Blog 95: 5

I've just seen a rather upsetting advert about the polar bears.

It said something a long the lines of "The polar bears are in danger this christmas. the ice is melting. Give just three pounds a month and we can save them..."
Now don't get me wrong.
I love animals, and polar bears are cute and everything, despite the fact I have a dead rat on my picture above this. BUT this advert is ridiculous.
ASIDE from the fact that a polar bear would HAPPILY rip you apart even if you were trying to help it, what on EARTH will giving three pounds a month acheive.Are they gonna buy some ice and dump it in the sea? Because UMMMMM it'll just melt again.
Are they gonna give them a hair cut and move them somewhere warmer? 'COS LOOK OUTSIDE. It's snowing. So it's cold.
Which means it's colder in the NORTH POLE. So I doubt the ice is melting. What's more, is that if we're not careful these polar bears will become clever and invent cars which will now be able to drive on the not-icy roads of the Artic circle. Then their new feuls that they invented will start to do global cooling and the whole of Africa will get icy and all the lions will start dying. So my solution? KILL THOSE POLAR BEARS.
Don't ACTUALLY kill the polar bears, that was a joke, obviously, it was a joke. BUT I wouldn't trust these charities. Feel free to but don't then invent a charity to get me to pay in aid of the millions of people who were ripped off by charities asking weird things that don't seem to help, and if they do, please clarify HOW a bit more, please.

Whilst I seem to be going mental and being a horrid person at Christmas, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ON THE HIGH STREET. YES I HAVE TIME. YES I CAN SPARE SOME OF IT TALKING TO YOU AND YES I GUESS IT'S THE NICE THING TO DO.
BUT.
I am a student.
I have no money.
I don't care.
I want to go home, and not sit outside talking to you about something you're clearly passionate about, when I'm not. How would you like it if I stopped you at EVERY OPPORTUNITY to tell you why I think the Godfather three isn't as good as the other two but is still a good film if you ignore a couple of actors. Or why the graphic novel of Watchmen is a lot different from the film.

That brings me to the end of this particular rant. Conveniently, this could well be the last one before Christmas, so I look horrible.

But, I hope you won't judge me too severely, and have a WONDERFUL christmas.

Blog 94: 6

This is going to be a tremendously exciting blog, because it's about naked girls. Wahey!

So I have a twitter account, as you probably know because you as readers probably don't exist anymore, and this blog is just an unread venting of stuff.

BUT basically, with twitter, anyone can follow you. And sometimes you get a charity or business after people to help them or whatever and so you get them following. Then sometimes you get a girl doing a myspace shot who wants casual sex which is ridiculous enough.

But today was the day I was followed by a naked girl.

I got a lovely little email, saying "NAME" wants to follow you on twitter! And so, all excited, I rushed across cyberspace to see my lovely new follower and what she was about and LO AND BEHOLD! She was naked, and asking me to see her "super sexy new vid"!

My first thought was ah poor dear, she can't afford clothes :( How sad!

But then I realised she has a COMPUTER, and INTERNET ACCESS, AND A CAMERA. So that can't be true.

And so I came to realise that she is probably a bit of a...hmmm...what's the politically correct term...

SLUT.

And so I blocked her (not with my penis).

What mostly annoyed me though was that the picture was just of the body, there was no head!

When will people learn that decapitation, even in a digital format, JUST ISN'T SEXY.

Have you seen my super sexy new vid?

I get beheaded.

Blog 93: 7

Don't worry. I'm not turning into one of those people who thinks the government are trying to put stuff in our drinks so we go and fight a war. I'm not a hippie.

In fact, this blog is a direct attack on those sorts of people, basically.

I've been youtubing adverts for a project and I was specifically looking at adverts aimed at children, and got sidetracked by a video called "Disney Subliminal Messaging" so watched it.

Basically, keeping my theme of things that annoy me, these people who sit there looking for anything in any movie that looks like a penis really need something better to do.

I'm not gonna debate the common things, like where it says "Sex" in the lion king or what "down where it's wetter" means (although I honestly think he means the sea, considering the sea is a large body of water found commonly throughout the world. It could be a euphemism, but considering the entire song is about living UNDER THE EFFING SEA I think people have read into it too much) I do have an issue with people getting all horrified and worried about their babies because of it though. PLENTY of people have watched the Lion King and it's rare that anyone becomes a sex pest because the word sex is written in some dust. If these things are true, which they rarely are, they're usually not because animators are trying to brainwash kids to turn them into zombies who go around humping everything, but more likely, because animation is a slow process which is drawn out frame by frame, and something like writing the word sex into some dust is a bit of a laugh.

What REALLY annoys me is when people go MENTAL and start making it up. One of the videos commented on how in pretty much EVERY disney film, the mum dies in the credits.

Dumbo, yes, Bambi, yes. The Little Mermaid doesn't have a mum.

However, Aladdin, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland, The Rescuers and pretty much all the Disney Pixar films don't have mum's dying, so it's not really ALL. And it doesn't mean Disney are trying to do away with mothers, it's just emotive. Not to mention Disney rarely come up with the story but take a pre-existing children's tale and make an animation.

To be honest, where do you stop? HAVE YOU NOTICED EVERY FILM AT SOME POINT HAS SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN IN IT? Are the film industry trying to encourage bad things to happen? No, they're not, but films wouldn't work if there was never anything BAD happening.

One of the most mental ones I saw claimed that Mr Tumnus from Narnia is exactly the same in appearance as PAN, the PAGAN SEX GOD.

Well, he may look the same, but he that is because MR TUMNUS IS A FAUN AND FAUNS LOOK LIKE WHAT MR TUMNUS DOES.

It went onto say the interactions between Mr Tumnus and Lucy are a bit like a pedo. Again, that isn't DISNEY, it's the story of NARNIA, and he IS trying to capture Lucy to get her to the White Queen. The video said "This is clearly Walt Disney's intentions..."

NO IT'S NOT! FAUNS LOOK LIKE THAT!

Apparently Walt Disney liked to be involved with witchcraft, and this is why so many witches are in his films.

I mean, most of the time they ARE evil, so it's not like they're ENCOURAGING it, are they.

In the montage that follows they attack Mickey Mouse in a wizard's hat, the Genie off Aladdin, and then go mental and criticise Disney for having a wizard in the popular story known as the WIZARD OF OZ. OF COURSE IT'S GONNA HAVE A WIZARD IN IT.

Anyway, I think I better stop before I get too angry. And anyway, I think the Devil's talking to me via my poster of spider-man.

Blog 92: 8

My annoying thing for this week is when technology goes wrong. Here is an example of such a situation.

"Oh look, a Macbook. It looks nice, I hear it performs well and how much is it...£800?! and even more for the PRO version?! Oh dear that is pricey...Oh well, if it's as good as it is expensive, which I've heard it is, then I'll go for it..."

Some years later.

"I'll just turn my mac on. I haven't done anything like downloaded a dodgy file because I haven't downloaded anything for about a week, so there's no reason why it won't switch on...just press that button there...

WHAT THE HELL IT WON'T SWITCH ON AND NOW ALL MY PHOTOS OF THAILAND ARE EFFING GONE."

This is just ONE, JUST ONE example of technology going wrong. There are many others:

"This plane seems sturdy, and they've been perfected over time...Uh oh, it's crashing."

"Ah, a hairdryer, I'll just dry my hair whilst I'm in the bath...woops!"

"Right, I just need to straighten my hair so I can look pretty when I go ou-AH SUGAR I'VE BURNT A FRAGMENT OF MY FACE"

And so on and so forth. Soon it will be 2011 and my face is still burnt from straighteners. This annoys me.

Blog 91: 9

At number 9 on my 10 most annoying things which I haven't mentioned already is the North/South divide in England, and how, most of the time, the North gets the friendlier people.
I say most of the time, because I've had bad experiences both up north and "daaan saaaf" but generally speaking all the twats live in the bottom of England.
I have a theory for this. Twats are heavier than nice people. This is because nice people are made of candy floss and bubbles and Twats are made from horrible insects and nasty looking stones. So all the twats have sunk towards the bottom of the world and all the nice people sort of floated upwards.
Now I know what people are thinking. How come some people are nice down south and nasty up north? Well some people get stuck against hills etc. This is why there's a lot of scary people in Scotland. It's hilly and so people get snagged on ledges and stay up north (and yes, it's just north England really) Now the real issue is why are the people in Liverpool like they are, there's no real hills there. Well that's true, but Liverpool people are full of noxious gas, so they DO float, but aren't filled with bubbles.
Of course, it's a shame the nice people get lumped with all the mines instead of all the cool urban cities and wonderful seaside but in a way, I'd rather be in rainy Leeds than stabby London.
As for me, I am filled with gorgeous gems and diamonds so have sunk to the bottom of the pile down by London, which is unlucky for me. But using my extreme strength I have climbed higher and higher to the top of England where I can be among the nice people.
Having said that, I still meet the ones who are snagged, like the bus driver who wouldn't for some reason follow his route. I asked him if he was going past Hyde Park Inn and he said no, and I said well on the timetable it says you are. He told me (extremely rudely) he'd said no because he meant no, so I bought the ticket and suggested someone have another look at the timetable then because it's very wrong. And then sat down, and on the other end thanked him for his wonderful service. This is a perfect example of someone who is snagged in the wrong niceness zone.
Anyway, what can we learn from this?
1) Don't go to Liverpool
2) If you are nice, try and climb northwards.
3) If you are nasty, go down to the horrible south.
4) I'd hate to go to France.

Blog 90: 10

YES. It's the 90th blog. And that means a sexy sexy countdown to the 100th episode. I feel I want to do something special, and so I will start my super music-style chart of the top 10 most annoying things that happen, (although obviously excluding things I've already mentioned in previous blog posts.) And then at the end of each I'll include directions to one of my 10 faves in my blog archive so we can relive the magic.

So, the 10th most annoying thing for me at this moment has GOT to be the film Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. NOW people might judge and say "you didn't watch it all, so you can't judge." WELL I CAN JUDGE, BECAUSE IT IS OBJECTIVELY AWFUL. Nobody in their right mind would want to watch people dribbling as they kiss, or girls feebly trying to re-enact Mighty Boosh or Inbetweener style moments in a desperate attempt to try and be funny. Seems to me there are too many scriptwriters around thinking they're really funny but they aren't, so here are my top tips to being funny for any comedy scriptwriters out there!

1) If you're not funny, don't write a script.

2) If you're funny but write a script and read it and it's not that funny, don't publish it, ever.

3) If you do the above several times, give up on your job and work in something you're good at.

These rules, although written for scriptwriters, can apply for other jobs too, in this way.

For example, some advice for doctors.

1) If you aren't a qualified doctor, don't do heart surgery.

2) If you are a doctor, and you do heart surgery and it goes wrong, don't show it off as if you're proud.

3) If you do the above several times, then maybe don't do heart surgeries anymore.

Other examples include:

1) If you aren't the Prime Minister, don't make deals with the USA on behalf of Great Britain.

2) If you aren't a woman, don't have a period.

3) If you are an extinct species, don't come back (that means you, dinosaurs)

So in conclusion, DON'T WRITE FUDGING RUBBISH SCRIPTS. If I have to watch another awful film like Angus, Thongs and Perfect Sh*t again then I will scream and run all over your driveways with tennis racket shoes made from your own skin.

AND my special recommendation of my archives would have to be good ol' Blog 12, the very beginning of the story when I was stalked on an international scale. Definitely worth checking out, even if it's me saying it.

Stand by for number 91 and the 9th most annoying thing. I don't know when it'll come because I haven't got any specific ideas of what I could write about yet...

Blog 89: A small diversion...

THIS ISN'T REALLY what my blog is meant to be about BUT just so you all know I have a new website! It's mainly for my illustrations and doodles...well actually it's ENTIRELY for them. BUT you can check it out now by going to the link below:

http://www.wix.com/mike_is_a_hero/smash_rockets

xx

Blog 88: Airport A***holes

Picture this:

As my long term followers know, I got stuck in Thailand for 10 days. Well last night my plane from italy was delayed by about half an hour, 45 minutes. So no big panic right?

WELL one fat lady seemed to think so. As we piled onto the bus to take us from departures to the plane, she went "WELL we're NEVER gonna get on this bus are we?!" as if the bus was packed full. It wasn't, there was actually quite a bit of room, even enough for her, and so already she was going mental and we hadn't even started yet.

She then said excuse me to me, and I didn't hear because of my music, I KNOW I'M SUCH A TEENAGER. And so my sister nudged me and I realised she was trying to get on so i shuffled out of her way as best as I could, but there wasn't much room to move around lots because the old man near me just sat there staring into oblivion. But I did my best.

Then she got all angry and sarcastically said "Well maybe not then" and i just said "alright" 'cos she was well flipping off the handle for no reason. She went even more mental and said "EXCUSE ME?!" and I looked at her like I didn't have a clue what her problem was, although I suspected it was because she was so fat that her arteries were all cloggy, and said "what?".

She left me alone after that, and me and my sister tried not to laugh as she kept saying things to herself that were far too dramatic like, "We'll probably be stuck in a hotel all night" AS THE BUS WAS DRIVING TO THE PLANE?! We're going to the plane RIGHT NOW so we can fly TONIGHT and not be in a hotel you silly cow.

Then an italian woman started complaining that they let the kids go through the boarding pass bit first but then had to wait around and couldn't go to the plane, and this annoyed me. Did she want them to fly her home without waiting for anyone else? Your kids would be waiting on the plane for as long as they waited on the bus or in the airport, it's not easyjet's fault you brought your kids up all wrong, now SHUT THEM UP.

Then fatty piped up again as people pushed towards the doors to try and get the front seat. "I don't know why everyone's panicking, everyone's gonna get on the plane"

YOU WENT MENTAL. SHUT. UP. NOW.

What was funny was that all the "speedy boarders" who paid an extra £10 were on the same bus as us, as they usually are, but they were at the back. BUT they were all old so I just ran on the plane and was the first on and had the pick of all the seats, which was scrummy. And fatty was stuck near a toilet, struggling to fit into her seat.

Blog 87: Sexy Somethings

According to the deodorant advert which butchers the Cure song Close to Me, "77% of women feel sexier when their underarms look good."
But what they don't mention are these following facts, which are also ALL TRUE.

67% of women feel sexier when they aren't made from clay.

89% of women feel less sexy when covered in mud or sewage.

43% of women breathe on a frequent basis, often several times a day.

75% of women watch television at least once during their lifetime. This doesn't apply to women who lived prior to the invention of the television.

67% of straight men prefer women to men when looking for a life partner. Similarly, 68% of homosexual men prefer men to women when looking for a partner.

54% of chocolate bars contain actual chocolate.

88% of carpet manufacturers make carpets.

Perhaps what isn't surprising is these above facts but the fact that TWENTY THREE PER CENT OF WOMEN FEEL EITHER SEXIER OR THE SAME AMOUNT OF SEXINESS WITH UGLY ARMPITS. Which makes no sense.

I'm not saying if you have ugly arm pits then you're unbearably hideous, but if someone had ugly armpits and then they became nice armpits, just like it would be with every other part of the human body, they would feel a teeny bit sexier. Guess what? 100% men feel sexier when they have nice arm pits too.

That's science.

Blog 86: Truly Tragic

Imagine a place where there is no internet; no reception. Buildings are no higher than 2 stories, if that, and they certainly don't fully protect the inhabitants from the cruel weather outside. Imagine having to cook using whatever heat is left from the bath the other 10 people had earlier. Imagine living in the cold and damp, perhaps in a cottage, but more likely, in a tent. Imagine having to live somewhere where there are few toilets, perhaps just one toilet, and imagine it breaking and having to go Boom Boom in a field, in the rain, with the sheep.

Worst of all, imagine a place like this existing in the 21st Century.

Well, believe it or not, there IS a place like this. And it's only like 5 hours up the M6.

We call it the Lake District, but perhaps a more accurate name is HELL.

Yes. I had no reception. I had no internet (FOR TWO WEEKS). I was in a cottage for one week and a tent the next. (Do you know what's worse than living in a tent? NOTHING.) There were 10 others, not much hot water (or any water that didn't have sheep's wee in) and it took ages to cook. The toilet was BROKE and I did have to attempt in a field, in the rain, with the sheep, and I gave up and then me and three friends arranged a trip to the river and to share the flush.

Which worked, before you judge.

So yeah, pretty hellish. Then add to that the fact your getting about 5 hours sleep a night, and it's in a TENT so it's not even good sleep...not exactly a trip to Greece.

There was one beautiful plus, and that's the new craze some of us are starting, and I'll name them here, those glorious pioneers: Mark, Tim, Eric, Simon, Trev and myself. We were the pioneers of the new golden age of Lake District Film Music Driving Craze. But you can join in too.

Go to the Lake District.

Go driving through it.

Play classic film music full blast as you go.

Of course, this works best if you have John Williams music, but we found James Bond, Mission Impossible and Gladiator work incredibly well. We also suspect that Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings and Braveheart will work very well also.

A truly epic way to spend an otherwise tragic and grim fortnight.

Blog 85: Lazy News

I nearly laughed out loud at my work experience today when I saw a picture on the BBC news website (other websites are also available.) There's a picture of Nick Robinson, nobody particularly famous when you hear the name but if you're british then you'll know his face. He's the news reporter with a lazy eye.

CALM DOWN, I'm not laughing at the wannabe disabled (honestly, that's a joke, I promise) BUT what I found funny was that the picture was a cartoon of him, but the cartoon still has the lazy eye! I thought it was WELL hillarious.

Here's the pic:

Blog 84: Stalker Surprise

I've just realised something. Basically like 50% of my blog posts (ok, that's a massive hyperbole) are about stalkers creeping me out. I've been moaning about them all this time so much that I didn't stop to think of all the advantages. Well. The advantage. Because I love it when I get new followers to my blog, which happens never, by the way, and I'd love it even more if I thought people might READ this! But of course that doesn't happen much. However, if i'd told them stalkers about this blog then I'd have at least 2 REALLY keen followers! And that's pretty good I guess... then again the funny posts about stalkers wouldn't be up here 'cos that'd be rude.

It's a no win situation. But if you do read this (which you won't) then why not tell at least one other person about the "magic". By the time they find out that it's rubbish it'll be too late 'cos they'd have already visited, and it's not SO bad that they'd go to the extent of deleting it from their history...is it?

Blog 83: David CaMoron

Last night I went for a tasty dinner with some familial characters and we went for a fairly posh italian at one of these chain stores that make ok italian food and sell it for far too much. I won't name it.

Actually, I will, it's Prezzo's and it's far too expensive and nothing special, and their portions of calamari are like, 5 li'l squids and that's about it... Their slogan should be "5 squid for 5 quid!"

The bit I wanted to moan about was how their was a baby doing a massive poo and wee all over the lawn, with the parents cleaning it, RIGHT ON THE FRONT LAWN OF THE RESTAURANT! Where people were eating!? And there was just a dirty baby with their family waving wads of pooey wipes everywhere and a load of wee shooting all over the lawn with people trying to eat? I mean, WHAT THE HELL?! I don't even know what to say, it's just so horrifically annoying that these people are arrogant enough to think "Oh my baby's really cute I'll just let it shit all over the place and everyone will keep chewing down spaghetti like it's normal."

David Cameron's only been in power a few weeks and already there's babies shitting all over the place.

On the plus side, I'm watching "Timmy Time" on Ceebeebies, which is a spin off of Wallace and Gromit with like a mini-baby version of Shaun the Sheep, and apart from the owls having pies for faces, it's the most heart warming cartoon I've ever seen. They all hold hands at the beginning and go for a walk in the park with a pelican teacher! And jump a lot! Now if only I could go for a poo all over the Ritz' lobby carpet it'd be like I was young again...

Blog 82: Designy-Whiney

I used to have a blog for my design work with blogger, but I then found that Tumblr was easier for design blogs, and so have since moved to another blog place for my art. BUT don't panic, because I'll still be here.

HOWEVER, definately check out my Tumblr page, the address is:

http://mike-is-a-hero.tumblr.com/

Keep an eye out for some special designs coming soon, the first which will probably be up today. To practice using Adobe InDesign, I've started taking some "classic" blogs, or my particular favourites, and putting them in swanky designs, and so soon you will be able to see all your favourite blogs, but GROOVED UP! Exciting, isn't it?

The first up will be "Foreign Safety Standards", keep an eye on my Tumblr for it any time soon

x

Blog 81: Big Daddy

I was on the train to London yesterday and was doing some people watching, as you do when bored, and I was keenly watching this horribly fat man because he annoyed me. And he annoyed me not because his hair cut was really stupid, nor because he had the shortest shorts on despite his big pale flabby legs.

No, what REALLY annoyed me was that he was a father of two children, who were sat, relatively well behaved in fairness, but nonetheless BORED out of their MINDS. Now, it's bad enough the dad didn't entertain them, but understandable because he might be fed up, but when the fatty isn't paying attention to his kids because he's too engrossed in his own little Nintendo DS, that's ridiculous. His children are all sitting there bored, staring out the window dreaming of fun, and he's sat there having a whale of a time on his little Gameboy thing going mental.

It really annoyed me.

Blog 80: Shocking

Well there's another rubbish performance by the England game. Maybe now people will realise that you need more to win a football match than just one pretty decent striker (Wayne Rooney has gone about 10 hours in footy now without scoring, by the way) and also you need more than it happening to be Fabio's birthday.

Some awful interviews were going on all over the tele today. One woman asked Fabio if he'd ever heard the song "When I'm 64". He hadn't. She quoted the bit about a bottle of wine and handed him one, he was chuffed, except he doesn't drink wine (nice one). OH and just because the Beatles were English, doesn't mean we'll win football.

England can't seem to score goals, except Robert Green, but of course, that was the wrong goal.

Moreover, Emile Heskey is awful. The finest moment of England's World Cup 2010 was when he was substituted off.

I find it ironic that today marks the 70th anniversary of Winston Churchill's speech to Parliament in 1940 in which he said:

"Here is where we come to the Navy--and after all, we have a Navy. Some people seem to forget that we have a Navy. We must remind them..."

A rather more fitting quote, however, might be perhaps this:

"We shall fight them on the beaches"

We will fight them on the beaches. Our beaches. Because England are coming home.

Blog 79: Charity Work

This is a blog which I hope will relate to people who also wish their lives was more like a Hollywood Rom-Com.

Recently, I've been helping my grandparents move house, and whilst taking books to the charity shop, I noticed that bizarrely, not all the workers in the charity shop were middle aged to elderly women, but in fact ONE of them was amazing and gorgeous and beautiful and young.

BUT of course, we live in the real world. I'm not Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I can't merely wink or smirk and wait for her to fall in love with me straight away, and I certainly can't somehow spill acid in her eyes and then assure her I'm massively sexy. These things don't work.

So basically there's nothing I can do. She will forever be just a girl in a charity shop who I saw once and then never saw again, escaping into the mists of time and just another person I saw once. Like everyone else.

People say "OH just go in and strike conversation". WELL I'M NOT JAMES FREAKING BOND.

"Just be yourself!" WELL THAT WON'T WORK, it never does. "Volunteer at the Charity Shop" ...this was my idea, actually, but even so, I'm not a stalker...yet...

Maybe I'll leave a link to this blog on her desk and hope she realises how funny I am, and maybe how single I am because of the 79 Blog Posts I've done when I could've been snogging.

Blog 78: World Cup!

FINE.

I give up on that silly horror film thing, because, let's face it, I'm not gonna be watching Silence of the Lambs any time soon. Who's fault is it? DAWN OF THE DEAD. It ruined horror films for me, forever. So this is the official end to that ridiculous mess of an idea.

BUT it is also the beginning of the WORLD CUP! South Africa and Mexico have already drawn 1-1, Germany plays their first match today, and good ol' England have drawn with the USA.

Bit of a disappointment, because, well, until last World Cup I wasn't even aware that the USA had like a football team, let alone one that's of World Cup standard, and then England goes and draws, after a good goal, because one SHTUPID goalie can't keep his hands on a ball.

I do feel sorry for Mr Green though, because it was his first world cup, first game, masses of pressure etc etc HEY WAITAMINUTE if he couldn't cope with it he wouldn't have been taken. There's plenty of goalies in England who could've gone all the way to South Africa to make that mistake. Heck, even I could have gone to South Africa and made that mistake. So no sympathy for Mr Green. He looked like he wanted to cry, and he deserves to cry, and weep, into pot noodle after pot noodle until he ends up lying on his back, all fat, in a shack in the Black Forest, food dribbling out of the corner of his mouth and sobbing so violently that his man boobs quiver, like jelly. This quivering will remind him of jelly, and in turn make him hungry for jelly. Then he'll eat jelly and get fatter, making him feel more sorry for himself and sob more, and so it will go, in a vicious circle, until one day, he'll break his shack and roll down a hill in a comical fashion.

I want David Seaman back, even though his surname is funny.

Blog 77: Boredom Boredom

This is a list of things to do when you're bored, which I have created after re-thinking through my activities of the day:

1) Mess around with a screwdriver and drill

2) Watch a bit of Peep Show

3) Cook lunch

4) Spend about 3 hours teaching yourself to play Bat Out Of Hell on the piano

5) Watch Jeremy Kyle, and then watch Trisha

6) Discuss, or just think about, how Jeremy Kyle is much better than Trisha, as she never seems to sort anything out but just seems to say whatever the guests say, but adding a question mark each time to sound surprised and shocked at what they have to say (Guest: "YOU STOLE MONEY OFF ME!" Trisha: "You stole MONEY OFF HER?!" Guest: "You woz in tha pub when I was givin birfff" Trisha: You were in the PUB when she was GIVING BIRTH?!" Guest: Hello Trisha Trisha: HELLO?! TRISHA?! SORT IT OUT.)

7) Listen to old podcasts of Russell Brand and remember the good days when people who didn't listen to the show didn't pretend to be offended by something they think happened on it which actually didn't and was basically Jonathan Ross' fault

8) Sleep more.

9) If ill, watch either one of the Bill & Ted films. Or both.

10) Eat more.

This is a list of things I do when I'm at home and bored.

Blog 76: Good Guess

So at least I'm not paranoid. The Second Saga of a Stalker is here, with updates with my new friend Iqbal.

Already I'm puzzled why he wants to know if I have child, I dunno where I got the idea that I ight have a child from, but then I told him I know nobody called Iqbal.

He then asked "Why? In there no name Iqbal"

I don't know what that means, but I guessed and replied "Well no, it's just I know nobody called Iqbal and so it's really confusing when an Iqbal starts talking to me, why are you messaging me?"

To which he replied "Only just enough to wish know".

Now what the fudge is that supposed to mean. Is it meant to sound sexy and mysterious? 'Cos it just sounds like Yoda tried and failed to teach you English. It sounds like John Prescott.

I said "um What?" which I think is an average reaction, and he replied "No... (which doesn't answer any question) your name michael? (well, yeah, that's why my name is michael on facebook) you have boyfriend?"

Now this made me worried. I think either someone's messing me around here (probably, not even gays like me) BUT if it ISN'T and this guy is genuinely having a go, then what the fudge? Why does he think I might be gay, and why would he message me on the off chance that I'm a massive gayer who is really desperate (which actually, apart from the gay bit, is nearly true)...

I have nothing against gay people at all, but I'm not one, so I dunno why he thought I might be worth asking. Which worries me, 'cos maybe that's why I get no girl attention if they all think I'm not interested...

Anyway, I told him that I have a million boyfriends, sorry, but I'm unavailable.

Hopefully he'll leave me alone, but of course, he probably won't, because he wouldn't be a very good weirdo if he did that.

Blog 75: Second Saga

This is a brief breakage in the barrage of horror reviews which nobody reads and even less people find funny. BUT DON'T WORRY. As soon as I can be bothered to watch Silence of the Lambs then I'll do the review.

Anyhoo, any long term readers, so about 0 people, may remember the Saga of a Stalker, the time when an italian random kept pestering me.

Thankfully, I never ever heard from her again.

HOWEVER, whether it's made me paranoid, or I am right, a similar situation seems to be kicking off.

I got a facebook message today from someone I don't know called "Loenz Aloene". His pic seems to be a black haired kid with his face down (I say his, it could be a her, I have no freaking idea. Not with the name "Loenz".

I asked in reply who they were. They said "My name is Iqbal. You have child?"

I'm not even gonna start pointing out how weird this question is to someone you never met. I told Iqbal no, and that I don't know anyone called Iqbal. I didn't wanna be rude, but I was hoping Iqbal would take this to mean "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND NEVER TALK TO OR OF ME AGAIN".

If he didn't take this hint, but is reading this then I say this to Iqbal.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND NEVER TALK TO OR OF ME AGAIN.

Blog 74: Shocking Revelations

SOMEBODY ACTUALLY READS THIS BLOG!!!!!

So there is one person in the entire globe who still likes to read my blog :)

However, they also like to criticise by saying my recent horror film reviews aren't funny.

WELL.

I have something to say about that.

SEX AND THE CITY ISN'T FUNNY.

And don't worry, I'm planning PLENTY more horror film reviews. Mwa ha ha.

And yes I did go back to all the previous blogs and try and edit them a tiny bit to make them more bearable.

(Please don't stop reading if you're a Sex and the City fan)

Blog 73: Dawn of the RUBBISH

I haven't finished watching Dawn of the Dead as I'm writing this, because it's 5 am and I'm tired so I can't be bothered.

The characters are horribly annoying. They smash windows, and perform bizarre stunts with lorries and trollies for no reason whilst making wooping noises. The woman does nothing except sit and moan, because all of a sudden she's randomly pregnant, which is just out of nowhere. I dunno why they can't all just sit in the room though.

Fave bit was when a SWAT team guy tells another man not to ever aim his gun at anyone, "mister." Which is funny because he's aiming his gun at him as he says it, and is in a SWAT team where he frequently aims guns at others. It's even funnier because he shot some children zombies like, 2 minutes before.

Made me jump once, 3 for monsters, 3 for filming, 6 for story, 3 for acting and 8 for Gorillaz music. Overall, 24. Meaning that it's second worst so far. It was enjoyable though...

Next up, the Silence of the Lambs...

Blog 72: Alien Maths

This is basically the most embarrasing blog post ever.

The keen readers amongst you will have noticed that perhaps my maths hasn't been up to scratch in my recent posts. In fact, it occasionally went INSANE.

For example, 2+4+7+9+9+7=38, not 47. And so Carrie didn't score 47...

And therefore the WHOLE SCHEME of things has been reshuffled.

Here's the leader board, revised for inaccuracies, as it stands now...

Psycho: 47

The Ring: 39

Alien: 38

Carrie: 38

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 37

Scream: 36

Friday the 13th: 31

The Thing: 26

It: 19

Also, another mistake. I said the next review would be on Dawn of the Dead but I found Aliens cheap in CEX so I got that and watched that instead.

Aliens is as good, if not better, than Alien. That pretty much sums it up. I really enjoyed it.

It scored 3 jumpy times, 8 for the monster (the queen alien comes and the little face eater things start running round more) 7 for filming, 9 for story, 10 for acting, 8 for sounds, giving aliens a score of 45, coming second after Psycho.

Next is PROBABLY Dawn of the Dead.

Blog 71: Thingamajig

I don't wanna waste more of my life reviewing the Thing, because I just wasted loads watching it.

Let's just say, I said I was expecting the worst, and I was LET DOWN. So goodness knows what's going on with this film.

Overall, made me jump sort of twice, so just once, 5/10 for the monster, 6/10 for the story, 5/10 for acting and 5/10 for music and sounds. But a total of 26 is misleading. Don't bother watching it.

Next up, I'm going to watch Old School with Will Ferrell. But the next review will be on Dawn of the Dead. Good ol' Zombie movies.

Blog 70: Psych-o Mike-o

This is the review of Psycho, but not the original Hitchcock version, but the 1998 remake with Vince Vaughn in. Not that anyone reads this and/or cares.

This film was amazing, and I definately recommend watching it. Basically, that's all I have to say.

There was the odd couple of flaws, such as when the Sheriff of police comments "If the woman up there was Mrs Bates, then who's out buried in the cemetary?"

IT'S YOUR JOB TO FIND OUT YOU MENTALIST.

Other than that, Viggo Mortensen's acting wasn't anything special, but then I guess it never is, and the hot-ish woman who's in the Lost World made up for it. Vince Vaughn did an amazing job playing Norman Bates, and I wouldn't have thought he'd be able to act as well as he did, because, let's face it, he's pretty naff in everything else.

Overall, it made me jump 3 times, has a 7/10 "monster", 8/10 for filming, 9/10 for the story, 10/10 for acting and 10/10 for the music, which not only means the classic theme tune, but also for the sound effects: the part when hotty discovers the dead mother in the basement has the sound of singing birds, which somehow is made scary. That leaves Psycho with a deserved score of 47, which makes it joint first with Carrie.

Next up, and the film I'll be watching whilst I chow down on some late supper, will be The Thing, a slightly less known horror film. I'm expecting the worst...

Blog 69: Ring Ring

The Ring is meant to be this OH SO SCARY FILM that terrifies even the boldest of men.

Well it wasn't.

I do like Naomi Watts though, she's oddly attractive...

That's literally all I have to say.

Overall it made me jump 3 times, the monster scored 5, filming scored 7, the story and acting both scored 9 and the music scored 6, giving the Ring a total score of 39. Which puts it at 3rd place.

Still preferred Alien though...

Next time, we're going MEGA classic with PSYCHO...

Blog 68: Jason's Mum Hasn't Got It Going On

This is a review of Friday the 13th, a film famous for it's hockey mask wearing character Jason, who isn't even in the film. So I dunno why he's famous because of it.

Instead, we got a middle aged woman who sometimes puts on a "child's" voice. For any budding directors out there, you can learn something from this film. If you want a middle aged woman character to sometimes pretend to be her dead son, get someone who can act! Because if they can't even play a middle aged woman, which they ARE, then how can they play a dead son?

My fave part was after hitting Jason's mum with a frying pan, the main character checks for blood, and then goes to sit by the lake, and of course, Jason's mum isn't dead yet. So they have a brief fight and then the main girl lops of Jason's mum's head. Why she didn't do that when Jason's mum was apparently unconscious defeats my lower life excuse for a brain. But that's what she does.

However, I will say this. When it all seemed over, the film managed to get one more scare out of me when a funny mangled boy attacks the girl in the kayak.

Overall, Friday 13th scored 1 for the monster (a granny in a blue cardigan doesn't scare me too much to be honest), 5 for filming, 5 for a story line, 5 for acting, 7 for the music, even though it sounded a lot like Jaws at times. The film however did manage to scare me 7 TIMES which is the most any film has made me jump. So the overall score was 31. Looks like Carrie is still in the lead...

Next up is a slightly more modern classic: THE RING.

Blog 67: Carrie on Telekenising

This review is on Carrie, based on a novel by Stephen King.

First things first, it was WAY better than IT. But then, what isn't?

However, it was very clever in that the "monster" who you would assume is Carrie, who has telekinetic powers, is actually the victim, and the "monsters" are the people around her. Her bullying school mates or her possessive and overly strict mother mean that Carrie eventually snaps and lets loose her powers which then burns down the school and leads to her killing her own mother. It is an interesting statement on perhaps how society itself is what creates monsters.

However, all of this cleverness is definately let down by too much period blood. And any amount of period blood is too much period blood. It's just weird. Especially when the girl is screaming.

Fave part of the film was when Carrie pulls her mother's arm (which is knifed into the wall) away and it makes a popping noise, like a cork.

Scores on the doors are made me jump twice, 4/10 for monster, 7 for filming, 9 for the story, 9 for the acting, and 7 for the music, giving Scream the boot to number 2 as Carrie takes first place with 47!

NEXT UP: Friday the 13th ...

Mwa ha ha haaaaaaaa.

Blog 66: Creamy Screamy

This is a review of the movie Scream.

Scream was far better than I expected it! I thought it would just be a slasher movie, and it was! But there was some story to it which was a pleasant surprise. The scariest part was easily when I realised Drew Barrymore was in it, but thankfully she was offed pretty early on.

However, there was one flaw with the storyline. It's explained why the killer killed the main character's mum and why he wants to kill her and her dad, (I won't give it away :P) but it never seems to explain why he picks on and kills Drew Barrymore at the beginning. Of course, anyone who can read between the lines will realise that the killer just doesn't like Drew Barrymore, which I think is fair enough.

I have no idea why the killer in the Scream mask can't be on screen for over a minute without running into a fridge or door or tripping or slipping though. He's actually a pretty rubbish killer, and it's beyond me why none of the victims can't just pick his knife up on any of the thousands of occasions he falls over and just kill the killer...

My favourite part was when the main character's boyfriend turns up at the door where the party is, and jumps into the doorway yelling AAAA! for no reason. He's not even trying to play a joke. But that moment was just a massive joke.

Scream's scores are made me jump twice, 7 for the monster, 6 for filming, 9 for story, 7 for acting and 5 for music, giving it 45 overall. A new leader on the leader board! Next up is Stephen King's Carrie. Let's hope it doesn't drag on like IT did.

Blog 65: Chainsaw Massacre

Texas Chainsaw Massacre was pretty good, but also pretty mental and funny.

The story was a little bit confusing at times. How Leatherface gets an afro at the end defies me, unless he's meant to have cut the wheelchair guys hair off and worn it, but when he does a dance at the end with the chainsaw and he's wearing that afro, it looks like Michael Jackson Junior but gone massively wrong. Dialogue in the film was pretty awful, but thankfully there was no dialogue in the second half of the movie, just a lot of screaming and chainsaw noises, which I guess doesn't make up for rubbish dialogue...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me jump twice, has 6/1o for Leatherface, 7/10 for the storyline, 6/10 for the acting (which is all thanks to the woman who survives, because the other actors sucked) 8/10 for music, giving it a score of 35.

Next time will be a review of SCREAM.

Blog 64: New Series

After the success of the Trevor Diaries, which nobody read, I thought I'd do a new series of horror movie reviews. After watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street recently I've had a craving to watch as many "classic" horror films as I can. And I thought I'd do some reviews, just to try my hand at reviewing.

At the each of the reviews I'm going to give the films a score based on 6 categories: the amount of times it made me jump, how scary the monster is, how good the story is, how good the filming is, how good the acting is and how good the music is.

For example, for the film Alien, it made me jump 5 times, 7/10 for the monster, 6/10 for filming, 7/10 for the story, 8/10 for the acting and 5/10 for the music, giving it a total of 38.

So what follows is the first of those reviews, a review of the film IT, based on the novel by Stephen King.

IT is the story of some children who have to fight and kill something, known as "It" which has been picking off neighborhood kids around their area. However, it is set when the children are grown up, and after another child dies in mysterious circumstances, one of the ex-kids rings the others and tells them to come meet him, and they all act quite shocked as they remember the events from before, which is given to us in small tasty doses as flashbacks. The confusing bit is that there's a random clown running around, which somehow becomes a massive spider with a glowing six pack. And how on earth you forget a clown running around killing everyone until someone rings you in the future is beyond me.

The story line was a little weak to be honest. I feel stupid for criticizing Stephen King's story, but just firing silver on the off chance that it'll work the same as on a werewolf is a MASSIVELY rubbish idea, and when it WORKS you begin to wonder about originality of the story. Also, they use a standard slingshot to fire the silver into the clown's head, which seems weird cos his head comes all open and light comes through, which is just not right.

Then again, if it didn't work, then there'd have been 7 dead kids about halfway through the movie.

OH WAIT, that would have been good, because maybe THEN it wouldn't have dragged on for another TWO HOURS whilst watching people eat at a restaurant.

I'm still wondering now how on earth the asthmatic kid gets battery acid in a little squirter both times they face the monster.

My fave bit was when the children are discussing the disappearances and the spookiness that seems to be going down. One boy suggests perhaps the clown is a crazy man who likes dressing as a clown and killing people. The leader child, (who annoys me immensely, because he's on never ending story as well) instantly shouts down that poor child (who had a pretty reasonable suggestion) with "NO IT'S DEFINATELY A MONSTER". Fair enough.

Stephen King's IT gets 0 for making me jump, 4 for the monster, 5 for filming, 3 for the story, 1 for the acting (it was terrible) 6 for the music which was quite creepy and that gives it a total of 19.

Next time is a review of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE :O watch this space.

Blog 63: Enemies List

Here is a list of my enemies and why I don't like them, as it stands at the moment. (They are not neccessarily in order)

1) Macaulay Culkin, because I am in love with the actress Mila Kunis and she is with him and it makes me very very jealous.

2) Dr Phil, because he wrote this about me, via a facebook quiz:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

3) The Queen, because I don't know what she's for.

4) David Cameron, because he annoys me loads.

5) Syrian Umayyads and Christian Kings because I had to revise about them and it's really dull.

6) Morrissey because I think he is massively overrated.

7) Anyone who only likes Twilight because of Robert Pattinson or the other guy, but won't admit it and claim that it's an actual good film.

8) People who think that Hugh Jackman makes a really good Wolverine, when he only makes an Ok Wolverine.

9) People who like Batman Begins more than Spiderman

10) Anyone who finds Anchorman anything other than hilarious.

11) Anyone who thinks Luke Wilson is funny.

As it stands, that is it. However, I will keep updating this in future posts if anything changes.

Blog 62: Thai Massage?

I've finally recovered from my exhaustive trip to Thailand enough to complain about it.

And no, I don't want a massage.

Arriving in Bangkok was relatively exciting, but then I get relatively excited arriving in WHSmith shops. We drove to the hotel, and the biggest plus of our stay in Bangkok was probably seeing our hotel room, because it was pretty nice, and there was a pool, a bar, two restaurants, and the staff looked after us really well. BUT that evening we got all dressed for the cool evening weather, went outside, realised it wasn't cool but really really warm, and then went to find a market we'd all heard about being fabutastic. When we arrived at this market, it was sort of fabutastic, in that both that word and the market don't exist after 8pm. So we went home again, but only after wandering the streets (which smell odd there) for an hour trying to find somewhere to eat. In the end we settled on the restaurant inside our hotel.

The next couple of days were spent darting into and out of an air conditioned mini bus at various temples, markets, Buddha statues, etc etc. They were all relatively ok, but the main thing everyone, or at least I, was thinking about was how stupidly hot it was and how on earth am I gonna be able to live in Thailand's heat for 2 weeks...

After three days in Bangkok we were pretty much fed up. So we went to Chang Mai, however it's spelt, and spent some days there, (this was my favourite place in Thailand) and then to Phuket, which was pretty good. Then we were all ready to go. We'd had enough of the horrific heat, and the people shouting "MASSAAAAGE?" or telling us that we were really good friends, do we want a suit/dvd/hat/necklace/to eat in their restaurant, or calling us babes and not remotely looking like anything but a prostitute. The amount of people I saw trying to sell taylor made suits shocked me, I wondered how many people could possible go on a beach holiday to Phuket and rather than going to the beach or on trips to Islands or to see monkeys or to do water sports, they just go to buy a tailor made suit. It seemed a bit stupid.

And so, fed up, we returned to Bangkok airport, slightly worried because of the volcanic ash, but we thought, it'll be more or less ok, we'll just fly to Europe and then train it back.

No.

We weren't going anywhere. And we didn't know it then, but we weren't going anywhere for about 10 days. And we had to just wait on standby for all of those 10 days as it turned out, at any moment prepared to leg it to the airport and come home.

So we had 10 more days to spend in Bangkok. I nearly cried.

We did everything worthwhile doing in the first 3 of those days. We thought we don't know when we're going back, but let's makes the most of it. So we did a crocodile farm and shopping at some massive centres or trendy markets. And they were all quite fun. But then we had the rest of the 7 days, although for all we knew it could've been 1, 2, 3, 4 5, 6, 7 or more days. We knew one of my friends in Miami had been told they won't be flying back until over a month later. And so we just had to wait. And re-visit markets and shopping centres.

Oh, and try and avoid the city centre, which was 10 minutes away and had grenades going off and people firing assault rifles.

Blog 61: F*CKING VOLCANO

F*CKIN VOLCANO

Blog 60: Return of the Trevor Diaries

I'm back for the Easter holidays and seeing as Trevor is around too, I thought I'd do another entry into the Trevor Diary.

Entry 15

Trevor is saying about how he's not going to do a test because he wants to see his girlfriend for a dance. I don't know who his girlfriend is. He says he payed lots of his pocket money on the dance so he doesn't want to miss it for an exam. We told him that it's important to take exams and pass them or otherwise you won't do very well. I think at the moment he is still planning to go though.

Trevor seems to have grown up a bit more recently, in some ways. But then he still manages to do silly things. It's almost as if he's changed while he's been away, but when he comes back, he becomes his old self again. The other day we went to Luton, and Trevor didn't buy a train ticket. When he got to the barriers at Luton, he didn't have a ticket to get through. He went all the way back to Harpenden, where there are no barriers, bought a ticket, and then came back to find us. He probably heard about a cool person at school who doesn't pay for train tickets and thought that it was the cool thing to do.

Blog 59: Blog Blog

This is a blog post about another blog (WHAAAAAA?!!!!)
SO it turns out we've been asked to keep a blog for university on how we're doing with our projects, what feedback we've been having, what feedback other people have been having, etcetera etcetera, and I'm just gonna complain about how useless it is. Yet, the updating of this blog has now become another mindlessly boring aspect of my mundane life amongst watching Back to the Future 1 2 and 3 over a weekend, or playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance until kingdom come, or just to shuffle things about reading 3 Sin City's in one afternoon. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, the blog one is the most uninteresting of them all.

After one particularly special critique session at university (which overran by an HOUR) we were told that keeping a blog is a good idea. In second/third year (i forget which) we are marked on a blog and getting into the habit of keeping one is a good thing to do. So we were all recommended to go home and make a blog. And being the good little boy that I am who always does as he is told, I scurried off home and made a little blog to write things in.
And then I wondered: what is this blog actually FOR?

NOBODY cares. Literally. Nobody in the whole world will care about my poster about Franklin Gothic. And sure enough it's been nearly 4 weeks and nobody's read it. NOW, the critics will say this is because the "welcome" note at the top of the page is negative, discouraging, etcetera, but I don't think it's anything like that, I think it's purely truthful:

"ANYWAYS, so there I am, all in Leeds, getting some research stuff done on my font and starting to play about with it and its sexy g and Q letters, and then I'm told that apparently we all have to go home and start a blog about our graphics. Hence this. Now, I'm not entirely sure who is actually meant to be reading this, but I was sort of told to, and I thought, wellllllllllll WHY NOT. So here is my blog on my graphics-y stuff. If you're not bothered, then maybe just don't read this blog, ever?"

Let's be honest, nobody at all really actually cares.

Anyway, I've kept it up so far, but not to the standard I'm expected to. They recommended at the end of another long sesh that overran by, yes, another HOUR, that we make feedback notes for OTHER PEOPLE'S POSTER?! So apparently, when James is told that he has to make the Y bigger on his poster and get rid of all that red on the left, I'm supposed to jot this down keenly in my notes and then go home and make my Y bigger and get rid of all the red on the left. OH WAIT. I DON'T HAVE A Y OR ANY RED ON THE LEFT!

AND, this is really just a digression based purely on anger, WHY ON EARTH DO WE OVERRUN BY AN HOUR?
Fair enough, 5/10 minutes. On a bad day it might extend to 15, if they're really pushing it. But NOTHING overruns by a whole HOUR. And especially not TWICE! If you make a mistake one time and it overruns by a whole hour then don't try and do the same approach to your critique sessions again, because it will just overrun by a whole hour, again. Maybe next time it overruns, you might like to try jotting down where you went home. Hey, why not keep a whole freaking blog on it?

BUT i guess i can shamelessly plug my blog anyway. If you really wanna know what makes my Uni tutors tick, then why not go to http://pasqualedesigns.blogspot.com/

and have a nice old look at everything on it. I'm sure it will make you want to weep/die in a bucket.

Blog 58: Baby Showers

My friends found a site recently where you can make babies with pictures of yourself and celebrities. I decided to go on just to prove once and for all that ed cullen is better than jacob. Here are the results. The first is mine and edward's, a gorgeous baby, reminiscent of an angel from heaven. The second is mine and jacob's. Lets just say I didn't like it as much. So I did an abortion, even though technically, it was a bit too late for one.




ANYHOO as I became more and more captivated with this gadget I decided to go on a quest to find which celebrity could provide me with the most attractive baby. This post is mainly pictures of all my gorgeous and fictitious children.

Me and Jacko:

Me and the chinese one off Charlie's Angels...

Me and Neo:

Follow the white rabbit Neo...

Me and Batman's Batbaby:

The First Baby:

Me and Angelina Jolie's Baby:

Interesting...

Blog 57: Psychological Mindset

I've been thinking about my lifestyle recently and I'm now a bit worried about my mental health.

As I write this I am sitting on an opened up sleeping bag with a duvet and two pillows, which is where I have slept for the past two nights. However, my laptop is perched on a perfectly good mattress which has been serving as my bedside table for that time.

Every now and then I scuttle outside of my bedroom, bearing in mind I haven't washed since yesterday morning, and I haven't been outside in the fresh air since 11 o clock yesterday, and I run into the kitchen to get some food and then run back and watch South Park or Star Wars or Ghostbusters.

It reminded me of the time over Christmas when my family went to Italy leaving me alone at home, and how then I brought everything I would need or want in that week into the living room and set up base camp on my sofa.

I'm worried because that's probably not normal behavior for a human being. It's the sort of thing that lower forms of life do, the sort of animals you find towards the lower end of the food chain. I'm a creature; I establish a nest, and then leave the nest every now and then to forage for scraps which I bring back to the nest and consume there, making sure all the while that I'm not spotted by predators.

I think I should get some help...

Blog 56: New Doom

This is a follow up from my blog post about Twilight, and it's a blog post about new moon.


New moon is similar to twilight, except really loads more rubbish. After having watched it last night I find myself in dire need of someone who can explain what events actually happen in the film, and why they were important enough to have a movie made out of them. As far as I can tell, the only things that happen is that Jacob takes his shirt off, and then we find out he's a wolf. Amongst all this, we find Bella going mental and throwing herself off cliffs or driving motorbikes into logs really fast, and we also see Edward "Sullen" looking moody, staring at the floor just to the left of the camera, in basically every shot that he's in. And considering he's the only sort of half decent actor in the film, he wasn't in very many shots.



We see many more orgasms from Bella, although many of them seem to be sad orgasms, which are just confusing, and also I realised that one of her eyebrows is wonky, almost as if she shaved it off and had to have it painted on. More and more evidence that Bella definately should not be allowed in films, let alone most of life.



More annoyingly is how Edward and Jacob can go around doing whatever they like. The amount of times Edward or Jacob just go into Bella's room even if she isn't there and just stand there is incredible. I wonder what Edward's doing in there when Bella stumbles in and finds him in the shadows standing in her room, just looking off to the left, morosely. Jacob runs around everywhere without a shirt like he's just stopped being the hulk, and YES he has a nice body but his face does look about 12, and that's just wierd. Not to mention, I have never ONCE used a t shirt to clean blood off someone, or even myself. I just find something called a tissue and use it to clean the blood, or maybe some water, but apparently Jacob isn't familiar with these concepts and...oh look he's got his shirt off again. However, it does make me chuckle when Bella finds him staggering around without a shirt and realises he's cut his hair and got a tattoo, and goes to talk to him. Does she not find it odd that 4 other blokes without shirts are waving at him from the woods going "oooh Jacob!" Most people's reaction to that wouldn't be "Oh he's probably a werewolf." Most people would think "Oh he's GAY."



My favourite part of the film is when the wierd guy at school tries to muscle in on Ed's girl and asks Bella to the movies. The film names sound like they've been made up by the actors on the spot. There has never been a film called anything like "Love spelled backwards is Love" and there never will be, because love spelled backwards is clearly evol. And that isn't even a real word. HOWEVER, at the cinema, I do rather wish they'd turn the camera around so I can watch all the action that's going down in the latest Face Punch movie. That sounds like a good movie. Maybe people will invest in Face Punch II: The Puncheoning instead of the next twilight movie.