Blog 52: Fatal Attractions

For some reason beyond my shallow understanding of how the universe works, there is definitely something wrong with the way I am put together and it can be seen in what happens to me on an ordinary day or night out in the beautiful city of Leeds.

One of my first big nights out on the town in Leeds was just before Halloween. Out I went with my friends, excitement was in the air... who knew what could happen that evening? You never know when a sexy model might hit on you at a bar. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Anyway, so there I was having fun, beer in my hand, when someone talks to me from behind. "Are you at uni then?"

I replied yes, turning to see a man in his fifties leaning very near to my face.

"I'm here on my son's stag" he said.

"Oh, cool, congratulations to him" I replied.

And then came the single most depressing line any man could ever hear from anyone, ever.

"You know, you could make me feel twenty years younger."

That's right. I never get hit on and when it FINALLY happens, he's too old and too penis-y.

But it gets better!

For some reason, wherever I go I manage to attract attention from the worst people in society, other than the killers and them lot, and that is the socially inept. The comic book nerds.

Now, I read comics, as I enjoy the stories, the art etc. Watchmen is my favorite book and film. HOWEVER, even though I know quite a bit about comics and the characters, I don't know the amount that most comic nerds know. And so I often find myself in awkward situations not knowing what to say to them as they talk about Invincible Iron Man issue 127 and how good the artwork was in it.

The other night I was at a bar with some friends and we were talking about the film of watchmen and I mentioned to them that I prefer the film of watchmen to the film of V for Vendetta, just as we were about to leave.

Out of nowhere came a man with long greasy tied back hair, a dirty looking beard, a metal t-shirt and a long leather jacket with big black boots: you know the type, it's the classic the-Matrix-when-they've-turned-40-and-let-themselves-go-a-bit look. And he said to me "Did you just say you prefer the film of watchmen to the graphic novel?"

"No" I said, truthfully.

And before we knew it we had entered a conversation which I didn't know much about and my friends knew even less about, in our coats, ready to leave, waiting for the opportune moment to escape the in depth comparative analysis of the characterization of Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre of the Graphic Novel and their counterparts in the film.

For some worrying reason unbeknown to me, I seem to attract these weirdos from miles apart. Why can't a pretty lady hit on me, JUST ONCE?

Blog 29: City Life

City Life is sooo wierd compared to Harpenden life...

I LOVE being so near to actual shops rather than shops that only sell chocolate or thai food. I LOVE that I can nip out the house for 30 mins and get me something from WHSmith or HMV or other chain stores. I LOVE how I have 3 Maccy D's within walking distance as well as 4 subways, and as a friend discovered, about 18 Greggs. I can walk to the cinema or walk to go bowling, or walk to PC World; all of these where options unavailable to me in Harpenden, unless I had an awful lot of time.

But of course City Life has some of its downsides. It's extremely busy, which isn't too big of a problem except it never seems to die down. It doesn't matter if it's the weekend or tuesday at 11 it always seems to be relentlessly full of people. Of course, this isn't helped by the fact that some stupid people are just to ignorant and stupid to realise how busy it is. I was walking through town making good time and I (perhaps it was my fault) unknowingly slipped down the smaller left hand lane by some cordoned off for roadworks area along the main pedestrian shopping area in Leeds. And I managed to get trapped behing not 1, but 2 REALLY fat ladies. Now, I have nothing against fat people, and some of my harsher critics would say I'm one of them, but if you're majorly fat, don't walk down the middle of an alley which is only a little wider than you are. And if there's no other option then don't walk in the middle, keep to one side so I and others can get past. And if that's still not an option then walk faster! You could do with the freakin' excercise.

So after having spent an hour walking about 60 metres, I did my shopping, headed back home and kicked around for a bit. Later on my friend from Huddersfield came to stay and in the evening we went for a wander around the town.

At night, Leeds transforms into a dark wonderland. The Macdonalds are all open and full to the brim of people who are high and have the infamous munchies. However, not a single Maccy Ds were selling McFlurries that night, which was ridiculous. In the end we got a subway, which was my first ever one incidentally...

Then there was the drug using. The really blatent obvious drug using.

In Harpenden, the drug scene is pretty bad; there are so many rich kids with nothing to do so they just get high or stoned or just drunk. Therefore its safe to say I know the whole drug thing is going on.

However I didn't expect to see someone walking around on the main high street in leeds with a tube up their nose and in a plastic bag snorting the white contents right up their nostril. It caught me completely by surprise.

Then of course there was the hallucinating man. He made me laugh. From a distance we could see this staggering middle aged man going to people and showing them his hand. As we walked by he came over and said"Look what that dog did to me hand! He bit me hand! I'm gonna punch it right in it's FACE!"

I took a sneak peak at the hand. He hadn't been bitten. Also there weren't any dogs anywhere. I don't think I've seen a dog for like 6 weeks. Dogs just don't happen in Leeds. That guy was funny.