WONDERFUL christmas.

Blog 94: 6

This is going to be a tremendously exciting blog, because it's about naked girls. Wahey!

So I have a twitter account, as you probably know because you as readers probably don't exist anymore, and this blog is just an unread venting of stuff.

BUT basically, with twitter, anyone can follow you. And sometimes you get a charity or business after people to help them or whatever and so you get them following. Then sometimes you get a girl doing a myspace shot who wants casual sex which is ridiculous enough.

But today was the day I was followed by a naked girl.

I got a lovely little email, saying "NAME" wants to follow you on twitter! And so, all excited, I rushed across cyberspace to see my lovely new follower and what she was about and LO AND BEHOLD! She was naked, and asking me to see her "super sexy new vid"!

My first thought was ah poor dear, she can't afford clothes :( How sad!

But then I realised she has a COMPUTER, and INTERNET ACCESS, AND A CAMERA. So that can't be true.

And so I came to realise that she is probably a bit of a...hmmm...what's the politically correct term...

SLUT.

And so I blocked her (not with my penis).

What mostly annoyed me though was that the picture was just of the body, there was no head!

When will people learn that decapitation, even in a digital format, JUST ISN'T SEXY.

Have you seen my super sexy new vid?

I get beheaded.

Blog 93: 7

Don't worry. I'm not turning into one of those people who thinks the government are trying to put stuff in our drinks so we go and fight a war. I'm not a hippie.

In fact, this blog is a direct attack on those sorts of people, basically.

I've been youtubing adverts for a project and I was specifically looking at adverts aimed at children, and got sidetracked by a video called "Disney Subliminal Messaging" so watched it.

Basically, keeping my theme of things that annoy me, these people who sit there looking for anything in any movie that looks like a penis really need something better to do.

I'm not gonna debate the common things, like where it says "Sex" in the lion king or what "down where it's wetter" means (although I honestly think he means the sea, considering the sea is a large body of water found commonly throughout the world. It could be a euphemism, but considering the entire song is about living UNDER THE EFFING SEA I think people have read into it too much) I do have an issue with people getting all horrified and worried about their babies because of it though. PLENTY of people have watched the Lion King and it's rare that anyone becomes a sex pest because the word sex is written in some dust. If these things are true, which they rarely are, they're usually not because animators are trying to brainwash kids to turn them into zombies who go around humping everything, but more likely, because animation is a slow process which is drawn out frame by frame, and something like writing the word sex into some dust is a bit of a laugh.

What REALLY annoys me is when people go MENTAL and start making it up. One of the videos commented on how in pretty much EVERY disney film, the mum dies in the credits.

Dumbo, yes, Bambi, yes. The Little Mermaid doesn't have a mum.

However, Aladdin, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, The Rescuers and pretty much all the Disney Pixar films don't have mum's dying, so it's not really ALL. And it doesn't mean Disney are trying to do away with mothers, it's just emotive. Not to mention Disney rarely come up with the story but take a pre-existing children's tale and make an animation.

To be honest, where do you stop? HAVE YOU NOTICED EVERY FILM AT SOME POINT HAS SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN IN IT? Are the film industry trying to encourage bad things to happen? No, they're not, but films wouldn't work if there was never anything BAD happening.

One of the most mental ones I saw claimed that Mr Tumnus from Narnia is exactly the same in appearance as PAN, the PAGAN SEX GOD.

Well, he may look the same, but he that is because MR TUMNUS IS A FAUN AND FAUNS LOOK LIKE WHAT MR TUMNUS DOES.

It went onto say the interactions between Mr Tumnus and Lucy are a bit like a pedo. Again, that isn't DISNEY, it's the story of NARNIA, and he IS trying to capture Lucy to get her to the White Queen. The video said "This is clearly Walt Disney's intentions..."

NO IT'S NOT! FAUNS LOOK LIKE THAT!

Apparently Walt Disney liked to be involved with witchcraft, and this is why so many witches are in his films.

I mean, most of the time they ARE evil, so it's not like they're ENCOURAGING it, are they.

In the montage that follows they attack Mickey Mouse in a wizard's hat, the Genie off Aladdin, and then go mental and criticise Disney for having a wizard in the popular story known as the WIZARD OF OZ. OF COURSE IT'S GONNA HAVE A WIZARD IN IT.

Anyway, I think I better stop before I get too angry. And anyway, I think the Devil's talking to me via my poster of spider-man.