Blog 120: Stupid B*tch

So I'm currently looking after a psycho dog and her owner's house. She's part alsatian, and then part something else, maybe greyhound or those lassie dogs...Something like that. But, to put it shortly, she's massive. When she jumps up on her hind legs she's as tall as me, and obviously, as she's a dog, she's way more powerful and dangerous than I am too.

However, she's also way less intelligent than me. She's clever for a dog - she can even open doors - but I'm clever for a human so I trump her intelligence-wise (well done Mike).

She's a bit naughty...the past two days I've come home from work to find that she's shredded socks, cartons of tomatoes, packs of pasta and then done a wee all over the bedroom carpet. So I've had to tell her off. I also have to tell her off when she 'play' bites (did you know the bite of a german shepherd has a force of 238 pounds?) and when she jumps up.

But if she was to figure out that she's actually way stronger than me, then I'm in trouble. When I tell her off, something in my mind says "This dog would own you if it was to get fed up of being told off..." I'm half expecting her to come upstairs while I sleep and put a pillow over my face and smother me until I pass away. Or maybe the owners will return to find half of me on the kitchen floor with the dog chewing away at my liver or other vital organ.

Before I go, here are some more facts that have given me a general impression of what German Shepherds and Alsatians are like throughout my life.

German Shepherds are a large sized dog, generally between 55 and 65 cm at the withers (shoulders) and weight between 22 and 40 kg. They have a domed forhead, a long square muzzle and a black nose. The jaws are strong, with a scissor-like bite.

An Australian report from 1999 shows German Sheperds are the third breed most likely to attack a person.

In the United States, one source suggests that German Shepher Dogs are responsible for more reported bitings than any other breed.

The bite of a German Shepherd has a force of over 238 pounds, compared to a human's puny 86.

They are not inclined to become immediate friends with strangers.

Bear those facts in mind.

Today I took her for an extra 20 minutes on her walk to try and tire her out so she can't get up to mischief... and she did seem to get tired. Now although she's a naughty dog, she's a good natured one, and so when we came across two massive alsatians, and I mean bigger than her massive. One of the alsatians stayed with the owner, the other one came charging and barking towards me and Luna.

So here comes this metre tall, 40 kilo dog, pounding towards me, snapping and barking it's strong, scissor like jaws in the most aggressive manor one can imagine, running straight for Luna. I hold her back, and the owner of the mad dog says "Don't worry it's just barking, it's fine."

He's now right in Luna's face, she's cowering, and then he goes to either bark right by her face, or what I saw as a snap. So there's a dog about to bite Luna, the owner, she's yelling "Stop, stop" and this massive monster just not listening. So I pull Luna just out of his way, and she ducks behinds my all of a sudden weedy looking legs. The dog continues to bark and snarl. So I hold out my figure, and firmly say NO.

The dog stops. Thing is with dogs, and I learnt this recently when we were training our new puppy Archie and when looking after Mac, the THING with dogs is that if you are firm with them, they listen. The crazy uncontrolled dogs you see are always the product of fuzzy wuzzy owners who love and spoil their dogs too much, and so it knows it can do whatever it likes without getting told off, so acts like a dog. If you're firm with them, they'll listen. So I firmly said NO without showing any signs of being scared, and the dog instantly stopped.

THEN, the owner comes over and she tells me off! She says "Alright, I can control my dogs, not you", sneering out of her stupid little face. "Can you?" I said, and walked off with poor ickle (yet still annoying for ripping my tomatoes) Luna.

THE CHEEK! Obviously, you can't control your dog, because it was barking and snapping and snarling at me and my dog. It's a huge dog, to have it walking around lead-less and snapping at everything is irresponsible and out of order, what if it attacked some children? So, I stopped it because I felt Luna was threatened, and she clearly felt threatened too. I didn't kick it, I didn't hit it, I didn't stab it in it's beady blood-lusting eyes, I just said NO, and it stopped. So don't tell me you can control your dog when you can't, and I have to do it for you.

Now you just have to figure out which character the title refers to :P