Blog 149: Crystal Meth

I love the TV channel called Challenge. It's literally brilliant.
The main reason I love it is that it will sometimes show an old TV show called Crystal Maze and it's hilarious.

And it's hilarious a little bit because all the people on there are from a while ago and all the fashion was a bit different then so they all look a little bit...well...

...just a little bit different from people nowadays. And I think that's funny.

But the main reason is the presenter. I'm told there was another guy before him, but the one I saw was  a man named Ed Tutor-Pole. Ed briefly replaced Jonny Rotten in the Sex Pistols and then started his own band called TudorTen or something, so you might know of him.

Just to be clear, I am not saying this next bit is true, I am merely saying that in my opinion, the impression is given that the presenter acts in a way you might expect of someone who is taking class A drugs. Again, I am NOT saying that Ed Tudor-Pole is actually addicted to cocaine, I am just saying that if someone was addicted to cocaine, you might expect them to act in a similar way to how he acts while presenting that particular show. In fact, I'm going to retract all of that in case I get in trouble, and just leave you with a picture and let you think what you want to think.

Whatever you just thought in your head is your own thoughts and I am not responsible for them. So if you want to complain, address it to your own brain.

Here's a clip, actually, if you want to watch him sidling up behind people and yelling nonsensical things at people like a creepy drunk Victorian Dr Who. But I should warn you that as you watch this, it will be a bit like watching a nightmare, except you can't just wake up and escape.

If I was locked in that room I'd rather just be left there, Captain.

Anyway, it's so brilliant because it's a bit like a kids' show I used to watch called Jungle Run, but it's got adults on it instead of kids. Yet Ed still makes them peg it around this giant studio, holding them by their hand, and they still get well excited about finding all the crystals.

One of my favourite bits of Crystal Maze is when people get trapped in the rooms, and they can't escape because they failed that particular test. They always look so alone and dejected, like their thoughts have finally caught up and they realise they're running around following a...let's say an eccentric man - who you can tell is constantly straining so much it hurts to try and think of something to say and keeps saying things that aren't very funny, like a Dad on Christmas. So they're running around after him and they're trying to find crystals. All of a sudden they realise the haunting truth of where they are and what they're doing.

"I've let my family down..."

One more thing, one of the other shows I watched was called 'Finders Keepers' and had Neil Buchanan, the guy from Art Attack. Just wanted to share the bit when a boy named Alex, who called himself 'the Ginger Ninja', came on and introduced himself. "I'm the boss in my house," he said, "I'm always beating up my brothers. One is FOUR AND THE OTHER ONE IS ONE AND A HALF?!?!"

This boy is a danger to society.

And then Neil went absolutely mental.

I could genuinely write about the things you see on this channel forever, you should definitely watch it. Anyway, well done for being situated on a planet that's completed one whole orbit of a star, thanks for reading, and have a Happy New Year. You deserve it.

Blog 148: Absolutely Fable-ous

It's always good to try and share wisdom and advice with our fellow people, helping them to live their lives as best they can. But sometimes people will try and teach you rubbish and disguise it up all nice as a harmless tale. People like Aesop. Sure, his fables are nice little fables with animals that can talk, and everyone loves animals that can talk. That's why you'll feel sad inside if I mention 'Babe' and 'bacon' in the same sentence. But surprise surprise, the animals in these fables often say stupid things, because they're stupid animals! Humans are meant to be cleverer than animals so I'm not sure listening to wisdom demonstrated by talking animals is a good idea.

By the way, does anyone even know who this Aesop guy is? And how does he know so much about the animal kingdom anyway? Far as I know they didn't have David Attenborough documentaries when he was around fabling.

Anyway, let's see if we can learn something.

Number 1: The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse...

Once upon a time a Town Mouse went to visit his cousin Country Mouse in the countryside. Country Mouse was rough and ready, but he loved his cousin and made him a nice meal to welcome him. They ate beans and bacon, cheese and bread - it was all he had but he let the Town Mouse have as much as he liked.

Town Mouse was a right little snob so he lifted up his long mouse nose at the food. "I don't get how you can put up with all this yob's food. Beans? BEANS? How can you eat this stuff everyday? I suppose you can't get anything better than this in the country. Tell you what, come with me, stay in town for a bit and I'll show you what you're missing. Then you'll never know how you could have put up with this grim country living." I imagine he said this in a cockney accent.

So they set off and went to Town Mouse's house. They were hungry, so Town Mouse took him into the dining room and there was a huge feast set out for them, with lots of cake and ale. They ate loads and it was all nice food. Suddenly they heard a terrifying noise, growling and barking from outside.

Country Mouse leapt out of his skin. "What on earth is that?" he yelled, in a West Country accent.
"Ah dan't warry 'bou' that mate, it's only the dogs o' the 'ouse" said Town Mouse.
"ONLY the dogs? ONLY the terrifying massive dogs? Pfft. I don't like that kinda music at my dinner."
Just then the door flung open and two huge dogs came bounding in. The mice scamper off and hide.
"See you later, cuz," said the Country Mouse.
"Where are you going?" said the Town Mouse.
"Home," said the country mouse. "Better beans and bacon in peace than cakes and ale in fear".

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? When is that advice useful? When? When's the last time you had a choice of eating nice food but being terrified the whole time or eating rubbish food? Say I take a girl for dinner (you were happy to accept mice can talk so I'm sure you can stretch your imagination here) imagine I'm taking a girl for dinner this weekend and I'm deciding where to go. I want to impress her, obviously, so I want to choose somewhere nice. That's not an actual choice I face. I don't go through various menus and say well, there's this wonderful 5 star restaurant with a gourmet superstar chef and fine wines, BUT you do have to play Russian Roulette as you eat so you're constantly being shouted at in foreign languages while being forced to hold a revolver to your head and shoot it at your temple. OR there's Maccy D's. Not the finest food, but at least it's safe. Well, better to eat Maccy D's in peace than fine 5 star food with a man holding a revolver to your face! When's that ever been an issue?

You should these Calamari dear, they're just divine!

Also, I'm not a mouse, I'm a massive human being. I'm not scared of dogs. Secondly, there's dogs in the country side too? And also foxes and badgers? And birds of prey, horses, cows, pigs, sheep, crows. It's literally a horrifying, terrifying place to be a mouse. Also, bacon is the best food ever, it definitely beats cake. Also, mice can't open a can of beans even if there's a ring pull, and they can't cook bacon. If you're trying to teach me some wisdom, Aesop, then at least do the research. You're embarrassing yourself.

And don't you roll your eyes at me.

So there's some wisdom for you from good ol' mister Aesop. Hope it helps you live your life. I'll probably do some more of these in the future. The moral of this story is, make sure you don't fall into the trap of being on your own with your computer too often, because you'll waste your time reading fables and writing blog posts about them.

If any single ladies are reading this and want to go for dinner this weekend, let me know. I know this lovely little place where the profiteroles are just to die for.

Blog 147: Need That Like A Hole In The Floor

Some of you in the UK might have read about a sink hole that just appeared in the city of St Albans recently, and it's hit me quite close to home. Literally, because I live down the road from St Albans.

It's mad - there's a street in St Albans where one day, for whatever sciencey reason, a ginormous hole just appeared in the floor. It's terrifying!

It only just missed someone's house as well. A little bit to the left and it could've swallowed up their living room. And it made me realise that NOBODY IS SAFE!

We're constantly worrying about our safety and just to add to it, now we know it's possible, in southern England, for giant holes to open up and swallow us into the floor. What if one appears under my house? Then what?

What if one just appears under my car when I'm driving? Huh? What'll happen then, huh? What if it appears under the England Rugby team on their way to the World Cup Final, then what, huh? We forfeit and the Welsh win? Again? The horror.

Even in the hard times, I'll always be there for my guys.

What if just as I ask out a woman, and by the way she's beautiful; big, shining eyes like a tiger's, hair that floats in the wind like a lava lamp, skin as soft as Andrex 'Quilts'. As I ask her to dinner, she bats her eyes and she says something like 'Michael, I've been waiting all my life for a man like you to ask me a question like that,' and she purses her soft, pink lips and leans in, and as I step closer the wind picks up like a scene from Pocahontas, the world around us blurs and darkens because this is it, this is really happening...AND THEN THE FLOOR OPENS UP AND A SINK HOLE SWALLOWS UP MY NEW GIRLFRIEND? WHAT THEN?!

And in the hard times, they're always there for me.

Something has to be done. There's lots of political talk at the moment with rumours flying around about David Cameron and a...a porcine ex of his (I'm sure it's not true but I bet when that story came out he wished the ground would open and swallow him up)...Jeremy Corbyn delivering speeches to hen parties on trains, and obviously a lot of controversy about immigration that really shouldn't be brought up on silly and ill researched blogs like mine...but I want to know, what's going to be done about these bloody sinkholes that swallowed up my girlfriend?! By the way ladies, I'm single.