Blog 134: Cinemagic? Cinemadness.

I bought a CineWorld unlimited card in September, and I've been going to the cinema loads since then, so I'm majorly surprised that it's taken me this long to experience and moan about nightmare co-cine-goers. Up until today, I think the worst experience was with a fat couple who came to see Ted on a date (to be fair, I was alone while they had each other so maybe they're doing something right). And that wasn't all that bad, after about 10 minutes into the film I got used to the scrunching of crisps, the heavy breathing and even the occasional loud and rumbling bum tremors.

But today I had a horrific time at the cinema, and it's not because I was watching the new evil dead movie. The other people in the cinema, by which I mean one other guy really, was a nightmare.

So the film wasn't that great, and I wasn't expecting it to be. It was an ordinary horror movie, not like your Silence of the Lambs or anything legendary, just a bog standard gory film with lots of blood and screaming. And I get that you don't need to be able to sit there and watch it properly, hanging off every word like you might watch movies like Lincoln or other Oscar winners. But still, people have paid good, hard earned money to see it, and so whatever your opinion on the movie, they might actually want to watch it properly and you should have respect. And I'd like to think that meant not eating really noisy foods like popcorn, but we'll forgo that because for some reason it's become traditional to eat crunchy snacks in cinemas.

But it should definitely mean you don't talk to your mates really loudly all the way through, like some were doing. But even worse was the guy who came in on his own.

Before I get him, I should make it clear I was there on my own, so I don't mind that.

I did mind how he strolled in with his 'trendy' fedora hat, which looked a bit out of place in a dark inside room, but said 'Hey look at me, everyone, look! I come to the cinema on my own but it's ok because I wear a fedora. Like a trendy person!' In he struts, looking excited for the film, looking proud with his coca cola and popcorn and his favourite metal band displayed all over his chest like a nippled screensaver. In he came and he sat down in the row in front.

The film starts up, there's a violent scene at the beginning then in comes the cliche'd horror cast of some teenagers into the cliche'd cabin in some nondescript wooded area and basically, one gets possessed by an evil and randy tree and then proceeds to kill everyone else. It was very gory, with people getting stabbed, limbs being chopped/torn off, faces being sliced off with bits of mirror, nail guns going through arms and legs and much more besides - there's both a machete AND a chainsaw involved in the last 10 minutes, for example.

So lots of people dying lots of gory deaths, and most people are sat in there, some kinda shouting in horror at nasty bits, some, like myself, quietly sat in the corner, occasionally flinching or jumping, and then Mr Rat Pack, Mr Metal Michael Jackson with his hat, well he was laughing. Really loudly, at all the gory dying bits. It's like he wanted to prove to everyone 'Look guys, I'm aware that this is a horror movie and all the trailers are saying it's really scary and terrifying but I'm definitely one hundred percent not scared. If anything, I find it pleasantly tickling when she has to sever most of her arm off with an electric knife and then let gravity pull the rest off.' It was REALLY annoying. I'm sure he wasn't scared, I'm sure he's always watching the old horror movies and has never been scared of anything ever, which is great. But I don't care and I don't want to know.

AND EVEN WORSE, he then decides to do a running commentary on the film. Now remember, there's another guy with his mate and they're talking incessantly throughout the movie, which is bad enough. But THIS guy, Frankie Fedora, he starts talking, and he's not even WITH anyone! He just decides to announce to the entire room his every thought about why the movie wouldn't work. When one character gets stabbed, shot with a nail gun about 30 times and then has his head smashed in with a crowbar (it really was a overly gory film) but then comes back to save the main character, here's Horror Movie Fan Number 1 "AHAHAHA, how is he still standing?" JUST SHUT UP. I can see it's not a realistic movie. I managed to work that out from the trailer, and even though I am quite a bright spark, I'm sure the rest of the cinema knew their lounge hadn't got massive, really dark, full of chairs and some strangers and they were watching the 10 o clock news. I really have no intention of listening to the inane chatter from someone with more crap spewing from their fedora-clad head than the evil vomiting demon in the film.

It's not the best movie ever. It's pretty terrible, in my opinion. But 100% I will always rather watch that movie than listen to another strange man's opinion on horror movies, or another strange man's aggravating chuckle.

I don't know if that man is reading this. I imagine he's probably not, but if he is I bet he's chuckling his way through and announcing his opinion to everyone else in the library about what he thinks of everything. But if he is reading, then take this on board, and don't laugh at it, don't comment on it, just let it phase its way through your stripy grey rimmed hat and through your thick skull into your pink and fluffy brain, and then change your life accordingly. If you can read this, Mr Fedora, JUST ALWAYS SHUT UP.