Blog 56: New Doom

This is a follow up from my blog post about Twilight, and it's a blog post about new moon.


New moon is similar to twilight, except really loads more rubbish. After having watched it last night I find myself in dire need of someone who can explain what events actually happen in the film, and why they were important enough to have a movie made out of them. As far as I can tell, the only things that happen is that Jacob takes his shirt off, and then we find out he's a wolf. Amongst all this, we find Bella going mental and throwing herself off cliffs or driving motorbikes into logs really fast, and we also see Edward "Sullen" looking moody, staring at the floor just to the left of the camera, in basically every shot that he's in. And considering he's the only sort of half decent actor in the film, he wasn't in very many shots.



We see many more orgasms from Bella, although many of them seem to be sad orgasms, which are just confusing, and also I realised that one of her eyebrows is wonky, almost as if she shaved it off and had to have it painted on. More and more evidence that Bella definately should not be allowed in films, let alone most of life.



More annoyingly is how Edward and Jacob can go around doing whatever they like. The amount of times Edward or Jacob just go into Bella's room even if she isn't there and just stand there is incredible. I wonder what Edward's doing in there when Bella stumbles in and finds him in the shadows standing in her room, just looking off to the left, morosely. Jacob runs around everywhere without a shirt like he's just stopped being the hulk, and YES he has a nice body but his face does look about 12, and that's just wierd. Not to mention, I have never ONCE used a t shirt to clean blood off someone, or even myself. I just find something called a tissue and use it to clean the blood, or maybe some water, but apparently Jacob isn't familiar with these concepts and...oh look he's got his shirt off again. However, it does make me chuckle when Bella finds him staggering around without a shirt and realises he's cut his hair and got a tattoo, and goes to talk to him. Does she not find it odd that 4 other blokes without shirts are waving at him from the woods going "oooh Jacob!" Most people's reaction to that wouldn't be "Oh he's probably a werewolf." Most people would think "Oh he's GAY."



My favourite part of the film is when the wierd guy at school tries to muscle in on Ed's girl and asks Bella to the movies. The film names sound like they've been made up by the actors on the spot. There has never been a film called anything like "Love spelled backwards is Love" and there never will be, because love spelled backwards is clearly evol. And that isn't even a real word. HOWEVER, at the cinema, I do rather wish they'd turn the camera around so I can watch all the action that's going down in the latest Face Punch movie. That sounds like a good movie. Maybe people will invest in Face Punch II: The Puncheoning instead of the next twilight movie.

Blog 54: Die-light

Everyone makes mistakes. Some people get carried away in the moment and next thing you know, they have a baby. Some people push someone over and accidentally cause that person to die. However, I made the mistake of all mistakes. I watched Twilight.

NOW as a film, twilight isn't that bad. There was just one thing which annoyed me about the film. And that is, that twilight is a really really bad film.

The director made some classic errors. The first mistake was agreeing to make the film. The second mistake was relying on technology used in 1970s spiderman movies to portray how good Edward is at climbing trees. The third was deciding to choose really bad actors to play characters such as Bella, and everyone else in the film.

I mean, Bella was rubbish. Other than the fact that she seems to be constantly having an orgasm somehow against her will, she is the most annoying person I have ever not-met but seen on a film. Surely someone who went to acting school knows about what emotion is, but for some reason she doesn't seem to get it. More annoyingly is how every girl's fantasy guy keeps making moves on her, and she just sits there being constantly on her period and being all moody. The best bit of the film was when she got her leg broke, and even that was ruined cos she was in it.

What was really the disease ridden cherry which was vomited back up on the 5 year old cake was when my friend's flat mates returned, they decided they wanted to watch Twilight. So yes, I watched Twilight twice in a row. I don't even do that with good films, so by the end of two twilight sessions, I literally just wanted to die.

In the emotionless, android-like, monotonous words of Bella herself (sort of), "I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying instead of watching twilight seems like a good way to go."