Blog 107: Regression Therapy

Here's the final installment of my whacky days of myspace blogging. I think now that I've typed these up I will reveal my myspace to the world, so people can visit it. One day, when I've saved the world or done something equally high profile, the myspace will remain there as a sort of museum about my childhood. The link is http://www.myspace.com/pasqualester

Here's the final post from my myspace blog:

"It was a dark night at the house of Count Von Pasqualestein. Thunder rumbled in the night air. Nathan was playing a board game quietly, and was hummin Pink Floyd to himself. Lightning struck the ground outside, leaving the smell of sulphur, a ringing in Nathan's ears, and a blinding white light. When the light faded, Nathan screamed in terror...for there was the evil Michael and Andrew, and their new accomplice, Adam. Nathan remembered too well, that night in the lounge all those years ago...they wedgied him so hard he couldn't walk for a week! He screamed in terror again, and then Adam pounced, holding his arms on the floor. The other two grabbed the edge of Nathan's boxers and yanked him into the air, so he was dangling by a wedgie. He screamed a scream which whimpered into a silence. Blood seeped from under the door, and lighting struck. The 3 wedgie-ers ran away into the night.Then out scrambled Nathan. He crawled along, as he couldn't walk any longer. They had got him again, but he had survived once more. He knew they would be back...and he was right! So let that be a warning to you all, espescially if you are Nathan! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA."

I do remember this night, and it was hillarious. My version is perhaps a bit over dramatic but it's based on glorious true events. I do sort of feel sorry for Nathan but... naaaaaah, I don't.
I wonder if he'll read this? If he does, then Hi Nathan!

That brings me to the end of this series of blog posts, but I'm sure I'll be back soon with some more tasty rants or something for you to read instead of doing that really important work you have to do...

Laters x

Blog 106: Ye Olde Blogs

Another confusing one from my old blog:

"This is what i found in a report from my agent last week...
EVIL WORLD DESTRUCTION PLAN...
Your objective is simple: Destroy the Earth
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Revenge
Stage One:
To begin your plan, you must first Blackmail a Pope. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this Evil Genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks?
Stage Two:
Next, you will Seize control of that Opera House in Sydney. This will cause countless hordes of Mad Scientists to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with Sheer dementedness, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.
Stage Three:
Finally, you will Unleash your Horsemen of the Apocalypse, bringing about an Unending Cacophony of Screams. This will all be done from a Dark Side of the Moon, an excellent choice if I might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.
Trust me, it'll all come together in the end. Good Luck,
from,
your agent."

I don't know who my agent is, and again, I'm really scared by this one! I have no idea what is going on!

I remember I once had to act as a mad german scientist called Wilf for a whole week to entertain some kids, and I really do wonder if it began to have an effect on my actual life. It's almost like method acting, but reversed, where I play the character and then slowly become that character in actual real life :/
I used to be able to (more or less) do a german accent, but I can't any more...

Keep an eye out for the final blog from my myspace next time...

Blog 105: Insert "Clever" Pun

Another tasty treat from my old myspace blog...
I literally have no idea what this one is about, wether I wrote it on my own, or with someone, or if someone else did or what, I honestly don't remember, and quite frankly, it scares me...

"In order to understand "Operation Annoy All" you need to realize that everything is controlled by a Batfrod Massif made up of Geeks with help from Loser-kind.
The conspiracy first started during Battle of the Somme in Rothampstead Park. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including Margaret Thatcher's victory in the elections.
Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by poking and/or the chopping off of vital limbs, such as legs.
They want to murder Queen Elizabeth I and imprison resisters in Luton town using bicycles.
In order to prepare for this, we all must punch someone. Since the media is controlled by Tony Blair we should get our information from Ian Duncan Smith."

Genuinely scared by this one...

Blog 104: Mysp-age

Another little post from old myspace Mike:

"It was the night of the 22nd september, 2006. Nathan Edwards felt happy. It was finally the weekend. But little did he know the horror that was waiting for him.
He fought it good, he fought it well, but his resistance was futile. Nathan walked home a different way. He waddled home. The wedgie had been too much.
The monsters weren't gremlins, r bogeymen. It was me and Chandler. And I think you'll agree that we did the right thing..."

This one was followed by

"Yo dudes who are sad enough to read my blogs! How is it with you guys?

This blog is a random blog. It is meant to be profound. But what does blog really mean? Is is just a little 'diary' type thing on the internet? or is it more? Think about it."

It's not even funny the horrendous grasp of the "english" language which I had back then. It's just annoying. Also, whoever the second post was written by (ie, me) deserves a right smack.

More to come...

Blog 103: Prehisblogic

I just went on my myspace, which for some reason still exists, and found that I had a blog before this one, which I literally do not remember writing, at all! However, it holds some magical mystical gems of what I'd call literature, and so I'm beginning a small series of blogs which will publish (properly) my old blog posts. Some of them make no sense, at all, even to myself.

I have learnt one thing from these blogs: I am so glad that I've changed.

First up, a post about a trip to Belgium we did in year 10.

"Battlefields Trip was amazing. I had a great time with my mates, and then the trenches were really good fun. The cemetries were kinda sad, as you realise just how many people died in the Great War.

I was in a room with Tim, Simon, and Nathan, and we were known as room 12, or better yet, Tim, Simon, Nathan and Michael. We combined Simon's ipod with my speakers to enable us to have an air guitar fest, and when we weren't rockin', we were annoyin Nathan by makin him listen to Kelly Clarkson."

Right, several issues.

1 Air guitar fests are fun, but there were other people on this trip. I dunno why we didn't just hang out with them...

2 I missed out the best bit, when we asked a teacher for some more loo roll, he said "Put a cork in it". So I asked him for a cork.

3 Why did I write "The trenches were really good fun"? What sort of an idiot kid visits trenches from the first world war and comments on how they were "really good fun". I don't think I reacted to this trip properly.

So there you are, hope you enjoyed that... plenty more to come from old me...

Blog 102: Is This Sparta?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE!?!

I know, and I apologise.

But there's not much to rant about at the mo! I'm worried. I've run out of stuff to rant about and I'm only 20, so what on earth am I gonna do when I'm like, 80?

Anyways, thankfully, the drunk people of Leeds have come to a temporary rescue...

Last night I trundled off to the cinema to see Rango and had a wonderful evening, but unfortunately, just like any other evening, it had to end, and I had to walk home.

Since living in a city rather than my real home in like, a rubbish little town, I enjoy walking places now, ESPECIALLY at night, just because of all the funny people, who are made even funnier when drunk.

One girl was trundling along and all of a sudden her heel collapsed on her and she fell over. Being a true hero :D I, well, I didn't run, but I walked swiftly over to make sure she was ok and see if she needed any help.

"Are you alright?" I enquired.

"Yes thanks" she replied.

"Need any help getting up?"

"No"

"Oh...ok then..."

I didn't know what to do... so I just walked off. Then I felt bad, but its not like I had much option...

Anyway, the highlight of my walk home was the people walking in the opposite direction kitted out in the 300 Spartan's gear... sort of ...boxers and capes aren't completely accurate, and I don't remember King Leonidas sporting the Umbro brand on the front of his panties, but you got the gist of who they were meant to be.

There was about 20 of these spartans, wandering into town, and one of them I noticed, stepped off the path into a shady corner.

Uh oh, I thought, perhaps he's betraying them like that little hunchbacked guy in the film... Or maybe he's ambushing me, and they've mistook me for a persian... So I was wary...

Of course, it wasn't this. It was just that this particular Spartan needed a wee. So he went and weed on a church (not the best place to wee... the worst thing that can happen when you wee on most buildings is you get told off, but weeing on a church is never gonna be a good idea is it...) and I realised these guys weren't the hardened warriors from the film, but just a load of drunk students without six packs.

What they were, were 20 boys, dressed in nothing but boxers and a cape, just them, some boys. Going for a walk, basically naked. Not the coolest thing to do.

As the guy weed all over the church, I was waiting for him to turn it round and make it epic, to give me some hope that they haven't misunderstood the film entirely (anyone who's seen the film will understand that the message is to make EVERYTHING epic). But alas, he didn't shout "TONIGHT WE PISS IN HELL". Nah, that night he just narrowly avoided pissing himself.

Blog 101: Why, Oh Why?

Why have I just spent an hour of my life being told about symmetry and how many lines of symmetry a square has? Why have I just spent loads of money on something my 15 year old sister could have taught me, for free, three years ago?

My lecture today was, surprise surprise, a waste of time. For a good ten minutes early this afternoon, I was watching a bewildering and confused museum curator (who my friend Robyn says looks like the Weetos man) count how many lines there were on an octagonal window.

One, two, three, four, five, si...oh no wait a minute I missed one...one, two, three, four, FIVE, six, seven, eight, nine...

At one stage he said "I told this to two other people and they both completely got it. One was-"

Five.

"-and the other was - "

Seven.

No wait. One was the winner of the Nobel PHYSICS prize, and apparently he understood symmetry straight away. He must be a clever chap if he can understand symmetry. I mean, when I heard he'd won the Nobel Prize for Physics I had my doubts about his intellect and potential to do great things, but if he knows that a rectangle has 2 lines of symmetry then he must be incredible.

The other one was Henry Moore.

As in Henry Moore who's name is usually followed up by about 8 letters for various achievements? Henry Moore the famous sculptor and artist? Well, the lecturer didn't say, but looking at Henry Moore's work now on google, I can't say symmetry is something that seems to have a profound effect.

"It's not a new thing, symmetry. Think about all the designs in the world! Do you think cars are symmetrical for no reason? It's because we as humans are symmetrical (which we're not really) and so we like things to look symmetrical."

Tell you what, get a car, take one of the front wheels off and try driving up the M1. You will go round in circles for about thirty seconds and then you will die. That is what will happen. For this reason, cars are symmetrical.

"Look at this church, it's layout is symmetrical, because we like the look of it."

Probably isn't, actually. Most of the time one of the parts is longer than another. Moreover, ever noticed that churches are crossed shaped? Not because of symmetry, but because Jesus died on a cross. That is why Christians, who are named after Jesus Christ, have buildings which look like a Cross, on which Jesus Christ died.

He was right when he said a lot of insects and fish are symmetrical. Yes, they are. But it's not because they're trying to look hot or impress a girl, it's because they work better when they are shaped like that. And more to the point, who the hell even cares.

Why do things like this happen to me?