Blog 92: 8

My annoying thing for this week is when technology goes wrong. Here is an example of such a situation.

"Oh look, a Macbook. It looks nice, I hear it performs well and how much is it...£800?! and even more for the PRO version?! Oh dear that is pricey...Oh well, if it's as good as it is expensive, which I've heard it is, then I'll go for it..."

Some years later.

"I'll just turn my mac on. I haven't done anything like downloaded a dodgy file because I haven't downloaded anything for about a week, so there's no reason why it won't switch on...just press that button there...

WHAT THE HELL IT WON'T SWITCH ON AND NOW ALL MY PHOTOS OF THAILAND ARE EFFING GONE."

This is just ONE, JUST ONE example of technology going wrong. There are many others:

"This plane seems sturdy, and they've been perfected over time...Uh oh, it's crashing."

"Ah, a hairdryer, I'll just dry my hair whilst I'm in the bath...woops!"

"Right, I just need to straighten my hair so I can look pretty when I go ou-AH SUGAR I'VE BURNT A FRAGMENT OF MY FACE"

And so on and so forth. Soon it will be 2011 and my face is still burnt from straighteners. This annoys me.

Blog 91: 9

At number 9 on my 10 most annoying things which I haven't mentioned already is the North/South divide in England, and how, most of the time, the North gets the friendlier people.
I say most of the time, because I've had bad experiences both up north and "daaan saaaf" but generally speaking all the twats live in the bottom of England.
I have a theory for this. Twats are heavier than nice people. This is because nice people are made of candy floss and bubbles and Twats are made from horrible insects and nasty looking stones. So all the twats have sunk towards the bottom of the world and all the nice people sort of floated upwards.
Now I know what people are thinking. How come some people are nice down south and nasty up north? Well some people get stuck against hills etc. This is why there's a lot of scary people in Scotland. It's hilly and so people get snagged on ledges and stay up north (and yes, it's just north England really) Now the real issue is why are the people in Liverpool like they are, there's no real hills there. Well that's true, but Liverpool people are full of noxious gas, so they DO float, but aren't filled with bubbles.
Of course, it's a shame the nice people get lumped with all the mines instead of all the cool urban cities and wonderful seaside but in a way, I'd rather be in rainy Leeds than stabby London.
As for me, I am filled with gorgeous gems and diamonds so have sunk to the bottom of the pile down by London, which is unlucky for me. But using my extreme strength I have climbed higher and higher to the top of England where I can be among the nice people.
Having said that, I still meet the ones who are snagged, like the bus driver who wouldn't for some reason follow his route. I asked him if he was going past Hyde Park Inn and he said no, and I said well on the timetable it says you are. He told me (extremely rudely) he'd said no because he meant no, so I bought the ticket and suggested someone have another look at the timetable then because it's very wrong. And then sat down, and on the other end thanked him for his wonderful service. This is a perfect example of someone who is snagged in the wrong niceness zone.
Anyway, what can we learn from this?
1) Don't go to Liverpool
2) If you are nice, try and climb northwards.
3) If you are nasty, go down to the horrible south.
4) I'd hate to go to France.

Blog 90: 10

YES. It's the 90th blog. And that means a sexy sexy countdown to the 100th episode. I feel I want to do something special, and so I will start my super music-style chart of the top 10 most annoying things that happen, (although obviously excluding things I've already mentioned in previous blog posts.) And then at the end of each I'll include directions to one of my 10 faves in my blog archive so we can relive the magic.

So, the 10th most annoying thing for me at this moment has GOT to be the film Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. NOW people might judge and say "you didn't watch it all, so you can't judge." WELL I CAN JUDGE, BECAUSE IT IS OBJECTIVELY AWFUL. Nobody in their right mind would want to watch people dribbling as they kiss, or girls feebly trying to re-enact Mighty Boosh or Inbetweener style moments in a desperate attempt to try and be funny. Seems to me there are too many scriptwriters around thinking they're really funny but they aren't, so here are my top tips to being funny for any comedy scriptwriters out there!

1) If you're not funny, don't write a script.

2) If you're funny but write a script and read it and it's not that funny, don't publish it, ever.

3) If you do the above several times, give up on your job and work in something you're good at.

These rules, although written for scriptwriters, can apply for other jobs too, in this way.

For example, some advice for doctors.

1) If you aren't a qualified doctor, don't do heart surgery.

2) If you are a doctor, and you do heart surgery and it goes wrong, don't show it off as if you're proud.

3) If you do the above several times, then maybe don't do heart surgeries anymore.

Other examples include:

1) If you aren't the Prime Minister, don't make deals with the USA on behalf of Great Britain.

2) If you aren't a woman, don't have a period.

3) If you are an extinct species, don't come back (that means you, dinosaurs)

So in conclusion, DON'T WRITE FUDGING RUBBISH SCRIPTS. If I have to watch another awful film like Angus, Thongs and Perfect Sh*t again then I will scream and run all over your driveways with tennis racket shoes made from your own skin.

AND my special recommendation of my archives would have to be good ol' Blog 12, the very beginning of the story when I was stalked on an international scale. Definitely worth checking out, even if it's me saying it.

Stand by for number 91 and the 9th most annoying thing. I don't know when it'll come because I haven't got any specific ideas of what I could write about yet...

Blog 89: A small diversion...

THIS ISN'T REALLY what my blog is meant to be about BUT just so you all know I have a new website! It's mainly for my illustrations and doodles...well actually it's ENTIRELY for them. BUT you can check it out now by going to the link below:

http://www.wix.com/mike_is_a_hero/smash_rockets

xx

Blog 88: Airport A***holes

Picture this:

As my long term followers know, I got stuck in Thailand for 10 days. Well last night my plane from italy was delayed by about half an hour, 45 minutes. So no big panic right?

WELL one fat lady seemed to think so. As we piled onto the bus to take us from departures to the plane, she went "WELL we're NEVER gonna get on this bus are we?!" as if the bus was packed full. It wasn't, there was actually quite a bit of room, even enough for her, and so already she was going mental and we hadn't even started yet.

She then said excuse me to me, and I didn't hear because of my music, I KNOW I'M SUCH A TEENAGER. And so my sister nudged me and I realised she was trying to get on so i shuffled out of her way as best as I could, but there wasn't much room to move around lots because the old man near me just sat there staring into oblivion. But I did my best.

Then she got all angry and sarcastically said "Well maybe not then" and i just said "alright" 'cos she was well flipping off the handle for no reason. She went even more mental and said "EXCUSE ME?!" and I looked at her like I didn't have a clue what her problem was, although I suspected it was because she was so fat that her arteries were all cloggy, and said "what?".

She left me alone after that, and me and my sister tried not to laugh as she kept saying things to herself that were far too dramatic like, "We'll probably be stuck in a hotel all night" AS THE BUS WAS DRIVING TO THE PLANE?! We're going to the plane RIGHT NOW so we can fly TONIGHT and not be in a hotel you silly cow.

Then an italian woman started complaining that they let the kids go through the boarding pass bit first but then had to wait around and couldn't go to the plane, and this annoyed me. Did she want them to fly her home without waiting for anyone else? Your kids would be waiting on the plane for as long as they waited on the bus or in the airport, it's not easyjet's fault you brought your kids up all wrong, now SHUT THEM UP.

Then fatty piped up again as people pushed towards the doors to try and get the front seat. "I don't know why everyone's panicking, everyone's gonna get on the plane"

YOU WENT MENTAL. SHUT. UP. NOW.

What was funny was that all the "speedy boarders" who paid an extra £10 were on the same bus as us, as they usually are, but they were at the back. BUT they were all old so I just ran on the plane and was the first on and had the pick of all the seats, which was scrummy. And fatty was stuck near a toilet, struggling to fit into her seat.

Blog 87: Sexy Somethings

According to the deodorant advert which butchers the Cure song Close to Me, "77% of women feel sexier when their underarms look good."
But what they don't mention are these following facts, which are also ALL TRUE.

67% of women feel sexier when they aren't made from clay.

89% of women feel less sexy when covered in mud or sewage.

43% of women breathe on a frequent basis, often several times a day.

75% of women watch television at least once during their lifetime. This doesn't apply to women who lived prior to the invention of the television.

67% of straight men prefer women to men when looking for a life partner. Similarly, 68% of homosexual men prefer men to women when looking for a partner.

54% of chocolate bars contain actual chocolate.

88% of carpet manufacturers make carpets.

Perhaps what isn't surprising is these above facts but the fact that TWENTY THREE PER CENT OF WOMEN FEEL EITHER SEXIER OR THE SAME AMOUNT OF SEXINESS WITH UGLY ARMPITS. Which makes no sense.

I'm not saying if you have ugly arm pits then you're unbearably hideous, but if someone had ugly armpits and then they became nice armpits, just like it would be with every other part of the human body, they would feel a teeny bit sexier. Guess what? 100% men feel sexier when they have nice arm pits too.

That's science.

Blog 86: Truly Tragic

Imagine a place where there is no internet; no reception. Buildings are no higher than 2 stories, if that, and they certainly don't fully protect the inhabitants from the cruel weather outside. Imagine having to cook using whatever heat is left from the bath the other 10 people had earlier. Imagine living in the cold and damp, perhaps in a cottage, but more likely, in a tent. Imagine having to live somewhere where there are few toilets, perhaps just one toilet, and imagine it breaking and having to go Boom Boom in a field, in the rain, with the sheep.

Worst of all, imagine a place like this existing in the 21st Century.

Well, believe it or not, there IS a place like this. And it's only like 5 hours up the M6.

We call it the Lake District, but perhaps a more accurate name is HELL.

Yes. I had no reception. I had no internet (FOR TWO WEEKS). I was in a cottage for one week and a tent the next. (Do you know what's worse than living in a tent? NOTHING.) There were 10 others, not much hot water (or any water that didn't have sheep's wee in) and it took ages to cook. The toilet was BROKE and I did have to attempt in a field, in the rain, with the sheep, and I gave up and then me and three friends arranged a trip to the river and to share the flush.

Which worked, before you judge.

So yeah, pretty hellish. Then add to that the fact your getting about 5 hours sleep a night, and it's in a TENT so it's not even good sleep...not exactly a trip to Greece.

There was one beautiful plus, and that's the new craze some of us are starting, and I'll name them here, those glorious pioneers: Mark, Tim, Eric, Simon, Trev and myself. We were the pioneers of the new golden age of Lake District Film Music Driving Craze. But you can join in too.

Go to the Lake District.

Go driving through it.

Play classic film music full blast as you go.

Of course, this works best if you have John Williams music, but we found James Bond, Mission Impossible and Gladiator work incredibly well. We also suspect that Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings and Braveheart will work very well also.

A truly epic way to spend an otherwise tragic and grim fortnight.