Blog 113: Just a Li'l Something

I'm just writing a little something to moisten your dry interest, as I'm very very aware that I haven't written anything on here properly for like, a while.

Why is it we tell people, when they're grieving a lost loved one, that they're "Probably up there right now, looking down on us and smiling?"

It's kinda ridiculous. I mean, sorry, but say you get to heaven, and there's huuuuuge parties, chocolate growing on trees, everyone's well fun, you can hang out with GOD and like all the angels, etc, (I mean, that's kinda really cool...) so why on EARTH (or why in heaven) would you waste all your time just sitting on a cloud on your own observing the ridiculously mundane tasks which your relatives are doing? I mean, for real? I can imagine, maybe, you might take 5 minutes or something to watch your kids getting married or whatever, but REALLY are you sitting there watching them on the bus, smiling down?

Also, right, someone was talking about my Great Grandpa the other day. Now, when he was alive, his house always smelt a bit of TCP, like ALWAYS, and this person was saying how they went to an antique market type thing, and smelt TCP and they actually said "It was like Grandpa was there". Really? REALLY? Is he really just wandering around an antique store? And does thinking that really bring you comfort? I mean, to be honest, that sounds rubbish for five minutes, let alone eternity. And the smell of TCP doesn't mean his spirit is wafting around nearby! His spirit isn't gonna smell of TCP?! It doesn't mean if I feel a sore throat coming on i GARGLE a bit of my Grandpa to sort it out?!

I think my Grandpa is MORE LIKELY to be in heaven, and I'd rather he was than wandering aimlessly around an antique store. I think he would've wanted it that way too.

Might as well dedicate this to him, even though it's rubbish.

Blog 112: Chris Rock

I've just watched the Longest Yard, the one with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock in it. I just want to say something to Chris. Yes, you're black. We can see it. Not being funny, but you don't need to keep reminding us, and it isn't funny when you do. Keep being black, by all means. Just stop telling me the whole time when I can see your skin tone in full HD.

Blog 111: Facebook Quiz

Don't get your hopes up, this isn't really a quiz. I'm just angry at this new Facebook "phenomenon" where random quizzes get thrown around and people answer the questions. It was alright when it was genuinely important, I even used it myself to find out if it's better to be a pirate or a cowboy. It was still alright when you can find out how many films or books from a certain list you've watched, or where you've been in the UK. Fine. But recently my feed has just been full to the brim with answers to one question: What is the worst thing a guy can say to a girl?

Most of the answers seem to be "Have you gained weight?" or "Out of ten you're a...", that sort of thing. The kinda thing that no guy would ever say to a girl. And if i'm wrong on that one then I really do despair for the world.

It's a stupid question with no actual bearing, and no point behind it other than maybe to hint at guys not to say the things we already weren't going to say.

But then the multiple choice options are ridiculous! Think about it, is "Have you gained weight REALLY the worst thing you could say?

Now, obviously, i'm not a lady. Otherwise my name wouldn't be Michael, and I wouldn't have a willy. And at school my nickname wasn't Casanova. BUT, I think I know girls well enough to say, and shoot me down if I'm wrong, but a girl would rather hear "have you gained weight?" than something along the lines of "You know your kids? I trapped them in a small cage, I've already eaten James, and Sarah looks like she's getting ill off all the slugs I'm feeding her." I think that would be the worst thing. Or something like, "All your family and pets are robots, but don't worry, I've switched them off. The cat twitched a bit but I stopped it with my boot. I never knew battery acid was red!" I could go on. But I won't. Because I'm going to kill you.

Blog 110: Good Friday, Bad Google.

It's Good Friday as I write this. For anyone that doesn't realise, Good Friday is the day which we remember Jesus dying on the cross. (Easter is for when he rose from the dead two days later.) Now obviously, there's some debate over wether he rose from the dead, or was the son of God, and although I believe that, I'm not here to drum that into your skulls (although obviously, I'd recommend it). BUT nobody in their right minds denies that there was a man called Jesus who taught us some really sound stuff and was then crucified. And Good Friday is when we remember this.

Now it's easy enough to remember when Good Friday is. You know Easter is always on a Sunday right? Well, go two days before that, and that's ALWAYS Good Friday. So it's not like you're gonna forget.

But guess who's just invented a groovy holiday and decided to plonk it right where Good Friday is this year. That's right, Google have invented a holiday.

WELL ok, it's been around since 1970, but still. Nobody knows or cares about Earth Day, it's a ridiculous idea and is fundamentally pointless. But if you MUST have Earth Day, why don't you whack it somewhere around, I dunno, June, July, August, September, early October, late November time? Heck, shove it on the 23rd of December, it won't ever accidentally clash with Christmas will it. BUT HERE'S AN IDEA! Don't whack it right where there's already a more prominent holiday. It's like standing next to Martin Luther King and trying to get praise for how you went back to the shop and gave them the 30p for the biscuit which they forgot to scan through. Nobody cares, you're not a hero, and if anything, you're an idiot for throwing away 30p.

But you know what's even worse? So it accidentally clashes with Good Friday. Not the best planning, but hey ho, people make mistakes. But on the google homepage, don't pretend like Earth Day is a bigger deal than Good Friday?! Whether you're a massive church goer who never leaves a pew except to make a PPEEE-EEWWW (see what I did there?) or basically a satanist who never leaves his or her pentagram, Good Friday has become a fundamental day which is engrained into our culture in all country's with a Christian foundation and history, so I dunno where Google gets off pretending like Earth Day is the best thing ever. I don't know what Earth Day is, I dunno what it's for. Oh if I don't remember to celebrate EARTH DAY I'm gonna forget what the EARTH is, OH BLOODY HELL what's this massive sphere I'm treading all over, oh golly gosh, oh wait, Earth Day's here OH I REMEMBER, it's the Earth. This literally never happens. So go away Earth Day, get off google's little picture version of it's logo and let's have some recognition for someone. You're probably thinking, well this is an overreaction, it's not like anyone died, but 1) my URL says about me ranting, so you had a warning and 2) SOMEONE DID DIE. And we're too busy celebrating Earth Day to care about it. Let's reconsider Earth Day, please, we're coming off as idiots.

Although, to be honest, soon as we find martians we'll get rid of Earth Day due to it being politically incorrect.

Blog 109: Sticky Quickie

Just a quick li'l blog today, for those who were brave enough to read past that disturbing, and thanfully misleading, title.

This post is actually a review of amazon prime. For those that don't know, amazon prime is a tasty extra to normal amazon, but which you have to pay extra for. The main bonus of amazon prime (it might be the only one, but it's the only one I'm aware of anyways) is that you can get your orders on 1 day delivery, for free! (Except it's not, because amazon prime isn't free)

I was recently offered a month's trial of amazon prime, so I jumped at the chance. And then I finally got to test it out on Wednesday 20th of April, around 3 o clock in the afternoon. One day delivery? Go on then.

It's expected on Saturday, the 23rd April. Nice one amazon. We'll deliver your items in one day! For money! And it'll take three days to do it.

Blog 108: Point of View

You might wanna read about my pointless lectures before you look at this one, but it's not essential. But if you want the full story check out this post first:

http://pasqualerants.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-101-why-oh-why.html

Or look for post 101.

ANYWAY. We had an assignment, which was ridiculous, and stupid, pointless and mundane and completely impossible. We had to define "point", "line", "plane", "structure" and "form" (in the artistic sense of those words). Our definitions had to be original, so we couldn't use the dictionary (which, despite the impossibility to define those words, does a pretty good job that can't really be done better...) What annoys me about this is that everyone knows what these are, but like colours, you can't really explain it. If someone said "describe the colour green" you'd find yourself probably punching that person in the mouth. Moreover, if someone came up to you and genuinely didn't know what a line or point was, they'd probably get several skin breaking kicks to the shin, and deservedly. But we had to do basically that for this assignment.

I'd already got credit for making the popping noise that donkey makes in Shrek 2 to define the sound that a point would make if it was a sound, so I should really have been let off having to define it on paper too. But as if defining it with words weren't enough, we had to illustrate these 5 things (objects? concepts? what even are they?) too.

Now, obviously we can't just draw a line or a point (although that is a good way to see what they are) so this bit wound me up. How am I supposed to do such obvious things in original ways?

I got so wound up that I did an e-mail to the module leader:

"Hello,

I'm writing primarily to enquire about the Design Theory 2 (DESN2640) assignment we have been given, as I have spent the past few hours attempting to do it and it has only resulted in me feeling stressed. I am unsure as to what the idea of the assignment is. I was wondering if you could give me some indication of what the assignment is intended to achieve so that I can try and focus my project towards that goal. At the moment I am struggling for ideas to define "point" in any other way than how the dictionary does it, which of course is unoriginal and so wouldn't be allowed. I find that "point" and "line" are concepts so basic that I cannot begin to think of how to describe them, much like how I wouldn't be able to describe the colour red to someone if they asked. I hope you don't find this email rude and I certainly don't wish to come across as such, I am writing purely to ask where you intend us to go with these assignments as I am struggling to focus and specify what I am writing.

Thankyou in advance

Michael Pasquale"

And this was toned down. My original draft was way more sarcastic and grumpy, but unfortunately I didn't save that one.

The reply was this:

"Michael,
I suggest also that you read the given assignment again (with care). Your focus should be on producing original illustrations and definitions for inclusion in a text bvook for visual artists and designers. My advice is to try to produce the visuals first. You may well find that the words then follow the images rather than vice versa.
Originality is required, but a survey using google (for example) and whatever relevant text books you can access, may stimulate this originality. Hope this is helpful.
Regards,

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange"

So basically, read the brief, which OBVIOUSLY I had done, several times, and the brief literally says what he says: "Your focus should be on producing original illustrations and definitions for inclusion in a text bvook for visual artists and designers". I was hoping for some indication as to why this activity would be any use to me now, or ever. Because it really won't be.

I should point out, that when he says they're meant to be for "inclusion in a text book", he's literally been asked to make some definitions for a textbook, and he can't be bothered, so he's asked the whole module to do it and he's choosing the best to be used in the textbook. So this is the actual reason why this is happening, and the reason why I wanted to repeatedly smash my face into my computer keyboard until the blood jammed up the letters and I couldn't type anymore.

Goodness, where did all that anger come from?

Anyways, we got set another stupid task and upon handing in the second task we received the results from the above one back, and I did well. Which annoyed me. Because my intention for my illustrations was to take the mick and try to point out what a truly stupid and ridiculous task this is, but instead it was misread as "an attempt to breathe originality into the assignment."

Anyway, I thought I'd post my definitions on tumblr so that you can all have a gander at how well I did despite wanting to just trash my room. Hopefully they'll get chosen for the book as well, because then people using the book might find the original drawings on here and realise it's all a massive massive farce.

You can find the definitions here at this link:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/post/4362183266/some-ridiculous-definitions-which-we-had-to-do-for

Enjoy!!!

Blog 107: Regression Therapy

Here's the final installment of my whacky days of myspace blogging. I think now that I've typed these up I will reveal my myspace to the world, so people can visit it. One day, when I've saved the world or done something equally high profile, the myspace will remain there as a sort of museum about my childhood. The link is http://www.myspace.com/pasqualester

Here's the final post from my myspace blog:

"It was a dark night at the house of Count Von Pasqualestein. Thunder rumbled in the night air. Nathan was playing a board game quietly, and was hummin Pink Floyd to himself. Lightning struck the ground outside, leaving the smell of sulphur, a ringing in Nathan's ears, and a blinding white light. When the light faded, Nathan screamed in terror...for there was the evil Michael and Andrew, and their new accomplice, Adam. Nathan remembered too well, that night in the lounge all those years ago...they wedgied him so hard he couldn't walk for a week! He screamed in terror again, and then Adam pounced, holding his arms on the floor. The other two grabbed the edge of Nathan's boxers and yanked him into the air, so he was dangling by a wedgie. He screamed a scream which whimpered into a silence. Blood seeped from under the door, and lighting struck. The 3 wedgie-ers ran away into the night.Then out scrambled Nathan. He crawled along, as he couldn't walk any longer. They had got him again, but he had survived once more. He knew they would be back...and he was right! So let that be a warning to you all, espescially if you are Nathan! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA."

I do remember this night, and it was hillarious. My version is perhaps a bit over dramatic but it's based on glorious true events. I do sort of feel sorry for Nathan but... naaaaaah, I don't.
I wonder if he'll read this? If he does, then Hi Nathan!

That brings me to the end of this series of blog posts, but I'm sure I'll be back soon with some more tasty rants or something for you to read instead of doing that really important work you have to do...

Laters x