Blog 88: Airport A***holes

Picture this:

As my long term followers know, I got stuck in Thailand for 10 days. Well last night my plane from italy was delayed by about half an hour, 45 minutes. So no big panic right?

WELL one fat lady seemed to think so. As we piled onto the bus to take us from departures to the plane, she went "WELL we're NEVER gonna get on this bus are we?!" as if the bus was packed full. It wasn't, there was actually quite a bit of room, even enough for her, and so already she was going mental and we hadn't even started yet.

She then said excuse me to me, and I didn't hear because of my music, I KNOW I'M SUCH A TEENAGER. And so my sister nudged me and I realised she was trying to get on so i shuffled out of her way as best as I could, but there wasn't much room to move around lots because the old man near me just sat there staring into oblivion. But I did my best.

Then she got all angry and sarcastically said "Well maybe not then" and i just said "alright" 'cos she was well flipping off the handle for no reason. She went even more mental and said "EXCUSE ME?!" and I looked at her like I didn't have a clue what her problem was, although I suspected it was because she was so fat that her arteries were all cloggy, and said "what?".

She left me alone after that, and me and my sister tried not to laugh as she kept saying things to herself that were far too dramatic like, "We'll probably be stuck in a hotel all night" AS THE BUS WAS DRIVING TO THE PLANE?! We're going to the plane RIGHT NOW so we can fly TONIGHT and not be in a hotel you silly cow.

Then an italian woman started complaining that they let the kids go through the boarding pass bit first but then had to wait around and couldn't go to the plane, and this annoyed me. Did she want them to fly her home without waiting for anyone else? Your kids would be waiting on the plane for as long as they waited on the bus or in the airport, it's not easyjet's fault you brought your kids up all wrong, now SHUT THEM UP.

Then fatty piped up again as people pushed towards the doors to try and get the front seat. "I don't know why everyone's panicking, everyone's gonna get on the plane"

YOU WENT MENTAL. SHUT. UP. NOW.

What was funny was that all the "speedy boarders" who paid an extra £10 were on the same bus as us, as they usually are, but they were at the back. BUT they were all old so I just ran on the plane and was the first on and had the pick of all the seats, which was scrummy. And fatty was stuck near a toilet, struggling to fit into her seat.

Blog 87: Sexy Somethings

According to the deodorant advert which butchers the Cure song Close to Me, "77% of women feel sexier when their underarms look good."
But what they don't mention are these following facts, which are also ALL TRUE.

67% of women feel sexier when they aren't made from clay.

89% of women feel less sexy when covered in mud or sewage.

43% of women breathe on a frequent basis, often several times a day.

75% of women watch television at least once during their lifetime. This doesn't apply to women who lived prior to the invention of the television.

67% of straight men prefer women to men when looking for a life partner. Similarly, 68% of homosexual men prefer men to women when looking for a partner.

54% of chocolate bars contain actual chocolate.

88% of carpet manufacturers make carpets.

Perhaps what isn't surprising is these above facts but the fact that TWENTY THREE PER CENT OF WOMEN FEEL EITHER SEXIER OR THE SAME AMOUNT OF SEXINESS WITH UGLY ARMPITS. Which makes no sense.

I'm not saying if you have ugly arm pits then you're unbearably hideous, but if someone had ugly armpits and then they became nice armpits, just like it would be with every other part of the human body, they would feel a teeny bit sexier. Guess what? 100% men feel sexier when they have nice arm pits too.

That's science.

Blog 86: Truly Tragic

Imagine a place where there is no internet; no reception. Buildings are no higher than 2 stories, if that, and they certainly don't fully protect the inhabitants from the cruel weather outside. Imagine having to cook using whatever heat is left from the bath the other 10 people had earlier. Imagine living in the cold and damp, perhaps in a cottage, but more likely, in a tent. Imagine having to live somewhere where there are few toilets, perhaps just one toilet, and imagine it breaking and having to go Boom Boom in a field, in the rain, with the sheep.

Worst of all, imagine a place like this existing in the 21st Century.

Well, believe it or not, there IS a place like this. And it's only like 5 hours up the M6.

We call it the Lake District, but perhaps a more accurate name is HELL.

Yes. I had no reception. I had no internet (FOR TWO WEEKS). I was in a cottage for one week and a tent the next. (Do you know what's worse than living in a tent? NOTHING.) There were 10 others, not much hot water (or any water that didn't have sheep's wee in) and it took ages to cook. The toilet was BROKE and I did have to attempt in a field, in the rain, with the sheep, and I gave up and then me and three friends arranged a trip to the river and to share the flush.

Which worked, before you judge.

So yeah, pretty hellish. Then add to that the fact your getting about 5 hours sleep a night, and it's in a TENT so it's not even good sleep...not exactly a trip to Greece.

There was one beautiful plus, and that's the new craze some of us are starting, and I'll name them here, those glorious pioneers: Mark, Tim, Eric, Simon, Trev and myself. We were the pioneers of the new golden age of Lake District Film Music Driving Craze. But you can join in too.

Go to the Lake District.

Go driving through it.

Play classic film music full blast as you go.

Of course, this works best if you have John Williams music, but we found James Bond, Mission Impossible and Gladiator work incredibly well. We also suspect that Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings and Braveheart will work very well also.

A truly epic way to spend an otherwise tragic and grim fortnight.