Blog 95: 5

I've just seen a rather upsetting advert about the polar bears.

It said something a long the lines of "The polar bears are in danger this christmas. the ice is melting. Give just three pounds a month and we can save them..."
Now don't get me wrong.
I love animals, and polar bears are cute and everything, despite the fact I have a dead rat on my picture above this. BUT this advert is ridiculous.
ASIDE from the fact that a polar bear would HAPPILY rip you apart even if you were trying to help it, what on EARTH will giving three pounds a month acheive.Are they gonna buy some ice and dump it in the sea? Because UMMMMM it'll just melt again.
Are they gonna give them a hair cut and move them somewhere warmer? 'COS LOOK OUTSIDE. It's snowing. So it's cold.
Which means it's colder in the NORTH POLE. So I doubt the ice is melting. What's more, is that if we're not careful these polar bears will become clever and invent cars which will now be able to drive on the not-icy roads of the Artic circle. Then their new feuls that they invented will start to do global cooling and the whole of Africa will get icy and all the lions will start dying. So my solution? KILL THOSE POLAR BEARS.
Don't ACTUALLY kill the polar bears, that was a joke, obviously, it was a joke. BUT I wouldn't trust these charities. Feel free to but don't then invent a charity to get me to pay in aid of the millions of people who were ripped off by charities asking weird things that don't seem to help, and if they do, please clarify HOW a bit more, please.

Whilst I seem to be going mental and being a horrid person at Christmas, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ON THE HIGH STREET. YES I HAVE TIME. YES I CAN SPARE SOME OF IT TALKING TO YOU AND YES I GUESS IT'S THE NICE THING TO DO.
BUT.
I am a student.
I have no money.
I don't care.
I want to go home, and not sit outside talking to you about something you're clearly passionate about, when I'm not. How would you like it if I stopped you at EVERY OPPORTUNITY to tell you why I think the Godfather three isn't as good as the other two but is still a good film if you ignore a couple of actors. Or why the graphic novel of Watchmen is a lot different from the film.

That brings me to the end of this particular rant. Conveniently, this could well be the last one before Christmas, so I look horrible.

But, I hope you won't judge me too severely, and have a WONDERFUL christmas.

Blog 94: 6

This is going to be a tremendously exciting blog, because it's about naked girls. Wahey!

So I have a twitter account, as you probably know because you as readers probably don't exist anymore, and this blog is just an unread venting of stuff.

BUT basically, with twitter, anyone can follow you. And sometimes you get a charity or business after people to help them or whatever and so you get them following. Then sometimes you get a girl doing a myspace shot who wants casual sex which is ridiculous enough.

But today was the day I was followed by a naked girl.

I got a lovely little email, saying "NAME" wants to follow you on twitter! And so, all excited, I rushed across cyberspace to see my lovely new follower and what she was about and LO AND BEHOLD! She was naked, and asking me to see her "super sexy new vid"!

My first thought was ah poor dear, she can't afford clothes :( How sad!

But then I realised she has a COMPUTER, and INTERNET ACCESS, AND A CAMERA. So that can't be true.

And so I came to realise that she is probably a bit of a...hmmm...what's the politically correct term...

SLUT.

And so I blocked her (not with my penis).

What mostly annoyed me though was that the picture was just of the body, there was no head!

When will people learn that decapitation, even in a digital format, JUST ISN'T SEXY.

Have you seen my super sexy new vid?

I get beheaded.

Blog 93: 7

Don't worry. I'm not turning into one of those people who thinks the government are trying to put stuff in our drinks so we go and fight a war. I'm not a hippie.

In fact, this blog is a direct attack on those sorts of people, basically.

I've been youtubing adverts for a project and I was specifically looking at adverts aimed at children, and got sidetracked by a video called "Disney Subliminal Messaging" so watched it.

Basically, keeping my theme of things that annoy me, these people who sit there looking for anything in any movie that looks like a penis really need something better to do.

I'm not gonna debate the common things, like where it says "Sex" in the lion king or what "down where it's wetter" means (although I honestly think he means the sea, considering the sea is a large body of water found commonly throughout the world. It could be a euphemism, but considering the entire song is about living UNDER THE EFFING SEA I think people have read into it too much) I do have an issue with people getting all horrified and worried about their babies because of it though. PLENTY of people have watched the Lion King and it's rare that anyone becomes a sex pest because the word sex is written in some dust. If these things are true, which they rarely are, they're usually not because animators are trying to brainwash kids to turn them into zombies who go around humping everything, but more likely, because animation is a slow process which is drawn out frame by frame, and something like writing the word sex into some dust is a bit of a laugh.

What REALLY annoys me is when people go MENTAL and start making it up. One of the videos commented on how in pretty much EVERY disney film, the mum dies in the credits.

Dumbo, yes, Bambi, yes. The Little Mermaid doesn't have a mum.

However, Aladdin, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, The Rescuers and pretty much all the Disney Pixar films don't have mum's dying, so it's not really ALL. And it doesn't mean Disney are trying to do away with mothers, it's just emotive. Not to mention Disney rarely come up with the story but take a pre-existing children's tale and make an animation.

To be honest, where do you stop? HAVE YOU NOTICED EVERY FILM AT SOME POINT HAS SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN IN IT? Are the film industry trying to encourage bad things to happen? No, they're not, but films wouldn't work if there was never anything BAD happening.

One of the most mental ones I saw claimed that Mr Tumnus from Narnia is exactly the same in appearance as PAN, the PAGAN SEX GOD.

Well, he may look the same, but he that is because MR TUMNUS IS A FAUN AND FAUNS LOOK LIKE WHAT MR TUMNUS DOES.

It went onto say the interactions between Mr Tumnus and Lucy are a bit like a pedo. Again, that isn't DISNEY, it's the story of NARNIA, and he IS trying to capture Lucy to get her to the White Queen. The video said "This is clearly Walt Disney's intentions..."

NO IT'S NOT! FAUNS LOOK LIKE THAT!

Apparently Walt Disney liked to be involved with witchcraft, and this is why so many witches are in his films.

I mean, most of the time they ARE evil, so it's not like they're ENCOURAGING it, are they.

In the montage that follows they attack Mickey Mouse in a wizard's hat, the Genie off Aladdin, and then go mental and criticise Disney for having a wizard in the popular story known as the WIZARD OF OZ. OF COURSE IT'S GONNA HAVE A WIZARD IN IT.

Anyway, I think I better stop before I get too angry. And anyway, I think the Devil's talking to me via my poster of spider-man.

Blog 92: 8

My annoying thing for this week is when technology goes wrong. Here is an example of such a situation.

"Oh look, a Macbook. It looks nice, I hear it performs well and how much is it...£800?! and even more for the PRO version?! Oh dear that is pricey...Oh well, if it's as good as it is expensive, which I've heard it is, then I'll go for it..."

Some years later.

"I'll just turn my mac on. I haven't done anything like downloaded a dodgy file because I haven't downloaded anything for about a week, so there's no reason why it won't switch on...just press that button there...

WHAT THE HELL IT WON'T SWITCH ON AND NOW ALL MY PHOTOS OF THAILAND ARE EFFING GONE."

This is just ONE, JUST ONE example of technology going wrong. There are many others:

"This plane seems sturdy, and they've been perfected over time...Uh oh, it's crashing."

"Ah, a hairdryer, I'll just dry my hair whilst I'm in the bath...woops!"

"Right, I just need to straighten my hair so I can look pretty when I go ou-AH SUGAR I'VE BURNT A FRAGMENT OF MY FACE"

And so on and so forth. Soon it will be 2011 and my face is still burnt from straighteners. This annoys me.

Blog 91: 9

At number 9 on my 10 most annoying things which I haven't mentioned already is the North/South divide in England, and how, most of the time, the North gets the friendlier people.
I say most of the time, because I've had bad experiences both up north and "daaan saaaf" but generally speaking all the twats live in the bottom of England.
I have a theory for this. Twats are heavier than nice people. This is because nice people are made of candy floss and bubbles and Twats are made from horrible insects and nasty looking stones. So all the twats have sunk towards the bottom of the world and all the nice people sort of floated upwards.
Now I know what people are thinking. How come some people are nice down south and nasty up north? Well some people get stuck against hills etc. This is why there's a lot of scary people in Scotland. It's hilly and so people get snagged on ledges and stay up north (and yes, it's just north England really) Now the real issue is why are the people in Liverpool like they are, there's no real hills there. Well that's true, but Liverpool people are full of noxious gas, so they DO float, but aren't filled with bubbles.
Of course, it's a shame the nice people get lumped with all the mines instead of all the cool urban cities and wonderful seaside but in a way, I'd rather be in rainy Leeds than stabby London.
As for me, I am filled with gorgeous gems and diamonds so have sunk to the bottom of the pile down by London, which is unlucky for me. But using my extreme strength I have climbed higher and higher to the top of England where I can be among the nice people.
Having said that, I still meet the ones who are snagged, like the bus driver who wouldn't for some reason follow his route. I asked him if he was going past Hyde Park Inn and he said no, and I said well on the timetable it says you are. He told me (extremely rudely) he'd said no because he meant no, so I bought the ticket and suggested someone have another look at the timetable then because it's very wrong. And then sat down, and on the other end thanked him for his wonderful service. This is a perfect example of someone who is snagged in the wrong niceness zone.
Anyway, what can we learn from this?
1) Don't go to Liverpool
2) If you are nice, try and climb northwards.
3) If you are nasty, go down to the horrible south.
4) I'd hate to go to France.

Blog 90: 10

YES. It's the 90th blog. And that means a sexy sexy countdown to the 100th episode. I feel I want to do something special, and so I will start my super music-style chart of the top 10 most annoying things that happen, (although obviously excluding things I've already mentioned in previous blog posts.) And then at the end of each I'll include directions to one of my 10 faves in my blog archive so we can relive the magic.

So, the 10th most annoying thing for me at this moment has GOT to be the film Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. NOW people might judge and say "you didn't watch it all, so you can't judge." WELL I CAN JUDGE, BECAUSE IT IS OBJECTIVELY AWFUL. Nobody in their right mind would want to watch people dribbling as they kiss, or girls feebly trying to re-enact Mighty Boosh or Inbetweener style moments in a desperate attempt to try and be funny. Seems to me there are too many scriptwriters around thinking they're really funny but they aren't, so here are my top tips to being funny for any comedy scriptwriters out there!

1) If you're not funny, don't write a script.

2) If you're funny but write a script and read it and it's not that funny, don't publish it, ever.

3) If you do the above several times, give up on your job and work in something you're good at.

These rules, although written for scriptwriters, can apply for other jobs too, in this way.

For example, some advice for doctors.

1) If you aren't a qualified doctor, don't do heart surgery.

2) If you are a doctor, and you do heart surgery and it goes wrong, don't show it off as if you're proud.

3) If you do the above several times, then maybe don't do heart surgeries anymore.

Other examples include:

1) If you aren't the Prime Minister, don't make deals with the USA on behalf of Great Britain.

2) If you aren't a woman, don't have a period.

3) If you are an extinct species, don't come back (that means you, dinosaurs)

So in conclusion, DON'T WRITE FUDGING RUBBISH SCRIPTS. If I have to watch another awful film like Angus, Thongs and Perfect Sh*t again then I will scream and run all over your driveways with tennis racket shoes made from your own skin.

AND my special recommendation of my archives would have to be good ol' Blog 12, the very beginning of the story when I was stalked on an international scale. Definitely worth checking out, even if it's me saying it.

Stand by for number 91 and the 9th most annoying thing. I don't know when it'll come because I haven't got any specific ideas of what I could write about yet...

Blog 89: A small diversion...

THIS ISN'T REALLY what my blog is meant to be about BUT just so you all know I have a new website! It's mainly for my illustrations and doodles...well actually it's ENTIRELY for them. BUT you can check it out now by going to the link below:

http://www.wix.com/mike_is_a_hero/smash_rockets

xx