Blog 133: Snow Friend of Mine

Oh my word, I cannot believe I haven't blogged about this yet. Some of you may notice I used to blog a lot more than I do more recently. Maybe that's because I'm out of those awkward teenage years where I was terrified of talking to girls, or well, anyone, and how everything I said had to be carefully thought out for several days or weeks before...maybe years. There's girls out there who will testify to that. Or maybe it's because, oh I don't know, I've got a job and all of a sudden my life isn't a doss anymore, and any spare time I get I don't want to be sat at a computer moaning but in my bed or in the cinema or in the pub.

But genuinely, and here's a nice thought, I just think I'm a happier person. I think less things genuinely wind me up anymore. I still moan and rant around friends, but I'm usually joking and it's more because I like moaning rather than from genuine annoyance. To be honest, there's not many things that go on anymore that I wake up to and make me genuinely really annoyed.

But there is one thing.
And that's snow.

Snow is like one of those people who are absolutely brilliant when you first get to know them; they're interesting, they're different, they're exciting, fun, maybe even romantically intriguing. And I'd be the first to admit that a few years ago I used to love snow. Waking up to see snow lying there was always a great and magical moment. Snow was beautiful, snow was worth staying at home for. All I wanted to do was spend time with snow (I'm deliberately trying to dodge innuendo here - it'd be too easy to talk about how great it is to play with the snow or spend time in the snow or even make a snow man but I'd rather convey a purer love for the magic white powder). Of course, indirectly - snow meant no school, which was great, but even snow just in itself was something I truly loved.

But then the last few years, snow has become far too familiar. I'd wake up and there was snow. Snow which got in the way of work, of seeing other friends, of going out to places other than my house. Snow which meant things like jogging and going to the cinema were things that became far too irregular for my liking (ok, maybe not jogging). It began to affect my social life, my work life, and my enjoyment of all life. And that's when I realised I'd falled out of love with snow.

But now it won't go away. I'm waking up in March to find it's snowing like a maniac outside. To carry on the analogy it's like having a stalker, and then moving to Turkey to escape the stalker only to wake up one morning in Turkey and there's the stalker dancing naked like a maniac outside your window. And it's just not fun anymore.

Truth is I got fed up a couple of years ago when we had 4 snow days in one week. Day one, brilliant, went mad in the snow. Day 2, ok, played in the snow a bit then went inside. Day 3 and 4, just spent the days at home, guiltily wishing for school to start again.

And then the next year, snow got annoying at university, and starting playing havoc with me trying to get back up there by train.

And this year it went mad for ages, ruined work, then went away, tried to come back and ruin my birthday (and nearly bloody did - but thank goodness for determined friends - especially Trev, who deserves a mention for flipping off the snow in a bombastic car journey from Warwick to Leeds just to celebrate my 22nd) and now it's just coming back every now and then to wind me up. Yesterday afternoon, arriving back from London with a stinking cold and shivers because I was an idiot and 'too macho for a jumper' the night before, and then the snow came to try and kill me off at my weakest. And now this morning, there she is, mocking me as she falls from the sky. Look at you, she says, you wished me away and now you're all alone at your desk blogging and I'm outside having all this lovely fun. Snow is a right cow.

I really hope this isn't what marriage is like.

Blog 132: Channeled Aggression

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and was pretty annoyed, so didn't publish it. It's never a good idea to publish something you've just written in a foul mood. So instead I waited until I was feeling a bit more cheerful and published it anyway...enjoy!

So I've had a bit of a manic week. I bought a new computer, and without 'slandering' the make (although if i was to say that it didn't work, it would just be truth) after spending over £1000 on a computer and finding it didn't work, and after spending every waking minute on the phone to my ISP, the place I bought it from, and the people who made it, let's just say when it's still just a glorified CD player (new computers don't even have CD drives so I can't even watch a DVD on the damn thing) I was feeling a little bit like everything in the world could and should me my own personal punching bag.

Let's just say my phone is better than my super duper top of the range computer at the moment. And I won't tell you what computer it is, but if you have ever read the story of the Garden of Eden, you'll know that this isn't the first time that this (or a similarly named) product has led to all hell breaking loose.

So imagine, I'm in a foul mood, I've packed up the computer ready to take it back, I've had several annoying phonecalls (all week, but loads this morning too) with cheeky sods who sarcastically ask if I'm Mrs Pasquale, and I finally have to accept that for the time being I'm going to have to sit and do work on my really out of date family computer, which basically doesn't work (although still works better than the new one...grrrr).

So I will begin by apologising to the people who write for this thing that plasters itself all over my facebook called 'Independent Voices'. I get that basically, we're the same. We both sit in front of computers, getting angry at anything, and then write sarcastic little articles about it all day and put it up for anyone to see. I mean, I don't force it down QUITE as many people's throats - people can read it if they want, but they're not teased in with catchy headlines. They also don't read it under the pretense that it is a newspaper article, just to find out it is some middle aged old bag who's just angry at Jeremy Clarkson BASICALLY because she's STILL single and her cats aren't giving her the satisfaction she so desires. So there are differences; subtle yes, but differences none the less. And let's not forget they probably didn't have their new computer delivered last week to be on their desk doing nothing more than being broken. But basically I get that this might be slightly hypocritical.

Basically though, I really don't care. I don't care if Ms (let's be honest, miss) I. ProbablyCan'tSayHerName hates Jeremy Clarkson. I don't care if he's on her tele and she'd rather watch Loose Women or some other dreadful 'hey look we can be funny even though we're middle aged and not funny!' show. But basically, just because Jeremy Clarkson said a car looks like a person with facial growths, doesn't mean I care, or want him off the tele.

The article is about Jeremy saying controversial stuff and how the BBC are too scared to stand up to him. But let's be honest, no they're not. They're loving it. Because he says something a bit iffy, and the internet lights up with talk of Jeremy Clarkson and the BBC and Top Gear and all of a sudden, Ms Won'tBeNamed isn't an independent voice but indirectly working for BBC's marketing division. That's why they don't stand up to him; because he inspires people with nothing better to do to write all sorts and advertise their shows for free. So shut up.

I'm not even gonna start on how that's hardly the worst thing said on television. It's not insulting anyone specifically and if you've got a facial growth and you're offended then sorry, but maybe don't watch Jeremy Clarkson - there are literally thousands of channels to watch. Just don't watch him. Seriously don't. I can't understand how people can get this fed up over one man saying something potentially offensive when there's so much going on in the world that's a trazillion times worse. And don't point out that I didn't have to read her article, I clicked something ages ago that means the independent fires stuff at me on facebook and also in the top right corner of my browser window and have absolutely no idea how to turn them off.

I feel bad cos I've gone mental at poor Ms. Unnamed but it's not just her. There's tonnes of these Independent voices, who think everyone wants to know what they're saying and everyone should listen to them because they're somehow enlightened because they write for the independent website (even though it's only the comments section). There are some that write there and they think they're funny, and they're the worst. To her credit, at least Ms. CantBeNamed didn't try and be funny. I've read several others who find themselves hilarious and write under the guise of irony or sarcasm but clearly don't understand what they are and they are just annoying.

Man, I was annoyed that day. Good news is the computer's working all nice.

Blog 131: The Ad Dominizer, Part 4

Back again with more adverts that well annoy me. I wrote this about half a year ago, so sorry if it's a teeny bit out of date, but I figured I haven't written anything for ages so should probably publish something. Here's what you get.

16) The underdog one with Joe Pasquale, misuser of a brilliant surname. "Remember me?" Yes, you're that twonky 'comedian' with the worst voice in the world. That annoys me.

17) Ones for women's hygeine products. If all that really does have to happen, could you just not bring attention to it so I can carry on my lovely naive life. Ignorance truly is bliss.

18) "I don't really know how to put this." "I'm a bit worried" "Something has not been right for weeks". Make your minds up about what these people are most likely talking about...NOW. What did you think? I thought it sounded like people considering divorce or breaking up. "There's always a bit of...blood"...Huh? A slightly violent relationship? "Always loose...really loose..." Umm... "Blood in your poo or going more often with looser poo are often signs of bowel cancer"



That's the end for now. But it's not all bad. I like the Maccy D ads, the Guardian's 3 little pigs ad, Cadbury ads, the Skittles one where the guy can't touch anything. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not entirely filled with hate.

Blog 130: The Ad Dominizer, Part 3

Back to adverts that proper wind me up

11) The Sainsbury's/EasyJet one where the confused man is confronted by questions usually only heard in the context of an airport, but in Sainsbury's. It winds me up because 1) if he's so confused, why doesn't he just ask what's going on and 2) his lips are far too pink to genuinely belong to his face.

12) The Foxy Bingo ads either side of Jeremy Kyle... I'm sure I've done this one before at some point, but there's too much awkward silence in those ads, and between the silences and the winks that the fox does and when he asks "are you a foxy lady?" it just kinda becomes a little bit creepy, like perve creepy. A dirty pervy little fox. Yukk.

13) PPI ads. I really don't care. Plus one of them's got a guy in it that looks too much like the Jack Davenport, the actor who plays Norrington from Pirates of the Carribean or the questionnably named assistant to the baddy in the Boat that Rocked (Good film).

14) Urgh, there's sooo many bad adverts. The Sun's one with the 'The Sun will come out tomorrow' song from Annie. This one's actually not too bad, it annoys me because when it came out and I saw it for the first time I was captured by it and sat there wondering to myself who it's for, trying to think through big brands..."hmmm, who's going to bring out the Sun tomorrow with their products?" and then it's the Sun. It's so obvious and it made me realise how dumb I am. So, even though it's quite good, I don't like it.

15) "If you feel you have to go to the toilet too often" Yeahhh I'm trying to eat lunch.

More to come...

Blog 129: The Ad Dominizer, Part 2

Here's some more of those pesky crappy adverts that wind me up... if you're gonna waste my time, at least do it well.

6. Adverts where the child tells the parent not to eat something but then the parents get caught out eating it and the child disapproves. Currently this has taken the form of an ad for oreos. You're her dad, put your foot down. If you wanna be up late eating oreos, you can. If she wants to be up past 9, tough luck, she can't. She sits around drawing stick pictures of you, which are frankly unflattering, while you're at work earning the money that pays for her to 'go to school' and 'learn'. Tell her off, and stop buying her oreos if she gets cheeky.

7. Similarly, the one for bread pockets... I'm not sure if its Hovis or not, but it's basically a pocket of bread which you put stuff in. Quite a good idea, although it's completely pointless and obviously would be stupidly expensive what it is: really thin, plastickey bread. But anyway, the advert's different. It's basically a teenage girl's eating sandwhiches, of all things, late at night and her dad comes down. And then instead of the realistic "AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN?" "Ohhh shuut uppp dad, I can do what I like, i'm 16 years old now, stop treating me like a child" "WELL I'LL STOP TREATING YOU LIKE A CHILD WHEN YOU STOP ACTING LIKE ONE" "Oh leave me alone, I'm going to Trent's house" "NO YOU'RE BLOODY NOT, YOU'RE GOING TO YOUR ROOM, AND WHO THE BLOODY HECK'S TRENT?!" "He's a really nice guy, actually" "WELL I DOUBT IT IF HE'S DATING MY DAUGHTER" "Sigh, huff, stompy shoe, throws sandwhich in bin violently and slams door" "AND DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO THE PROM NEXT WEEK, YOU'RE GROUNDED"...woah sorry there, I got a bit trapped in my own psyche... Anyway, instead of all that realistic stuff what happens when you're up late eating...not sandwhiches but like, chocolate or biscuits, let's be honest...instead of all that, THIS teenage girl stands in the kitchen talking like it's a professional pitch about how these bread pockets are really good because they're tasty, healthy, etc. As if.

8. The muller one with people singing that song that's on EVERY advert "i got my something got my something," you know the one. Except this time it's not a professional singer singing it, it's mediocre singers singing it, and singing different words to show the flavours of muller. "I got my apples got my blueberries" etc. Obviously, the word blueberries doesn't have only one syllable in, so it doesn't really scan, this song. It's very clumsy. And it's made a hundred times worse by the woman who sings, and this is no joke, "I've got my cherry". Before the watershed.

9. Ads for Supersize v Superskinny... this is kind of an attack on the whole show to be honest. When I heard the name of that I thought I'd be watching a really fat woman beat the heck out of some twiggy little man. When I saw what it actually was, I wasn't angry, just disappointed. Very disappointed.

10. The Trivago ad. Basically, the idea is go on their webby and you can get cheap deals on Hotel. They demonstrate with split screen showing different hotels. One with a gorgeous dark haired woman in a black bikini, and another of an aging overweight man in a rubber ring with a stupid hat on. But the main difference? One hotel was £115, the other was £78. But they don't seem to realise that I don't want to go to a hotel with an awful loud overly-typical 'Brit' in a rubber ring. By that logic I'll just go on Coach trip. Yeah, you spend the entire time with some of the worst people ever, but hey, it's cheaper. So basically, their ad doesn't work. By the way, if anyone knows the lady on that advert can you give her my number, thanks.

Blog 128: The Ad Dominizer, Part 1

While doing my dissertation, I get a lot of time sat in the lounge, typing up stuff with rubbish tele on. And of course, bad tele is complimented with bad ad's. So here's some of my fave's:

1. The one that tries to encourage you to quit smoking by convincing you that to do it, you need the right tools. (No, you just need to stop smoking.) But it does this using a visual metaphor of a man trying to clean a window with a trampoline instead of a ladder. But at the end he's got a ladder and he can clean the window. But the trampoline definitely looks more fun, plus he's managing to do it. Lesson? There is no difference to a life time smoking and a life time not smoking, other than the first one is way more fun.

2. The one for a program which looks Hannah Montana-ish but it's called Tori Locked Up or something, and it's basically about some kids that get into prison but don't worry, they can dance and sing! So they'll get out. Lesson? Go mental, get in prison, it's fine. Literally nothing bad in prison. You won't get sexually assaulted or beat up, you'll have a lovely time and plenty of opportunities to sing and dance, and if you're good at it (you will be, you'll have tonnes of practice plus you're young and attractive) you'll even get out free. And it's not like the guy you murders got a family that'll hate you still after putting on such a good show.

3. The one where a dog humps the E4 sign. Literally, nothing about a dog humping the logo makes that company more appealing. It's pointless. It's not even a real dog, dogs are horny as hell, why couldn't they have done it properly rather than with crappy graphics.

4. The uneccessarily grim Aviva life insurance one. Everyone knows what Life Insurance is for. There is literally no need to bring all the grim bit when the little girl goes "I miss daddy" into it. I'm sure she does, but I'm halfway through episodes of The Big Bang Theory, and as much as I like that program, it's nowhere near funny enough to cheer me up after watching the Aviva ad.

5. Adverts that have a list of logos of the shops where you can buy that product at the end, usually cleaning items. Come on guys, it's not the 90s.

Blog 127: Media Madness

On the Independent's website today I saw this headline: "Father, 11, hides as pregnant girl faces the media".

YOU ARE THE MEDIA! Don't turn on some poor 11 year old who's ONLY 11 because he's hiding, as kids do, whilst the pregnant mother has to face the inevitable media alone. What about leaving them both alone, you ever think of that?

Other bits in this article that wound me up:

"Six weeks on, they [her parents] have adjusted to the news and are impressed by the way the youngsters have handled the situation." So apparently breaking the law and getting pregnant at 15 is 'impressive'.

"Sean's mother, Theresa, is said to be unhappy with the situation." Really? You mean his mum thinks her 11 year old son being a Dad isn't an ideal situation? I thought the news is meant to tell us stuff we don't know.

"She reportedly said, before disappearing to an unknown address: "He [Sean] is only a child. He doesn't really understand what is going on. This has put him under tremendous pressure. She [Emma] is much more mature and experienced than him, and I worry as any mother would.""

Um...she's only 15, she's not THAT much mature and experienced than him. Bloody hell. Although, to be fair, at 11, Sean is now much more experienced than me.