Blog 52: Fatal Attractions

For some reason beyond my shallow understanding of how the universe works, there is definitely something wrong with the way I am put together and it can be seen in what happens to me on an ordinary day or night out in the beautiful city of Leeds.

One of my first big nights out on the town in Leeds was just before Halloween. Out I went with my friends, excitement was in the air... who knew what could happen that evening? You never know when a sexy model might hit on you at a bar. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Anyway, so there I was having fun, beer in my hand, when someone talks to me from behind. "Are you at uni then?"

I replied yes, turning to see a man in his fifties leaning very near to my face.

"I'm here on my son's stag" he said.

"Oh, cool, congratulations to him" I replied.

And then came the single most depressing line any man could ever hear from anyone, ever.

"You know, you could make me feel twenty years younger."

That's right. I never get hit on and when it FINALLY happens, he's too old and too penis-y.

But it gets better!

For some reason, wherever I go I manage to attract attention from the worst people in society, other than the killers and them lot, and that is the socially inept. The comic book nerds.

Now, I read comics, as I enjoy the stories, the art etc. Watchmen is my favorite book and film. HOWEVER, even though I know quite a bit about comics and the characters, I don't know the amount that most comic nerds know. And so I often find myself in awkward situations not knowing what to say to them as they talk about Invincible Iron Man issue 127 and how good the artwork was in it.

The other night I was at a bar with some friends and we were talking about the film of watchmen and I mentioned to them that I prefer the film of watchmen to the film of V for Vendetta, just as we were about to leave.

Out of nowhere came a man with long greasy tied back hair, a dirty looking beard, a metal t-shirt and a long leather jacket with big black boots: you know the type, it's the classic the-Matrix-when-they've-turned-40-and-let-themselves-go-a-bit look. And he said to me "Did you just say you prefer the film of watchmen to the graphic novel?"

"No" I said, truthfully.

And before we knew it we had entered a conversation which I didn't know much about and my friends knew even less about, in our coats, ready to leave, waiting for the opportune moment to escape the in depth comparative analysis of the characterization of Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre of the Graphic Novel and their counterparts in the film.

For some worrying reason unbeknown to me, I seem to attract these weirdos from miles apart. Why can't a pretty lady hit on me, JUST ONCE?

Blog 51: A New Craze?

It's like Twitter, except this time I found it before it became massive! (with help from a friend)

IT'S FORMSPRING.ME! YES! So now you can ask me questions about myself, life, the world, the UNIVERSE...

WHO KNOWS WHAT QUESTIONS LIE OUT THERE.

I look forward to them.

Blog 50: THE BIG FIVE OH!!!

CRAP I FORGOT TO DO IT ON NEW YEAR...

Happy 2010 everyone :/ and Happy 50th MY BLOG

xx

Blog 49: An Enemies List

The other day I made myself an enemies list, of all my enemies.

And here they are:

1) The Queen: she sits there all day and does nothing and gets all our taxes. She's not even good for tourism like people say she is. If they wanted a tourist attraction then invest in a theme park or something, not an old lady. I certainly am NOT going to waste an hour of my christmas listening to her speech.

2) Nick Hall: I can't remember which paper its in but there's a game where you use the picture clues to construct a word and there are several each day, and they have a common theme. The other day I managed to find the theme was the 12 days of christmas song, but one of them puzzled me and I couldn't figure it out.

Turns out it was "Pear Tree Partridge", rather than "a partridge in a pear tree". And it was made by NICK HALL.

3) Some guy called Hwoarang. He kept beating me up on Tekken when I was at my friend's house yesterday. He is my worst of all the enemies.

Blog 48: Hypocrisy

This is the stupidest Blog Post yet: a rant about myself.

I just read my 3rd blog post about people not being happy and moaning all the time.

And then I saw the other 47 Blog Posts, all moaning about something.

Ha.

I'm an idiot.

Still, 47 Vs 1, I guess that means I get to keep moaning.

Blog 47: Unreasonable Tormenting

WHY is frape such a massive craze now?

Frape, or "facebook rape" is when someone goes on your facebook account and writes things under the false pretence that they are you: they might write in your status or on other people's walls. Common things to write are either bigging the frapers status up (John is Amazing, I love John, etc) or might write something more condemning (there's nothing better than someone else's nice big willy).

The former is a stupid idea to be honest. I mean, you wouldn't do graffiti and write "I AM MICHAEL PASQUALE AND I LIVE AT....etc etc. That's just stupid. Just like if you did a murder you wouldn't just leave a note saying who did it. It's stupid. You're asking for trouble.

But I'd rather be fraped by someone bigging themself up than putting me down. John's actually alright, so if people think i think John is amazing, then fine, fair enough. But if people all of a sudden thought I enjoyed eating breakfast off of a spanish man's chest, then my whole life could change.

Another issue with Frape is that there's no law against it. People who are fraped are offered no protection by the British police at all. If John writes on my status "Chickens get me going" then he gets away with it, but if I fraudulently stole some money from John's bank account then I'd be done for. I'd rather people nicked money: i have none in there anyway.

The good news is that I've never been fraped. The bad news is that people reading this that know me, (which I THINK is basically all twelve of you) are now going to be always watching, waiting to pounce on my open laptop as soon as my attention is diverted, and then just go MENTAL on my facebook account.

Closest I ever came was last night. Someone EVIL shut her laptop whilst I was on facebook and promised they'd frape me later. I managed to get her phone as collateral to try and negotiate but that was a bad idea as I ended up on my knees with my hair being violently pulled in an attempt to get to my brain for even more leverage to get the phone back. I also received various scars from pinching on my right arm. Nevertheless I resisted and eventually managed to get her to let her guard down whilst on my account, attempting to frape me. That's when I picked the wrongdo-er up and moved them so I could log out of facebook, no harm done.

Anyway, for those who wish to frape me in future, this is your warning. I will write things about you on my blog: nasty things.

And be warned, TWELVE PEOPLE READ THIS.

Blog 46: What To Write About?

I made some promises in my last blog post and I still think it would be well nice to get to 50 posts on New Year's Eve, but I actually have NOTHING to write about, so expect some filler type stuff that's not particularly great for a bit...
I watched the Notebook last night (or some of it). The person I watched it with, called Kathi, promised I'd want to turn it off after 15 minutes and I thought "no I'll give it a fair chance I'll watch the whole thing and judge fairly at the end".
After 15 minutes I wanted to turn it off. It was rubbish. I literally DID NOT CARE what happened to those two people AT ALL.
In fairness I didn't know what was going on 'cos fortunately kathi was there to talk to me; if I'd watched that much of that film on my own I would literally be dead right now, on the student sofa in my student flat, dribbling blood out the side of my mouth and with my lungs and kidneys coughed up on the floor in the corner. I really didn't like that film.
The only bits I remember from it is two old people and a fat lady in hospital, then a man lying in the road and having to run out the way of a truck (who made no attempt to slow down, which was interesting, cos I would've sped up if i knew the film coulda ended sooner) and the couple nearly having sex in a cobweb house and then two people doing a synchronized dive when being hit by a bomb. I also remember a man who had a surfboard tied to his back asking a nurse out, and I remember he said "You should know, I'm a good dancer and my intentions are completely dishonorable." Sorry half burnt cadaver boy but you ain't gonna score by telling a normal girl that you wanna go out with her purely for sex, especially when you're mostly made of bandage.
Then I remember the other man builds a nice house, and she gets proposed to by the cadaver man when he's better, who's played by cyclops from x-men, and then there's a really cool jazz guy on the stage scatting, and then I remember getting quite angry and going "I REALLY DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS" and so we watched the beginning of Blade (which is really cool, despite being basically rubbish) and then a bit of the Mighty Boosh Live.
That's my review of the Notebook.