Blog 58: Baby Showers

My friends found a site recently where you can make babies with pictures of yourself and celebrities. I decided to go on just to prove once and for all that ed cullen is better than jacob. Here are the results. The first is mine and edward's, a gorgeous baby, reminiscent of an angel from heaven. The second is mine and jacob's. Lets just say I didn't like it as much. So I did an abortion, even though technically, it was a bit too late for one.




ANYHOO as I became more and more captivated with this gadget I decided to go on a quest to find which celebrity could provide me with the most attractive baby. This post is mainly pictures of all my gorgeous and fictitious children.

Me and Jacko:

Me and the chinese one off Charlie's Angels...

Me and Neo:

Follow the white rabbit Neo...

Me and Batman's Batbaby:

The First Baby:

Me and Angelina Jolie's Baby:

Interesting...

Blog 57: Psychological Mindset

I've been thinking about my lifestyle recently and I'm now a bit worried about my mental health.

As I write this I am sitting on an opened up sleeping bag with a duvet and two pillows, which is where I have slept for the past two nights. However, my laptop is perched on a perfectly good mattress which has been serving as my bedside table for that time.

Every now and then I scuttle outside of my bedroom, bearing in mind I haven't washed since yesterday morning, and I haven't been outside in the fresh air since 11 o clock yesterday, and I run into the kitchen to get some food and then run back and watch South Park or Star Wars or Ghostbusters.

It reminded me of the time over Christmas when my family went to Italy leaving me alone at home, and how then I brought everything I would need or want in that week into the living room and set up base camp on my sofa.

I'm worried because that's probably not normal behavior for a human being. It's the sort of thing that lower forms of life do, the sort of animals you find towards the lower end of the food chain. I'm a creature; I establish a nest, and then leave the nest every now and then to forage for scraps which I bring back to the nest and consume there, making sure all the while that I'm not spotted by predators.

I think I should get some help...

Blog 56: New Doom

This is a follow up from my blog post about Twilight, and it's a blog post about new moon.


New moon is similar to twilight, except really loads more rubbish. After having watched it last night I find myself in dire need of someone who can explain what events actually happen in the film, and why they were important enough to have a movie made out of them. As far as I can tell, the only things that happen is that Jacob takes his shirt off, and then we find out he's a wolf. Amongst all this, we find Bella going mental and throwing herself off cliffs or driving motorbikes into logs really fast, and we also see Edward "Sullen" looking moody, staring at the floor just to the left of the camera, in basically every shot that he's in. And considering he's the only sort of half decent actor in the film, he wasn't in very many shots.



We see many more orgasms from Bella, although many of them seem to be sad orgasms, which are just confusing, and also I realised that one of her eyebrows is wonky, almost as if she shaved it off and had to have it painted on. More and more evidence that Bella definately should not be allowed in films, let alone most of life.



More annoyingly is how Edward and Jacob can go around doing whatever they like. The amount of times Edward or Jacob just go into Bella's room even if she isn't there and just stand there is incredible. I wonder what Edward's doing in there when Bella stumbles in and finds him in the shadows standing in her room, just looking off to the left, morosely. Jacob runs around everywhere without a shirt like he's just stopped being the hulk, and YES he has a nice body but his face does look about 12, and that's just wierd. Not to mention, I have never ONCE used a t shirt to clean blood off someone, or even myself. I just find something called a tissue and use it to clean the blood, or maybe some water, but apparently Jacob isn't familiar with these concepts and...oh look he's got his shirt off again. However, it does make me chuckle when Bella finds him staggering around without a shirt and realises he's cut his hair and got a tattoo, and goes to talk to him. Does she not find it odd that 4 other blokes without shirts are waving at him from the woods going "oooh Jacob!" Most people's reaction to that wouldn't be "Oh he's probably a werewolf." Most people would think "Oh he's GAY."



My favourite part of the film is when the wierd guy at school tries to muscle in on Ed's girl and asks Bella to the movies. The film names sound like they've been made up by the actors on the spot. There has never been a film called anything like "Love spelled backwards is Love" and there never will be, because love spelled backwards is clearly evol. And that isn't even a real word. HOWEVER, at the cinema, I do rather wish they'd turn the camera around so I can watch all the action that's going down in the latest Face Punch movie. That sounds like a good movie. Maybe people will invest in Face Punch II: The Puncheoning instead of the next twilight movie.

Blog 55: Newfangled Hobby

I've invented a new craze! Writing on envelopes! It's the new best thing to happen to everyone and anyone, EVER.

So it's your friends birthday, and you write their card, and put it in an envelope, then write their name on it and give it to them. That's all very well, but if it was YOUR birthday, wouldn't you much rather receive a glorious orgy of letters writhing on your envelope full of interesting facts, figures, quotes, definitions, short stories and images? Why have a plain envelope with just your name written on when you could have an amalgamation of all the creative forms of writing, be it fictional or non-fictional, jostling for importance upon your envelope in the hope that they might be the most impressive "proser" on your page?

So I urge all of you, my loyal 13 followers (yes, we've grown by one!) to begin writing on your envelopes and sending illustrious and magnificent messages out there to the entire globe, which awaits eagerly with the baited breath and yearning of a newly formed butterfly anticipating its triumphant expulsion from the cocoon prison which stifles it with its fascistic habits.

Blog 54: Die-light

Everyone makes mistakes. Some people get carried away in the moment and next thing you know, they have a baby. Some people push someone over and accidentally cause that person to die. However, I made the mistake of all mistakes. I watched Twilight.

NOW as a film, twilight isn't that bad. There was just one thing which annoyed me about the film. And that is, that twilight is a really really bad film.

The director made some classic errors. The first mistake was agreeing to make the film. The second mistake was relying on technology used in 1970s spiderman movies to portray how good Edward is at climbing trees. The third was deciding to choose really bad actors to play characters such as Bella, and everyone else in the film.

I mean, Bella was rubbish. Other than the fact that she seems to be constantly having an orgasm somehow against her will, she is the most annoying person I have ever not-met but seen on a film. Surely someone who went to acting school knows about what emotion is, but for some reason she doesn't seem to get it. More annoyingly is how every girl's fantasy guy keeps making moves on her, and she just sits there being constantly on her period and being all moody. The best bit of the film was when she got her leg broke, and even that was ruined cos she was in it.

What was really the disease ridden cherry which was vomited back up on the 5 year old cake was when my friend's flat mates returned, they decided they wanted to watch Twilight. So yes, I watched Twilight twice in a row. I don't even do that with good films, so by the end of two twilight sessions, I literally just wanted to die.

In the emotionless, android-like, monotonous words of Bella herself (sort of), "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying instead of watching twilight seems like a good way to go."

Blog 53: Patterns and Dull-ture

My second term at university introduced a new module called "Patterns and Culture". Bear in mind that this is a Graphic and Communication Design course when I tell you our first lecture was all about cave paintings.

I'm writing this whilst/instead of a journal I'm meant to be keeping on the lectures as they go. Each week I'm MEANT to write 450/500 words about how the material we studied in the lecture is significant, or relevant, to me. Each week I return home and furiously study the notes (for about 12 seconds) frantically searching for anything which is relevant to me.

Now it's hard enough seeing the relevance of a painting by Michelangelo to Graphic Design, but when someone tries to tell you how important cave paintings are on the world of art today, I'm sorry, but they're just wrong. I'm not denying that they're fascinating to look at, or that it's incredible how they have been preserved all this time and are still in amazing condition and can even tell us something about the culture of the cave dwellers, because they do all those things. HOWEVER, they are basically just some doodles by someone who didn't have some paper and a biro handy. Most of them are pictures of animals, and they're not particularly good ones either. There is basically nothing that a Graphic Designer could learn from them. If I wanted to draw on a wall, I'm pretty sure I could figure it out. If I wanted to draw an animal, I'd ask someone who is good at it rather than a caveman, who, by the way, is dead.

I reckon if a prehistoric neanderthal could figure out how to paint on walls, then give me enough time, I might just be able to do it on my own.

To top if off, in a crit session today, my course tutor decided it was completely ok to keep the session going for an HOUR longer than it's meant to, bringing the grand total to 4 hours, or one sixth of a day. FOUR WHOLE FREAKING HOURS.

Nice to see I'm back to my old grumpy self.